The Attraction Equation
by staceleo
Summary: What do you get when a free spirited artist meets a persnickety CPA? A series of misadventures to find love surrounded by numbers crunching and body painting. Short chapters of silly written for Nicole Marie Masen.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Curve Ball is almost complete, so while I map out the college adventures of CB's Bella's, let's meet a Bella of another type of crazy.**

**This story is dedicated to the amazing Nicole Marie Masen who gave me the idea to write this silly story.**

**Like CB, almost daily chapters and someday will be several updates. This is also unbeta'd, so don't expect miracles.**

Enjoy!

The Attraction Equation

Chapter 1

_I'm horrible at math._

_It really doesn't matter what type of arithmetic. My skills with algebra were abysmal; so much in fact, my eleventh grade teacher mocked me unmercifully. For an aging hippie with Grateful Dead dancing bears on his briefcase, that man was a big meanie._

_It didn't matter, because here in your arms as you recite equations, I'm in heaven._

_"Edward!" I kiss your neck. "What's the square root of pie?"_

_"It's 1.77245..." he murmured in my ear. _

_I gripped his wild, red hair and hitched my leg around his pleated, tan khaki clad waist. "Take me, Edward!"_

"Miss Swan? Are you alright?" His voice was like honey or chocolate sauce. Or his voice was a combination of the two. That would be yummy. I should mix some of that up at home.

'Miss Swan?" He asked again.

Huh? The coffee cup I was clutching shook and sloshed onto his beige carpet.

"Oh sorry! Do you have any napkins?" I looked into his annoyed green eyes. His eyes were so pretty. Then it occurred to me. "Wait! I have tissues!"

I pulled a wad of tissues out of my purse and started dabbing at the brown spots on his carpet. Crap! Some of them were used. Maybe he wouldn't notice?

"Are those used?" He looked appalled. He pushed his glasses up his nose.

Umm...

"Slightly crumpled," I fibbed.

His long fingers clutched his desk. Most people would think that those fingers would play some fantastic piano. Not me. I'm not most people. He uses those sexy digits to push calculator buttons like a maestro. It was hot.

I wonder how those fingers would push my buttons. I could just imagine them pushing in and...

"Miss Swan!"

"What?" I yelped and fell face forward into the edge of his desk. "Oww!"

"Are you okay?" He came over to help me get up. There it was right in front of my face. Let's just say those ironed pleats were sticking out quite prominently. Oh my. "Just leave it! I'll let the janitors know to power wash the carpets."

He pulled me up swiftly. His body was close to mine and his hands were on me. I wonder what he would look like if he smiled. It was unnatural not to smile at least once at a person.

"Miss Swan?"

Kiss me.

"Hmm..." Please kiss me.

"We need to discuss..."

Kissing?

"You're filing system using shoe boxes."

Oh. Well damn.

I pulled away and sat back down, slouching. Fantasies don't always come true.

"How do you run a business this way?" Mr. Cullen grabbed my Nike box full of receipts. I bought those shoes the week I decided to try running. I wonder where those damn things were hiding. I bought them in 2003.

"Creatively?" Was this a test? I was horrible at tests.

"Obviously," He said frowning. He looked like he was ready to reprimand me. I wonder if he likes giving spankings. I stifled a giggle, as he continued, "Miss Swan, do you like maple syrup."

He was asking me to breakfast!

"I do." I gave him my brightest smile.

He held up several of my receipts that were now stuck to his fingers. He drily stated, "I can tell."

Oops.

"Do you like it?" I asked. "Maple Syrup?"

We just needed to find common ground.

"No, Miss Swan." He desperately tried to remove the receipts. "Too sticky."

Damn.

Maybe, he would like to see my helpful side? I tried to help him get the receipts off his fingers. His handsome face was giving me a dirty look and he was trying to move away from me.

What happened next really was his fault. He tried to escape my assistance, which caused my hand to hit his coffee cup and it spilled onto his lap. He jumped up out of his seat with my receipts stuck to his hands and a giant coffee stain that made it look like he peed himself.

He looked like he wanted to scream.

It was adorable.

"Miss Swan..."

"Would you like me to go to the bathroom and get you some wet paper towels?"

"I want you to leave." He pointed to his door.

It made me a sad Bella.

"Can you recommend another CPA?" I asked, with a frown. Maybe one that's one hundred and looks like a troll. Obviously, pretty men make me do stupid things.

He gave a big sigh and pushed his glasses back up. "I will stay your accountant, Miss Swan. I'll call you soon to set up the next appointment."

I grinned and gave myself a mental fist pump. There was still hope!


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: More for you all!**

Chapter 2 (EPOV)

Miss Swan had large, blue Bambie eyes, whose dark brown hair made those eyes seem even bigger. When asked her to leave she looked like I had shot her mother in the forest. It was... distressing.

My office looked like a toddler had temper tantrum and wrecked my sanctuary of order, because I took it's pacifier or crayons. I had no clue about tiny children, because they left this type of mess and I wanted no part of that.

My filing cabinet has a special drawer containing cleaning supplies. Mrs. Cope, the receptionist, has a drawer filled candy bars and Twinkies. It explained why her teeth were covered in plaque. The woman's teeth were nauseating. Unfortunately, I just couldn't look away.

I also couldn't look away from the spring frock Miss Swan was wearing earlier. It reminded me of the dresses women wore in the fifties with skirts that could swirl and necklines that accentuated long, feminine necks. It was pleasing, except for all the paint stains on it. She had to be the messiest woman on the planet.

I pulled out my rubber gloves and carpet cleaner. The room smelled like a Starbucks.

"My man...Jesus H. Christ! What happened in here, Cullen?" Alec Volturi was in shock and nothing, absolutely nothing, shocked Alec. "Why does it smell like you murdered a coffee pot."

I sighed and removed the bottle of cleaner from the front of my pants. "Just do it, Alec. Cackle like you want to."

Alec started laughing so hard that he got winded. "Damn boy, you peed yourself!"

"Ha. Ha. It was a simple coffee stain. Go away." I got to my knees and started to dab at the floor. It made me reminisce about Miss Swan on the floor. On her knees. Those gigantic blue eyes starring up at me. I stared at the stain.

"Ed, who's the girl?" Alec plopped into my seat and quickly stood up. He squeaked, "Your seat's wet! These pants are designer!"

I went back to the cleaning cabinet and tossed him a stain stick. "You might want to treat the back of your pants before the coffee stains."

"What about you?" He asked, as he pointed to the stain on my own pants.

I shrugged. "I have extra pants in the coat closet."

It always pays to be prepared. That's why I'll be wearing a pair of clean and sharply pressed chinos and Alec will be walking around the office with a wet spot on the back of his pants.

"Of course, you do." He rolled his eyes. "Let's get back to the girl. I saw her at reception and giving Old Cope a cookie as she left. Pretty thing. Did she get you all flustered? Those pert boobies and cute little ass get Ed all hot and bothered?"

"Miss Swan is a client! She should be respected as such!" He should never speak about her that way. Only I should. In my head. Never to be revealed to the outside world. I added, "She was the one who made my office all wet and sticky."

"Oh..." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "She's a gusher?"

I should have know better about Alec being thoughtful. He wasn't wired that way.

"What is wrong with you? Your parents didn't even try to raise you right, did they?" I was annoyed. The Volturi's were a great family to work for, but they had no verbal filters. Amazingly, there was one person worse than Alec. His father, Aro. It was amazing they had any clients after they dealt with those two.

He ignored my comment. "You did say sticky!"

"It's coffee and maple syrup!"

"Kinky." He smirked. "Does she have a boyfriend?"

"I have no clue." He better not be thinking what I think he's thinking.

"Hmm...does she like Italian?"

I looked up from straightening up my desk. "Once again, no clue."

"Does she want some Italian in her?" He pointed to his penis.

I was friends with an idiot.

"She's a client!" I exclaimed. There was no way he was going to ask her out.

"Not my client," he disagreed. I had to protect her innocent, blue eyes.

I sighed, maybe she should fend for yourself. "Alec, get to work. I have a client coming in soon."

"Fine, but when she comes in next time, introduce us."

Never.

Once he left, I placed a call. It was the answering machine. "Miss Swan, I was hoping to meet with you at your gallery on Wednesday, I have a great filing system to show you."

That's right. Miss Swan wouldn't be returning to this office. Take that, Volturi!


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Enjoy!**

Chapter 3

"Will you get your feet out of my stirrups, Swan?" Alice complained.

I put my head back down on the table. "It's surprisingly comfortable, if you think about it. The crinkly paper is quite annoying. I think it gave my cheek a paper cut!"

"If you don't sit up in two seconds, Bella, I'm giving you a Pap smear." She raised her eyebrows in warning.

"You're no fun, Dr. Alice!" I sat up. "I was hoping to get a nap. Why aren't we in your office ordering lunch."

Alice held up tabloid magazine. "Because, dear friend, we're avoiding Whitlock. Dr. Grumbly will demand I work on charts during my lunch hour. We should have snuck out to that hot dog cart on 5th. I have no clue how they get them to be so yummy."

"I gather they keep their intense flavor by sitting in lukewarm water in a cart all day," I explained. They were yummy.

"I need to marry a football player." Alice put her feet up on the table next to her and pointed to a picture of Tom Brady in Maui. "I can tend to his sports wounds and he can buy me shoes. A win for all. Talking about future husbands..."

"I don't want to talk about it!" I groaned and threw myself back on the table. Edward Cullen probably hated me. His pretty hair, prettier eyes and every inch of his pretty body thought I was a moron. "He's so pretty and I made him sticky and stained!"

"What?" Alice dropped her magazine. "Actually, if you were involved it probably isn't as kinky as it seems."

That was a very true fact.

She continued, "Shouldn't you call him handsome?"

"Alice, he dresses so nice and his eyes are so soulful. Edward's fingers are long and graceful. Pretty seems like an accurate description."

"Sounds like he's gay," Alice stated bluntly.

She might be right. I threw an arm over my face. "It all makes sense! He kept pulling away from me and making pained faces like he had gas pains! He kept pinching his nose!"

"He might just have had gas. Keep the faith. You should the faces my patients making during childbirth when they have gas. Bella, they look possessed!" Alice started to chuckle at the thought.

"Nope, he's gay," I said sadly. "I will never wear a yellow sundress with daisies in my hair as we get married in a meadow."

"Ello, ladies! Bloody perfect day for an examine, don't you say?" Emmett strolled in and waved a pair of latex gloves at me. "Fancy an exam, me loverly?"

Alice rolled her eyes. "Why are you bothering us, McCarty?"

I added, sitting up, "Why are you doing a bad impression of Burt the chimney sweep from _Mary Poppins_?"

"I'm hiding from Whitlock. He wants to discuss getting new patients and making the practice more visible. He's leaning on putting out faces on park benches. I'm afraid his glum puss will scare patients away." Emmett sat next to me and threw an arm around my shoulder. "I was trying a British accent. The ladies dig it."

"No one will dig that," Alice pointed out.

Emmett frowned and shrugged. "What's the girl talk?"

"Bella is in love with a gay man," Alice remarked as if this happened to me everyday.

"Aww pumpkin, you should date me!" He patted my leg and rubbed upwards.

Alice threw gauze at his head. "She knows all about your relationship track record and bedroom prowess from me. Trust me, she'll pass."

Those two were a horrible couple the month they dated. Truly terrible. Fought like cats and dogs, but fornicated like bunnies in heat in public places. I was still trying to forget the image of the two of them in my kitchen.

"You miss me, Dr. Brandon." He grinned with his big dimples. "If you weren't after Dr. Whitlock, you'd be sweating me."

"Oh my god! You are so annoying and wrong in all levels!" She yelled. I wish I had popcorn. They were fun to watch. "I can't stand Whit..."

The door opened and there he was, the bane or desire of Alice's existence.

I waved jauntily. "Hey there, Jasper! Alice and I are heading downstairs to get hot dogs for lunch? Want one?"

Alice hissed, "Bella!"

"Hey, Bella. Why are you here?" He was handsome, but so grumpy.

"Picking up Alice for lunch."

He looked at me in confusion. "Isn't it out of your way?"

"My gallery in the space downstairs, Jasper. I took the elevator." He was oblivious to anything that wasn't work related.

"Oh...yeah...right..." He looked at Alice. "She can't leave. Dr. Brandon has charts."

"Oh my god! You aren't my boss, Whitlock!" She got in his face. "We're partners."

"Well partner...you have charts to do!"

Alice gripped his lab coat. "What are you going to do? Lock me in my office?"

"Yes and sit close to you and make sure you get things done!" He yelled back.

Emmett grabbed my arm. "They are so going to do it!"

"Maybe."

Probably.

Somehow Alice pulled herself away from Jasper's mouth. "Let's go, Bella. I want to stick a nice big dog in my mouth."

She flipped her hair and grabbed my hand. Jasper face was fixated on hers.

He liked her!

My phone rung. "It's Edward!"

We both squealed.

"Take it in the elevator!" She pulled me out of the examination room.

I heard Jasper mutter, "Women."

"Maybe he's bi?" I said to Alice hopefully.

It doesn't hurt to keep one's fingers crossed. That's a fact!


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hi ya!**

Chapter 4

"You made me miss his call!" I hit Alice with my purse, as we walked down the busy city street. "Just do it with Dr. Grumpy and get it over with!"

"That's a horrible idea, Bella!" She tried to trip me, but I was quick like a bunny. She grabbed my bag and stroked it. "I really like that hobo purse!"

I smiled brightly. "Thank you! It holds ever so much! You're still a big meanie who made me miss my call."

"Forget about it! He's gay and you, sweet friend, are out of luck!"

I smacked her with my purse again.

"Miss Swan, so violent today!" Alice laughed. She suddenly became serious. "Bella, he'll call the gallery. Don't worry."

"Jane's working today."

Alice linked her arm with mine and patted my arm. "That's some shitty luck."

Indeed it was.

Jane was the worst employee in the history of the world I imagine. It was a Tuesday, when she marched into the gallery with her black hacked off hair with blond roots, multiple piercings all strung together with chains and tattoos of carnivorous dinosaurs. I was somewhat frightened and also couldn't look away from her tattoos when she told me all the paintings sucked. It was Wednesday, when she demanded a job. It was Thursday, when she attacked a criminal who was trying to rob the gallery. It was Friday, when I hired her.

She was great at scaring off robbers, but horrible at basic customer service. I was never going to get Edward's message. Actually, one telephone discussion with Jane and I would never see Edward again. I wonder if it would be appropriate to openly weep in the street.

"I think you might be worried over nothing, Bell. He might not call the galley before you get back. Just make sure you answer all the calls that come in." They reached Phil's Hot Diggity Dogs food cart. "Wait...why aren't you calling him back?"

"I don't want to seem too eager." I smiled at Phil. He was a jovial old man who wore a jaunty newsboy cap. He reminded me of my grandpa. "The usual, Phil, my good man!"

"My two favorite customers!" Phil exclaimed, waving his tongs in the air. Juice from the tongs hit an angry customer. Phil ignored the cursing. "An everything dog for Miss Bella. Three everything dogs with extra relish for Miss Alice."

"Load it up, Phil!" Alice smiled at him. "Add extra onions! I need my breath to be disgusting when I blow in Whitlock's face."

I muttered, "Attack his face with your lips."

"What?" Alice gave me her best bitch face.

"Umm...that's not very nice for your patients and their delicate conditions." I pointed out to cover up my previous comment.

Alice gave a dramatic sigh. "Fine. Nix the onions, Phil. Pregnant women vomiting in my office would make today a bummer."

I took my hot dog and smiled. "How kind of you, Alice. Always putting patients first."

She stuck her tongue out, as I was about to take a bite of my hot dog. That was when fate decided to play it's fickle hand. Dog in my mouth, a body crashed into mine. The long tubular meat was stuck in my throat, as I went down on the pavement.

It wasn't my life that flashed before my eyes as I gagged, it was the fallout of my demise. I was going to be in the _New York Times_ as the girl who died by hot dog. I was going to be a joke on _Letterman_. People would be making crude jokes at barber shops at my expense. My mother would be a laughing stock at her book club. My father would be constantly complaining that he had warned me to cut...

I looked up into gorgeous green eyes. That was going to be the last thing I would ever think about. My unrequited love for an accounting god who might be gay. An accounting god who pulled me upright, pressed me to his back and started pushing on my abdomen. The hot dog flew out of my mouth and hit the customer, who moments earlier had been complaining about being splashed by hot dog juice, in the face. His cursing got more creative.

I really didn't care, because I was in Edward's arms. He had a wonderful grip on me and if he said anything about IRA's or mutual funds for tax purposes, it would be guaranteed that I would faint from the magic of over Edward stimulation.

He turned me around and cupped my face. "Are you okay?"

I was in heaven. Until Alice pulled him off me and stomped on his foot.

"What's wrong with you, dude? She could have died!" Alice fumed. "Why? Because Mr. Preppy Prepster was too busy playing on his phone. Checking out how Tiger Woods is doing in the Master's? I'll tell you...who cares about golf! You almost killed my best friend! Murder weapon being hot dog and stupid guy messing around on a smart phone!"

Alice was on a roll.

"Ali!" I hissed.

"Now Mr. Sigma Epsilon Douche, you're trying to seduce my friend here so she won't sue you! It's not going to work! My cousin is a lawyer who wins every case. Todd will take you to the cleaners and Bella will finally get her coveted pot belly pig as a pet!"

"You want a pot belly pig, Miss Swan?" Edward asked.

That's all he got out of Alice's crazy rant, that I wanted a pig as a pet.

"Alice, I said that when I was ten! Can you please forget I ever said that!"

I still wanted a pig, but Edward didn't seem the type to see the benefits of farm animals as pets.

Taking a bite of her hot dog, because she must have worked up an appetite, Alice looked at Edward with narrowed eyes. "How do you know her last name? Are you a stalker?"

"It's Edward Cullen, C.P.A!" I announced.

Alice looked at me and looked at him. "Oh."

I made her speechless.

For approximately one second.

"Those pleated pants don't scream gay, but the artful tousled hair makes me think rainbow pride." Alice tapped her chin. "Color me intrigued by this enigma."

I was going to kill her and Edward looked like he was going to faint.

"Alice, don't you need to do a sonogram?" I asked. I was praying for her to leave.

Sometimes prayers are answered.

Alice's phone beeped and she glanced down. "Kids, I need to birth some babies. Twins, in fact. Nice to meet you, Ed. Bella, call me!"

She whistled, a cab pulled up and she jumped in. I was never so happy to see Alice leave before this moment.

"Sorry about her," I gave him a small smile. "That's Alice. We've been best friends since kindergarden. She talked me into eating paste. She's...well...insane."

"Is she really delivering babies?" He looked worried.

"She is. Alice is in charge of bring new life into the world." I shrugged. "She's a fantastic doctor, but she walks to beat of her own drummer."

"I can see why you two are friends." I was going to take that as a compliment even if it wasn't.

He gave me that tight lipped smile of his, then grimaced as looked at my dress.

"What?" I looked down to see a large mustard stain. "Oh well. Do you have a suggestion on how to get it out? I guess I could just dye the fabric, but that would take a lot of extra work. How did you get the coffee stain out of your pants? They look brand new!"

"You talk a lot," he stated. Not good. "I like it."

My insides were doing a happy touch down dance.

He continued. "I keep several changes of clothes in my office for emergencies."

Hmm...is that gay or just persnickety? It's a toss up.

"I'm one step from becoming Pig Pen from _Charlie Brown_. I do a pretty amazing Snoopy dance, I must say!" He looked at me like I had fifty heads. I should probably get back on track. "I paint during work when the staff deals with the customers. It's pretty pointless to change every two seconds when I'll be covered in something in no time flat."

"I see...listen that really is a nice dress and I have an amazing stain remover at my apartment. It's about a block away and we can get that mustard out," he offered.

I was in heaven or hell depending on his romantic preferences.

"Are you going to kill me and eat me for dinner with a nice Chianti? I've seen _Silence of the Lambs_ about thirty times."

That was also a serious possibility. He was so clean and orderly. It was best to be careful.

"I only eat people who don't get maple syrup on their receipts." He gave that adorable tiny grin.

"Really?"

"I'm joking." I didn't know he knew how to make jokes. took my hand. "Would you be so kind to accompany me to my home and let me make you a sandwich? Or I could get you another hot dog?"

"Choking on one big weenier a day, is more than enough for me! A sandwich would be fantastic!"

Edward's eyes bugged out of his head and he squeezed me hand really hard. "Let's go then."

I couldn't help but notice how his hand didn't let go of mine as we went down the sidewalk.

This might be the start of the best thing ever.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Enjoy, lovelies!**

Chapter 5

Edward Cullen, CPA's apartment was a minimalist's playground. It was a landscape of steel, gray and neutrals with the random pop of blue.

It was terrifying for a mess magnet like myself. I was going to sully the joint.

"Make yourself comfortable," he said, pointing to the light beige couch.

There was no way in Hades that I was sitting on that. I probably had city grit on my ass that would streak the expensive fabric. Edward would panic and grab his fancy fabric cleaner then kick me out on my keister, quicker than one can say, "Sufferin' succotash!"

"Did you say something?" He looked at me in confusion. "Are you quoting Sylvester the cat?"

Crap, I'm inadvertently talking aloud again. It's a tiny problem I have.

I couldn't help grinning. Was he a cartoon fan, too? "Do you love Warner Brothers cartoons? Bugs Bunny is a genius crea..."

"No. I wasn't allowed to watch cartoons during my formative years," he explained with a sad smile. Poor baby. "The receptionist wore a tee-shirt with that saying and the cat was on it. She was promptly sent home for the day."

"It sounds like she has a fun loving personality." I didn't see what the big deal was.

Edward frowned. "There's a proper time and place for everything. Let me grab the stain remover and we can get started on lunch. Please sit."

I perched in the edge of the couch. The coffee table had artfully laid out accounting and interior design magazines. This wasn't an apartment, but a advertisement for perfect living. It was sterile and uninspired. I now had a clear mission. I will be bringing fun and spontaneity into Edward Cullen's world.

I was pondering a plan of action, when he came back into the room with a plastic bottle and a washcloth. There was no label indicating what it was. "Is that it?"

"It is. I created it myself. It seems nothing works that well on it's own." He knelt down by my feet.

I wanted to kiss him.

He squirted my chest with the solution and started patting my breasts with the wash cloth. It was cold and tickled, making me giggle. I don't think Edward was thinking about what he was doing, because at my laugh his eyes got wide and fixated on his hand resting on my breast. My breath hitched, his eyes got bigger.

Kiss me, Accounting Guy!

He stumbled upwards and fell over the coffee table. He landed on his back. I jumped up and tried to help him up, but he waved me away. "That was so inappropriate! I apologize. That dress needs to soak. Umm..."

He was gay and scared of my boobies. Damn it!

"I should just go," I said and headed towards his door.

Stupid, stupid Bella.

Edward grabbed my arm. "Don't go, I...I...would hate for that stain to set. Let me grab you one of my shirts and we can soak your dress in my bathroom. I can drop it off at your gallery tomorrow and go over your filing system. Okay?"

He was so close. I whispered, "Sure."

"Come with me!" He took my hand and pulled me to a bedroom. His bed was comfy looking, but still had his frustrating neutral color palette. It was the promise land.

He sat me down on the edge of his bed. I wanted him on top of me.

He pulled open a closet and I saw the most incredible sight. Every single thing was organized by object and color. I wanted to mess it up.

Edward pulled out a light green Oxford shirt and handed it to me. "This is your color."

He blushed. I swooned and hoped he just thought I looked sexy in green. It would be more my luck that he was just an expert at matching people and their complimentary colors. "I'll let you change. Just put your dress in the sink in my bathroom."

After he left, I quickly got dressed in his shirt. It smelled like Tide, not hot accountant musk. That was a damn shame.

The shirt hung off me like a tent. Suddenly, I had a moment of inspiration. I jogged over to his closet and found a drawer full of rolled ties. They were also arranged by color and pattern. Of course. I grabbed a paisley one that I knew good and well he never wore. It was too busy. I guessed it was a gift from his mother.

I made it into a belt.

I mixed up his shirts. I couldn't help myself.

"Miss Swan? Are you alright?" Edward called.

Shit.

"Coming!"

I wish.

I dropped my dress in his sink and let my eyes take in his large bathtub. It was built for two. Probably perfect for his future boyfriend, Tim or Jim.

I shuffled into his kitchen where he was pulling out sandwich fixings. I said quietly, "Hey."

He spun around and clutched the counter. "My god, Miss Swan, you are a vision in my shirt."

He licked his lips and stomped over to me. He fingered the tie at my waist.

I gulped. "Is it okay that I used one of your ties, Mr. Cullen?"

He leaned in. His mouth by my ear, Edward whispered, "I've never seen one of my ties look better than that one does now."

He pulled away and added, "Ham or turkey?"

What?


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Hi!**

Chapter 6 (EPOV)

The woman has driven me insane.

She was a client with no filter. Those huge eyes made my brain stop working, but they made my penis working on overdrive. This was upsetting.

It was also why I was now wearing the apron my mother gave me for Christmas. Truthfully, would have been wearing it anyway. I hated to get food on my clothing. It now had a higher purpose. To hide my raging erection.

It was Miss Swan's doing. Everything that led me to this moment was destined as soon as I was thrust into her messy life. My brain and penis have been at war since she choked on that hot dog. That's why I touched her and flirted with her so inappropriately.

Oh god... I was sexually harassing her!

Wait... Miss Swan thought I was gay. That's good, right?

Actually, I have a whole stash of porn and Victoria's Secret catalogs hidden in my bottom dresser drawer that could show her how wrong she is about me. It wasn't that I was in a habit of buying women's underwear, but buy one panty for an ex-girlfriend and you will be getting the catalogue for the rest of your life. Not that I was complaining, it was Victoria's Secret after all.

Miss Swan would look lovely in Victoria Secret. She looked lovely using my shirt and tie as a dress. Now that she was wearing that shirt, I just wanted her out of it. Preferably naked. Naked on my bed with her come hither eyes.

"I really like pickles on my sandwiches," she stated, grabbing the package of ham from my hands. "It gives it a kick!"

I hated pickles on my sandwiches. Though the thought of Miss Swan eating a dill pickle was intriguing, but not the way she was piling the meat and cheese onto the bread.

"You're doing it all wrong!" I exclaimed. One bite and she would have mayo, ham and cheese spilling down the front of her! It would get on my perfectly clean floors! She'll have to get naked! I'll have to kiss her and show her just what type of man she's dealing with!

My brain was hay wiring. My dick happily standing to attention and ready for action.

I grabbed her hand. I liked her hands. I had no control when she was around. I brought her hand up to kiss it.

Client. She's a client!

I dropped it and her hand hit the counter.

"Ouch!" She exclaimed and gripped her hand. "Dude, you didn't have to get so upset about a sandwich!"

Oh no!

"It wasn't the sandwich! Not really. Except you use far too much mayonnaise on the bread. It will just plop out on your chest, Miss Swan!" I was now staring at her chest.

"You know what your problem is, Edward Cullen? I'll tell give you a clue! You don't know to have fun!" She poked me in the stomach. "Also, the name is Bella. Use it."

"I have fun!" I did. Sometimes I would play pool with my co-workers. I liked watching racing. "You don't know me, Miss Swan!"

I grabbed her sandwich and started wrapping it in plastic wrap.

"I know exactly your type, Edward." She hoisted herself onto my counter and started eating a piece of lettuce. "You live in a bubble. Your bubble needs to be popped, Mister."

I grabbed a paper bag from my pantry and put her sandwich in it. "Water? An apple?"

"Yes."

I threw those in. "I'll call you a cab."

"You're tossing me out on my keister?" She looked at me with narrow eyes.

"I am. I should also suggest you find a new CPA." I was too drawn in, but annoyed by this girl. It would not end well.

Without thinking, I grabbed her by the waist and brought her back down to the floor.

She held my hands to her hips. A strange look came across her face. "I'm mostly certain you're straight."

She kissed me quickly on the lips. This woman was going to kill me.

"First lesson of having fun is not looking like your going to faint when a girl kisses you." She patted my cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow, Edward. I need you to show me the organized way to stuff my files and, if you're nice, I might let you stuff something else."

I was in shock. "Miss Swan..."

She removed her hands and grabbed the paper bag. "Tomorrow morning at ten, Edward. No need for a cab. It's a lickety split walk and I have a spring in my step."

"I..."

She added a peck to my cheek. "Thanks for lunch!"

I grabbed my sandwich, as I watched her walk out. I was in shock.

She kissed me and I loved it.

Miss Swan wasn't even my type. She was all big eyes and dark hair who dressed like a vintage store advertisement. I dated woman who wore classic suits and liked to discuss the stock market. This felt so unreal. I liked that crazy woman!

I took a bite of my sandwich. Mustard fell onto my shirt collar. Not the apron, the collar. Fuck my life, this was also Miss Swan's fault. She distracted me.

I stomped into my bedroom and threw open the closet. It was all a mixed up mess.

Isabella Swan was a pretty devil. I was certain of it now.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Hi ya!**

Chapter 7

"You can just go home today, Dad. Watch some Sports Center...have a beer..."

My father was sitting on a stool near the front of the gallery drinking coffee and eating donuts. He did this every, single day.

"Kid..." He started to say and then he paused. My father was the king of long pauses. "It's only nine."

He had a good point.

"Right. How about you meet Billy and the guys at the McDonald's. Have some breakfast sandwiches and discuss the good old days. Father, we really don't need you to man the fort today." I gave him a smile, so he wouldn't know I was up to something.

I thought the key would be to mention McDonald's and Billy. The Golden Arches was their hangout of choice. It seemed to be the destination of choice for men and women over the age of sixty in the city. At least at breakfast time before the young whippersnappers descend for their milkshakes.

"Hmm... Who's gonna protect..." My father frowned. He had powdered sugar on his mustache. It was both mesmerizing and embarrassing. He let out a long sigh. "Well... protect you girls from crooks."

I dabbed his mouth with a napkin. I couldn't stand looking at that powder anymore. It looked like he had a drug problem. "Daddy, we have Jane! We'll be fine! It's going to very, very quiet today."

"Janie is a wee, little thing," Dad stated, as he took another bite of his donut. The white caked all over his mouth.

Jane sneered. Her piercings glittered under the track lighting. "Watch your mouth, Burt Reynolds!"

He really did look like Burt Reynolds. A Burt Reynolds with a coke addiction thanks to the powdered sugar.

I love my dad. I really, really do. Except that I really don't want his first meeting with Edward to be covered in powdered sugar and waving around a water gun.

Charles Swan was an excellent cop before he retired. Respected by his peers and the community. He was, unfortunately, a horrible rent-a-cop. He had a habit of watching old Clint Eastwood movies on a portable DVD player and drinking cans of Red Bull. It made him jittery and unobservant. It made his night job protecting the Crazy Larry's Magic Tricks warehouse a particularly bad idea.

The intruder he thought was sneaking in the warehouse was a mouse. He proceeded to shoot up a box of whoopie cushions. He was fired and lost his license to carry a gun.

I hired him, because after the great robber mouse debacle, poor Dad was depressed. He works mornings and I gave him a water gun. I should win daughter of the year.

"What is this really about?" His one eyebrow raised, as if he was interrogating a suspect.

"The Senior Citizens discount at that creepy clown's hamburger joint." I raised my eyebrow at him. "My only concern is you, Billy and coffee for a dollar."

I was going to hell for lying to my dearest father. The things I do for that sexy CPA.

"Your odd kid has a girl hard on for the dorky accountant she's using." Jane started stabbing a notebook with a pen and ignored my glare. "He's coming in today and small Swan is going to flip her hair and do pathetic flirting."

"Who told you?" I had been hoping to sneak him in without her noticing.

"Alice. Your bud has a big ass mouth," Jane replied with a snort.

That was correct.

I blurted out, "You both should have been drowned at birth."

"Oh my, small Swan is getting feisty!" Jane cackled and tried to pick her nose with the end of the pen, but it got tangled up in her nose chain.

It was gross, but watching Jane wrestle with the pen was hilarious.

"Now, girls..." Dad paused. I wonder if it would be rude if I checked my messages, while he figured out what he was going to say. "No fighting."

That needed a two minute pause?

That's when the door opened and in came Edward Cullen, CPA followed by a blonde Amazonian.

My mouth dropped at seeing my accountant having a deep conversation with most men's dream woman. I turned and was appalled to see my father salivating. It's a sad day when you realize your father is like most men.

Jane took look one and lost it. She was laughing so hard she was pressed up against the counter and shaking.

"Baby, that's the boy you have your eye on?" He paused and cocked his taking a good long look at Edward's companion. "Good luck with that."

I was going to kill that old man.

"Miss Swan," Edward came up to me. He looked so handsome in his dark suit and stripy tie. I wanted to ride him up against my easel. "This is my associate, Miss Rosalie Hale."

Miss Rosalie Hale was a red suit wearing type whose breakfast consisted is toast with a small pat of butter and coffee as black as tar. I was a crazy print dress wearing girl who loved strawberry danishes and sugar filled coffee which was usually all over my clothes when I got to work.

I looked down at the stains. Shit.

"Miss Swan, I will be taking over your account." The woman said with a tight lipped smile.

"No!" I blurted out.

"But, Mr. Cullen..."

"Is a wimp." I grabbed him by the collar. His face was so close to mine and so very kissable, but I was a girl on a mission. "You and I, Edward Cullen will be looking at my file cabinet. Jane, take Miss Hale upstairs to meet the practice of Brandon, McCarty and Whitlock. They need a new accountant, so I think they will be pleased to meet Miss Hale."

Jane snorted. "Alice is going to murder you in your sleep."

"This will teach Dr. Brandon to keep her big mouth shut." I gave a small smile and Jane snorted again. "Dad, when Jane gets back, go see Billy. Edward and I will be in my office and can't be disturbed."

Miss Hale stammered, "But...but...I..."

I ignored her and pulled Edward into my office. I slammed the door shut behind us.

I poked him in the chest. "You are so infuriating, Edward! If you're into men or Amazonian goddesses, then fine! Just tell me! You don't have to quit doing business with me! You're one of the best CP..."

"Who said I was into men or Amazonians?" He growled and grabbed me. He kissed me passionately on the mouth. Edward pulled his mouth away. "I'm so sorry!"

"Wow!" He tasted like mint. It was yummy. "You're the most confusing man in the world! Hot and cold. Yes and No. Fast and... Oh fuck it!"

I kissed him and wrapped my legs around his waist. He held me tight.

If I was going down, at least I was going to enjoy doing it.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: hi! **

**So...I won a contest for a story I wrote. It's called Things in Nature. If you like to check it out, it's on my profile. :0)**

**Also, the Curve Ball sequel, Grand Slam will start today. **

Chapter 8

Edward pulled away. Again. "Miss Swan, we need to talk!"

Oh come on!

"Edward, since you were just eating my face two seconds ago, call me Bella." He was driving me nuts in more ways than one.

"We really need to discuss what's happening between us," he pleaded.

I grabbed his face. "Let's discuss your lips on mine and how I like that hand of yours on my boob."

He looked down at where his hand was resting on my breast. He tried to pull it away. "I'm sorry!"

I held that warm hand in it's spot and barked, "Keep it there!"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

I was happily surprised by this development. He tentatively squeezed and I rewarded him by saying, "Good boy!"

He put his other hand on my face. "Miss Sw...Bella, I brought Rosalie here for a reason."

"To reach things off a tall shelf?" I inquired. That woman was like a telephone poll. She should play basketball for the WNBA. "Can she help me dust the lights on the ceiling?"

He squeezed my breast. He can be sassy! "Bella, let's get back on track. I need Rosalie to take your account, so we can socialize."

I narrowed my eyes. "Date."

"Get to know each other."

"Tomato, Tamato." I clutched his tie. "It seems we're making out like teenagers in my office. Does this count as socialization?"

I pulled him closer by his tie, as he suggested, "We should probably put things like this on hold until Rose officially takes the account."

"She's hired!" I kissed him.

In a move that was thrilling and surprising, Edward took an arm and cleared the jumbled mess on my desk. It had never been so clean. That was until he lifted me up and laid me on top.

"Miss Swan, I respectfully accept your dismissal of my services." He began to ravage my mouth with his.

We were making out like rabid teenagers at make-out point. Hands fumbling and saliva dripping, it was a hot mess of a kissing session. I loved it.

My hand were trying to unbuckle his belt, but that clasp was extremely difficult. It was pinching my fingers.

As I was desperately trying to reach the Edward Cullen promise land and had images of him spouting out multiplication equations in ecstasy. It would be a fantasy of mine fulfilled. Unfortunately, the door flew open.

"Isabella Marie Swan! Do you know what you did?" Alice stormed in and at first didn't register our tangled limbs on my desk. "You sent a Victoria's Secret model into a obstetrician's office! Are you insane? Emmett and Whitlock have devolved into wolves growling and nipping at each other for the fresh woman meat you hand delivered to our doorstep! I don't really care about that those numbskulls, but I have overly sensitive pregnant women crying about their changing bodies and how their husbands are going to leave them for that Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model!"

Edward muttered, "Damn, that woman didn't even take a breath."

"Alice, is your real problem Miss Hale or is it that Whitlock is making moves on her?" I asked, as I somewhat discreetly squeezed Edward's right buttocks.

He squealed.

I giggled.

"No! Whitlock is a jer..." Alice noticed. "Oh my god, this is your office! You two are little heathens!"

"I seem to recall you and Emmett in a examination room. Wasn't he in stirrups?" I asked, as Edward pulled away.

"I'm trying to forget that! You are an evil, big eyed woman!" Alice cried.

It was funny.

"Dr. Brandon, Miss Swan and I were discussing her art work. We tripped and fell on her desk," Edward fibbed. It was cute the way he was defending my honor. He took a closer look at one of my paintings on an easel. "Bella, this is an amazing abstract. Why aren't you displaying them in the gallery?"

He liked them! I gave a happy clap.

"I do like that one, Bells!" Alice complimented. Then she looked at me and grabbed my chin. Looking closely, she observed. "You are developing some nice hickeys, Swan."

I clasped my hand on my neck. "No!"

"I'm a doctor. I know these things." Alice smirked. "You better invest in some light weight sweaters. It is summer after all."

Edward's eyes widened. "I'm so so..."

I put my hand on his mouth. "No saying sorry. A little make up will cover it up."

"I would suggest a bandage and pretend you were attacked by a vampire," Alice stated. "Nothing is going to cover up that mess that Count Edward made with all the sucky."

Edward rubbed his neck. "I should go. I'll find Rosalie and get her set up with your accounts."

"My file cabinets!" I didn't want him to leave.

He looked at his feet. "I'll come back soon."

I needed to make an actual date with him. Something outside his comfort zone. It would be good for Edward.

"Bowling!" I shouted. "Tomorrow we bowl!"

"Really?" He asked, looking confused. "Isn't that for children?"

"Have you ever went bowling?" I had a feeling...

He frowned. "No. Mother thought it was a dirty place."

His parents needed a fun intervention as well.

"Edward, we are going to go bowling and drink beer. Eat burgers and fries! It will be great!" I was getting jittery with excitement. "If you're a good little boy, I'll even let you go to the arcade."

"How about meeting around dinner time?" Alice suggested.

Oh no.

"You're not going." I glared at her.

She didn't care in the least. "I'm not missing this debacle."

Note to self. Invite Whitlock and watch as Alice squirms.

"Bella..." Edward started to say. He looked nervous.

"I'll pick you up at your apartment after five." I wouldn't let him back out. "Wear jeans and a smile."

I kissed him. He kissed me back.

"Get a room with a damn bed!" Alice complained.

Edward pulled away. "Khakis?"

"Jeans."

"Okay," he said, with a sweet sigh.

We kissed.

Alice groaned.

The door opened and I heard my dad mutter, "That girl is just like her mother."


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Hi!**

Chapter 9 (EPOV)

Bella was beaming at me as I took in the orange and brown paint on the walls and the blue carpeting. I felt that I was stuck in one of those seventies pornos that Alec talked me into watching. Of course, those didn't have the echoing sounds of balls hitting pins.

Alec would be making a dirty joke about that right now.

"What do you think?" She asked excitedly taking my arm. I did like her hands on me.

I didn't like the smell.

"What's the smell?" I looked around trying to decipher the offending odor.

Bella looked around and sniffed into the air. "French fries and beer?"

That was the sticky substance I stepped in.

"No," I said, taking another sniff of the horrible stench. "It smells like feet."

She cocked her head to the side and smiled. "It is a bowling alley."

"Oh."

This place is germ infested horror show.

The pretty, but over enthusiastic Bella clapped her hands. "That reminds me! We need shoes!"

She dragged me towards a large counter.

"What about getting a lane?" I was getting confused.

She pointed to Alice bickering with a curly haired man. They were wearing matching bowling shirts. It was odd.

"They got it!" Bella exclaimed and pointed to a row of shoes. "What's your size, handsome?"

Those shoes were revolting. My OCD was having a panic attack. They were stained, covered in viruses and pieces of the sole were missing.

"I can't wear those things! Those shoes are filthy!" I complained.

Bella rolled her eyes. "They spray them."

"With what? Shoes shouldn't be science experiments gone wrong!" I was losing my mind.

"They're sprayed with pixie dust and good intentions. You'll be fine." She smirked, then took in my horrified expression. "They spray them with disinfectant."

This did not make me feel better in the least.

We gave the giant man wearing thick framed glasses our shoe sizes. I was mesmerized and appalled by the giant stain on his Star Trek tee-shirt. I had no idea what made that color stain, but even with my curiosity piqued, I was too frightened to ask.

I took out tissues to carry my shoes.

Bella took one look at what I was about to do and sighed. "I'll carry them."

It was embarrassing having her carry my shoes, but it was better than the thought of touching them.

That's why I carried our balls after sanitizing them with sanitizing gel. Bella was giving me nervous looks. I think I was scaring her off.

I kissed her quickly. She smiled.

I found her weakness.

We walked over to a livid Alice. "Whitlock? Really, Bella? Really? He's a beast!"

"I'm standing right next to you, Brandon," the man stated. He held out his hand to me. "Dr. Jasper Whitlock."

"Edward Cullen." Dr. Whitlock had a strong handshake. I respected that.

"I thought you weren't coming, Jasper," Bella said with a twinkle in her eye. "How wonderful! Alice is overjoyed."

Alice pursed her lips and muttered, "I hate you, Swan."

"I wasn't going to come, but Garrett's here with his practice." He pointed to a group of people wearing matching shirts that read, Women's Eternal Light OBGYN. "Those bastards brought the mid-wife. Chelsea is their ringer. How's your game, Cullen?"

That's when I noticed Jasper's shirt read, Brandon, Whitlock and McCarty OBGYN.

"I've never bowled before," I admitted.

"God damn!" The man threw his arms in the air. "What the hell, Bella! Can't you date a pro bowler?"

Bella snickered and he threw a bowling shirt at her head. Jasper handed me a shirt and said, "Put this on and pretend to know how to bowl. Alice, we're a team."

"Kill me now," Alice replied. She stuck out her tongue and Jasper pushed it back in.

He kept his finger on her lips. Was this their foreplay? I wanted to touch Bella's lips. "Head in the game, Brandon."

She bit him and he smirked. "You better be ready to bring it, Whitlock."

I sat next to Bella and was surprised when she knelt down and put the bowling shoes onto my feet. She said sweetly, "This way you won't have to touch them."

Bella Swan was amazing.

She stood and helped me put on my bowling shirt. "Would you like to practice?"

I just grinned, as she led me to the balls. She had my balls whenever and wherever she wanted them.

I grabbed my ball and tried to get a grip on it. Why was it so slippery?

I smiled at Bella and said, "I have a good feeling about this."

Bella did her happy clap and walked with me to the front of the lane. "Remember to follow through!"

She patted my butt. I was doing an internal happy clap.

I walked up slowly, trying to keep a hold on the ball. I realized the sanitizing gel hadn't dried in the holes.

Play it cool. Play it cool.

I moved my arm back and...

A loud voice boomed, "Hey gang! Ready to get bowling? Jas, get Rosie a shirt!"

Rosalie?

"What the hell, Emmett?" Alice complained.

I turned at the same time I threw the ball. It bounced down three other lanes and went down one that was being used by the other doctors.

The pins went down. Every single pin.

"Thanks for the strike, buddy! Great teammate you got there, Dr. Whitlock." The dark haired doctor laughed and pointed at a scowling Jasper. He looked at my girl. "Hi Bella."

She gave a tiny wave. "What up, Garrett?"

He winked at her.

I was going to take that guy out! Show him who's boss!

I should probably figure out how to play this stupid game first.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Enjoy!**

Chapter 10

Garrett. My first date with Edward had to be sullied with the holistic gynecologist. He was probably trying to read out auras. He probably hoped they were black and incompatible.

Go out on three annoying dates with a guy and he thinks you're soul mates. Garrett was not my soul mate. It was crystal clear in so many ways.

Our first date was to an artsy, fartsy movie house on the east side of the city. The movie was foreign and had no subtitles. I don't speak what I gathered was Greek or Pig Latin. I wasn't sure which. All I knew was that it was snowing and bleak. There was a goat that would just pop up in bathrooms. That art house had no buttered popcorn and I had to eat tofu puffs and drink herbal tea. The tea tasted like soil. I'm not a worm, so I was not impressed.

Somehow, I got guilted into date two. I would say it was, because I was a good person. Truthfully, that vegan is hot. Not Edward beautiful, but Garrett is an attractive man. He took me to a restaurant that served raw vegetables and more tofu. I felt like a starving rabbit. I also realized that Garrett loved one thing more than anything else in God's great earth. Himself.

It was two hours of Garrett waxing poetic about his prowess in all things. I was plunging a knife into a zucchini. I prayed for someone to rescue me and feed me bread. Sometimes when in the trenches, you pray for the little things.

Date three was due to me being a positive chump. It was a sweaty yoga studio. I fell on my face numerous times. The instructor mocked me. I thought it couldn't get any worse, until Garrett kissed me on the front stoop of my apartment building. He was like a slobbering bulldog. A slobbering bulldog in heat, because he pawed my breast like a dog looking for his boner. It seemed that yoga made Garrett horny. I kneed him in the groin.

Somehow, he still didn't take the hint that I wasn't interested.

That's why I was ignoring the winks Garrett threw my way.

"I thought he was dating that anesthesiologist?" I asked Alice, as we sat at a table eating fries and watching Edward get another gutter ball.

Alice winced, as she watched Edward drop the ball on his foot. My poor boy! "Katie? That ended horribly. She got pissed that he was always criticizing her job. That douche wanted her to use herbs and hot rocks instead. Tantric sex can only take a relationship so far."

"Truth," I nodded my head in agreement. I had no clue actually how tantric sex worked. "Is that why he's staring at me."

"You're his Moby Dick. Captain Ahab wants to ride that whale." Alice took a sip of soda.

I rolled my eyes. "Nice way to make a literary reference into porn, Al."

"And you thought I just went to college to be a doctor," Alice stated and she looked over to the lanes. She started cackling. "Oh my god! Why do I find that hot?"

Jasper was trying to help Edward learn how to bowl. That was how desperate he was to win. He had both hands on Edward's hips and was trying to guide him. It was hilarious.

That's when Emmett started to pay attention to his surroundings. He was so infatuated with Miss Hale, that he was sitting and staring into her face. She looked uncomfortable.

"Rosie! I thought your buddy was dating Bella? Is he gay?" Emmett yelled.

Garrett looked gleeful.

Jasper dropped his hands in a panic.

Edward looked embarrassed.

I stood up and remembered to wipe my hands on a napkin. My future boyfriend, husband and baby maker would not like me to sully his nice button down with grease.

I walked up to him and pushed a shocked Jasper out of the way.

I grabbed his face. "Do you want to win, Edward Cullen?"

"Yes." He was staring into my eyes. I don't think he was talking about bowling. "I want to win."

"Inspiration." I kissed him hard in front of the whole bowling league.

I kissed him a lot. With tongue.

I could hear the elderly ladies in the senior bowling league complaining about wanton youth.

I didn't care.

I heard Garrett mutter obscenities.

I didn't care.

"That's how a real man gets taken care of, Jasper!" I heard Alice tease.

I didn't care.

I heard Jasper say, "I'll show you a real man!"

He might have kissed her.

I didn't care.

Emmett was being nonsensical and Miss Hale was quiet as a mouse.

I didn't care.

I pulled away and tapped Edward's nose. "You ready."

Breathlessly, he nodded.

I angled his body towards his goal and walked with him. My body rested against his. I moved his arm back and whispered, "Remember in all things, to follow through."

I nibbled his ear.

My man threw a strike.

I let go of him and spun around on my heels, throwing my hands in the air. "That's how we go bowling, kids!"

Edward grabbed me and kissed me in front of the whole bowling alley this time.

It was brilliant.

Bowling was brilliant.

Happy day, oh happy day!


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Hello there!**

Chapter 11

We walked up to my front stoop holding hands. Fingers linked. That's the important detail to take note of. When fingers are linked the boy really likes you. If he just grasps your hand loosely and hangs on to it half-heartedly with no finger commitment, well... He wants into your pants and nothing else. This should be an official single girls' guide rule.

I should write that book. I'd be a millionaire.

"Would you like to come in?" I asked at the door.

The options were endless. I could make coffee. We could watch a comedic movie that starred the crooked nose Wilson brother. I could watch Edward shower the bowling alley off of himself. We could lounge naked on my comfy bed and he could do dirty, dirty things to me while he recited the new tax codes for the upcoming fiscal year.

"I'm really tired. I should be getting home." He gave me a tight smile.

No!

More one step forward and a million and two steps back.

I frowned. "I have coffee. It's Folger's, but still pretty tasty when doctored up.,

"No. I need to be going." He turned to walk away and my mouth almost hit the brick stairs.

Before I could stammer out a reply, Edward turned on his heel and kissed me. It was one of those kisses that make you weak on your knees. Actually, it did. Edward had to hold me up.

"What was that?" I gasped.

"I really do want to come up to your apartment, but if I do then we'll have sex," he explained.

And the problem is...

Edward continued, "We can't do that. If I have sex with you, I won't contact you again. Cut all ties. I don't do repeated sexual trysts. One night of passion and then it's done. I really like you and would miss you if that happens."

Huh?

"Let me get this straight... You do one night stands and want me to be your platonic buddy who you make out with? All the while you frolic with your one night sex conquests who are probably Victoria Secret models?" I was pissed at him and also pissed that I was now picturing Edward Cullen CPA surrounded by naked models. He was wearing his sexy suit.

"How do I know Victoria Secret models?" He looked at me with the same amount of confusion that I felt whenever he opened his mouth.

"I'm just guessing about the models, due to your classically handsome looks," I stated, ignoring his smile. I stuck my keys in the door. "First of all, I don't share. Second, you have an insane case of OCD! How could you possibly have one night stands? Do you wear a full body condom? Third, I don't want to be your friend or your conquest. I thought you wanted more. You know who wants more? Dr. Garrett..."

Edward spun me around. He held me tightly by the waist. "You're mine!"

"I'm so confused right now!" This guy made me dizzy. It was scary how much I liked it.

"I'm not explaining this correctly." He groaned. "I like you! I want a relationship with you and not a one night stand! My goal is to date you and work our way to a sexual relationship. I don't want meaningless sex anymore. I want to make love when the time is right."

Oh my, cue the swooning. Until...

"After three months..." He started to say.

"Three months of what?" I clutched his shirt.

"Dating until we become intimate." He grinned at me.

Oh damn it.

"Is this negotiable?" I inquired.

"Maybe," he said. He kissed my nose. "I'll pick you tomorrow at lunch time for a picnic. Girls like that, right?"

"Yes." I just stared at him.

He let me go and gave me a peck on the lips. "Great! See you tomorrow!"

I watched as he jogged away.

Back in my apartment, I threw myself onto my couch with a beer. Turning on a _Golden Girls_ marathon, I reflected on all that was Edward Cullen.

He was one confusing crazy pants.

He was also an attractive piece of man.

I was smitten with that sanitizing obsessed nut.

My phone beeped.

**_11:30 P.M._**

**_Message from SexyCPA_**

**_This was the best date I ever had. Do you like hummus?_**

I grinned. He messaged me!

I had created that name for him just in case he ever sent me a text message. Wishful thinking, I guess.

It was fitting really. I liked making special names for people when I received texts. Alice was ObsessedwithGreys. She was way too invested in Grey's Anatomy. Must be a doctor thing.

Emmett was DrAllThumbs. His huge fingers all looked like thick thumbs.

Jasper was DrOscarGrouch. Self explanatory.

Dad was titled KeystoneKop.

Jane was ElDiablo.

Garrett was SJWWHSC. Sweet Jesus, why won't he stop calling?

Another beep.

**_11:35 P.M._**

**_Message from SexyCPA_**

**_Hummus?_**

Shit! I lost track again.

**_11:37 P.M._**

**_BSwan_**

**_Love it!_**

Would it have been weird if I wrote 'you' instead?

It was way too soon for those kind of thoughts. This was real life and not a romantic comedy starring Ashley Judd. Of course, now I really wanted to watch a romantic comedy starring Ashley Judd.

**_11:40 P.M._**

**_Message from SexyCPA_**

**_You looked beautiful tonight._**

Damn it... I was falling in love that CPA.

Now if I only could get into his khakis.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Sometimes you just need an Edward POV. :0)**

Chapter 12 (EPOV)

"You told her what?" Alec asked in amazement. He was trying to hold back his laughter as he tried to swipe the carrots I was trying to artfully cut into flowers.

I slapped his hand away. "These are for Bella."

"You are such a prissy bitch, Edward." Alec was sitting at my kitchen island, reading my _GQ_. He liked to visit Saturday mornings and harass me about my lack of sex and his abundance of it. In detail. Last night was a Swedish masseuse named Greta. "How about this look for my hair?"

It was way too long. He wasn't part of the British Invasion of the sixties.

"It would look horrible with your facial structure," I pointed out. "I wasn't completely lying."

"The last time you attempted to be a promiscuous fuck was in college," Alec stated. "God, that was horrible. Every time you had one two minute release, you'd whine and obsess over the idea that you had a deadly disease. I feel sorry for the poor doctors at the health services. Having you crying about sexually transmitted diseases when you know, good and well, that you were wrapped up tighter than a Hickory Farms sausage."

He was right. I was a horrible fibber that fibbed to the girl I thought the world of.

Also, she wasn't far off with her full body condom comment.

Also, I might have been describing Alec and not myself when I told the fabricated story of my love them and leave them past. Now that guy got Victoria Secret models.

I sighed and made a rosette out of a radish. "I really like this girl, Alec."

"So you don't want to introduce her to your man meat, because..." I saw the realization of my dilemma dawn on him. "It's because you're scared of introducing her to your banana and cherries!"

He had a way with words.

"Yes. My issues with cleanliness and aversion to fluids is a dilemma," I admitted. "I have a tendency to have panic attacks."

Alec snickered. "I wonder if she's a gusher. Looks like the type. Bet she tastes like strawberries and pussy."

I held my paring knife out in front of me. "Say one more thing like that and I will gut you!"

"My man, you are whipped like cream that you need to be using on that girl of yours." Alec started helping me pack my basket. "You are doing quite well swapping spit with this chick. You actually like her, so I have a feeling you'll like fucking like bunnies with her."

I saw him manhandling a baguette. "Did you wash your hands?"

"Damn it, Edward! Get a fucking grip! You need to get laid, so you can chill!" Alec complained.

He probably had a point. Maybe I needed to rethink a three month waiting period.

Roasted red peppers! I smiled when I saw the jar.

I wonder if I could feed them to Bella?

They would probably make stains. Damn it.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Hello there!**

Chapter 13

I have a confession.

It's not really secret and, as my grandma used say, it's as plain as the freckles on my nose. I like to fix things. People mostly. Those who appear to be lost causes. Sitting on this plaid picnic blanket that Edward laid on the top of plastic so it wouldn't get dirty, I see I have my work cut out for me.

Right now, he's trying to wipe of a drop of hummus that fell onto the blanket with a wet napkin. It's somewhat cute, but insanely obsessive.

One might wonder, what do I see in this guy? It isn't pity that drives me. It's the simple fact that I see so many attractive attributes in this man sitting next to me. He has a sweetness to him that sneaks out at the most random moments. When Edward finally relaxes and allows himself to have fun and embrace joy there is a light that radiates from those pretty eyes that makes my whole body sing.

Also, Edward Cullen is a mighty fine piece of man.

I stilled his hand. "The blanket will wash."

"It might stain, Bella!" He pointed out with pursed lips.

Those lips were ripe for kissing.

So I did.

After an approximately five minute lip lock, I pulled back. "Who cares of it stains?"

Breathlessly, he pointed out, "It will be ruined!"

"Nope. It will have character!" I popped a cherry tomato in my mouth and a bit squirted onto the blanket. I had to physically hold him back from cleaning it. "You see this little spot from the tomato? Breathe, Edward. It is a memory. A memory of this beautiful summer day. Of the two of us being together. These wonderful creations you created out of vegetables. This day is positively amazing and instead of frowning at the stains, use them to remember something happy."

He looked at me like I was crazy, but his face seemed more relaxed. I could work with this.

I continued and held up a radish, "I can't make these, Edward. They are exquisite."

"You're an artist!" He started tracing lines on the hand I had resting on the blanket.

"I am, but I have the attention span of a gnat when doing certain things. Carving is not a safe hobby for me. Even drawing with sharp pencils can be problematic. I usually stick to painting, it's safer. I would be tempted to have you teach me how to make those pretty veggies."

He gripped my hand. His eyes bore into mine. "I need to keep you safe!"

"What's the fun of living in a bubble?" I laid my head down on the blanket and pulled him on top of me. The clouds looked like bunnies and marshmallows. Edward's head landed on my boobs. He tried to get up, but I had an iron grip on him. I ran my fingers through his hair and grinned as he relaxed into my body. I think we were squishing strawberries under us.

"It keeps things orderly," he said with a sigh.

Says the guy who has one night stands. I just had to ask. "Edward, I know you don't have a million of sexcapades anymore, but..."

"I lied."

What? Was it billions of one night stands with Victoria's Secret models?

"I haven't had sex for two years. I was dating a fellow accountant at the time." Before I could say it, he added, "Not Rose. We're just coworkers. My weekends consist of watching nature documentaries and sometimes playing pool with the Volturi cousins. I'm the most boring man you ever met."

I gripped his hair hard and pulled happily. "Oh thank God! You're not a man whore!"

"Ouch!"

No fornicating models! Praise Jesus, Buddha and that talking red monster on Sesame Street!

"This is the best thing ever! You aren't boring! A little straight laced, but it's perfectly fine!" I pulled him up to face me. "Why did you lie?"

"I'm nervous, okay! The idea of embarrassing myself when being intimate with you is too much to handle." He grabbed my shoulders. "I tried to sanitize the grass."

Truth. He used a sanitizing spray. It was pretty funny.

"Have you tried to talk to somebody about this?" I asked. His nose was so close. I wanted to nibble it.

"My parents have had me in therapy, since I was six. They thought I was too flighty." He looked sad. Must not bite his nose. Stay on track. No nibbling. His parents are assholes. I'm the flighty one. "Dr. Molina says I need to keep strict order and stay on a schedule."

"Fuck that!" I yelled. Several small children on a playground nearby started giggling and pointing. Their nannies looked pissed. The ones that were paying attention. Most were playing around on smart phones. "Just call me Dr. Isabella Swan! I majored in fun therapy and I wear nothing under my lab coat."

"Wow!" He looked at me with wide eyes. "That's really sexy."

"It is! Stick with me, handsome! I'll have you seeing stars!" I pulled back down on me. "Kiss me under the clouds!"

He gripped my waist. "There are people everywhere!"

"So? There were people crammed into the bowling alley that watched us making out like horny teenagers. Garrett watched us making out like horny teenagers! I think he was going to push you out of the way and kiss me instead." I watched his eyes grow dark. i knew I was pushing my luck, but I loved watching Edward go unhinged and animalistic. I turned my head slightly. "Is that Garrett over there?"

Edward kissed me. Passionately. For a guy who hated mess, his saliva was all over my face. I didn't care in the least.

His hands gripped my ass and he pushed his erection into me.

It was huge!

I hope he didn't stuff a sock down there. I had an ex-boyfriend named Jake who did that. He was tiny. It was about the size of a garden slug. It was about as hard as one too.

But I digress, because Edward Cullen was going to magnificent. If only if my fun therapy could remove the log that had been rammed up his butt by his parents.

Right now, he was ramming something else into me and biting my neck.

I loved ever second of it.

"This is public property! Stop right this instant!" Oh shit. Edward and I looked up to see a police officer peering down at us. "Wait...are you Officer Swan's daughter?"

"Guilty as charged, sir!" I gave him a jaunty salute. I knew this strapping, young cop. "Riley Biers? Is that you, dude? Give me a break! You and Lauren were like fornicating sea monkeys in the hallways."

I went to high school with that idiot.

Edward helped me up. His back was covered in strawberries. I stifled a laugh.

Edward said politely, "We got carried away, sir. It won't happen again."

I whispered in his ear, "It certainly will!"

I pinched his ass and made him jump. Fun!

"Jesus, Bella! I have to give you a ticket!" Riley complained.

"You're still a pain in the ass, Biers!" I groaned.

Riley gave me the evil eye. "I'll take you in for being a jerk, Bella."

"So scared, Biers! See I'm shaking in my boo..."

Edward clasped his hand over my mouth. "We'll take that ticket and get out of your hair, sir."

I licked Edward's hand. He made a face. I think it wanted to be a grin.

Edward took our ticket for disturbing the peace. I gave Riley the finger.

"Will you behave?" Edward grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together.

"Do you really want me to?"

He smiled. "No."

There's hope for him yet.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: Hi!**

Chapter 14

Edward Cullen had never played baseball.

That was going to change today.

Supposedly, he's watched plenty of it or pretended to watch it with some Alec guy. It seems that what really happened was Edward would secretly watch the stocks go up and down on his phone.

He did love watching racing of all types. Indy, F1 and NASCAR to name a few. He's never gone over the speed limit himself, because of those parents of his. The old fuddy duddies, as I now call them. They picked that sensible, but entirely boring Volvo he now drives.

I have put race track visits on the Edward Cullen Fun Therapy list of activities. This is an actual list that I wrote out in a sparkly purple pen. Why sparkly? Because, sparkly shows the importance of a situation. This, however, does not apply to vampire teen movies. That was an exercise in poor judgement. Sparkly vampires are not scary. They are like disco balls. The movie made me want to revisit the seventies and do the hustle.

I learned all of these important facts for my list during our marathon phone sessions and late night texting. I hadn't seen him for a week, because he was busy with finishing end of month statements for clients. I missed his face and the way he crinkles his nose when he laughs. It's enchanting.

We only had one potentially disastrous budding relationship ending conversation. It went a little something like this.

_"Miss Swan..."_

_Uh oh. That was a bad start to a conversation._

_"It is I, Sir Edward."_

_No laughs. Not even a snicker. Not good._

_"My back..."_

_I interrupted, "Has rippling muscles that make me swoon."_

_Compliments can get you anything._

_Usually._

_Not with a man with raging OCD._

_"We aren't taking about my muscles, Miss Swan. I'm referring to the red stains on the back of my shirt."_

_Damn strawberries!_

_"I have no idea what you're talking about." Of course, I did. I was still giggling about it._

_"I can't get the stains out from when you seduced me on a blanket and almost got us arrested." He was bordering on hysterical._

_"Breathe, Edward." I wanted to laugh, but knew at this point he might end things due to his irrational fear of stains. "Think of those memories!"_

_"I can never wear that shirt again!" He cried._

_I had an idea!_

_"Edward...bring me the shirt on Saturday. The baseball fields at the community park. Wear athletic pants and sneakers," I cooed like a siren. At least I thought I did. I was trying to emulate those old movie starlets that brought Clark Gable to his knees. I probably sounded like a high pitched Betty Boop instead. "I want to wear it to bed. Naked underneath. It will smell like your fabric cleaner and the strawberries stains will remind me of our blanket frolicking."_

_"Oh god..." He might have moaned. "Is this phone sex?"_

_"Edward, baby, when it's phone sex, you'll know it."_

_There was an odd noise. I think Edward came in his khakis._

_Hee hee!_

_"Oh god," he murmured. Edward was a broken record._

_"Anyhoo, I got to run! See you at the baseball fields at nine!" I hung up and giggled._

_That was too much fun!_

It was now nine on Saturday. Edward jogged up to me wearing the most pristine workout clothes and unblemished sneakers I had ever seen. He was carrying a paper bag.

It must be my new sleep shirt! Brilliant!

Before I could say hello, Edward grabbed me. His lips touched mine quickly and heatedly. He pulled away, with his arms surrounding me. "I've missed you. I apologize about the shirt. I was being stupid."

"You're forgiven. I see you brought it for me." I ran my fingers through his hair. "If you play your cards right, you can see me in it.'

Mr. Happy pushed into my leg. I see a part of his anatomy was thrilled by the idea.

"Get a room!" Alice complained from the bleachers.

Jasper frowned. "Worry about winning, Dr. Brandon. Ignore the canoodle kids over there and think about demolishing the other team!"

"Canoodle, Whitlock? Are you thinking back to the olden days when you were a young whippersnapper? Damn, you act like a geriatric!" Alice remarked.

Jasper, of course, went in kissing distance of her face. "You aren't one to talk, Bieber Fever. Last time I checked you were a doctor, not a teeny bopper who was itching to get the autograph of Justin Timberland."

"Timberlake, you Billy Joel listening dork!" Alice grabbed his baseball jersey.

"Billy Joel is a classic musician and not some auto tune, one hit wonder!" Their noses were almost touching.

"Did I win?" Emmett called out, he was followed by an uncomfortable looking, Miss Hale. It seems he had his own Operation Fun going on with the Amazonian blonde.

Alice and Jasper pulled apart. Quickly.

"You just ruined it, Em," I stated, holding out my hand. "You owe me twenty! You were so very close."

"Damn it!" He pulled out some cash and dropped it into my hand. "You keep winning!"

"I've been Alice's friend since childhood. I don't underestimate her willpower." I grinned.

Rosalie quietly asked, "What are you betting on?"

"How long it will take for Whitlock and Alice's sexual tension to erupt." I patted myself on the back. "I haven't lost yet."

"She says in the fall, but it's going to be a long and hot summer!" Emmett pointed out.

"I can't understand why you would use your friends for betting purposes." Edward looked confused.

"Because, it's fun! What else will Emmett do when watching their Moonlighting moments? Play Rock, Paper, Scissors?" I hugged a still confused Edward. "What are you trying to figure out? Rock, Paper, Scissors or the television show, Moonlighting? My mom had a gigantic crush on Bruce Willis when I was growing up. She was always watching that show."

Emmett slung his arm around Rosalie. "I think he's still figuring out how those two aren't fucking under the bleachers. I am. Excuse my French, Rosie!"

"That's not French," Rosalie pointed out stoically.

"You are so right, sexy lady!" Emmett grinned at her and she gave a tiny smile.

It was cute.

"Please tell me that the accountants can at least play baseball? I was embarrassed enough by the bowling," Jasper complained.

"We're playing baseball? I've never done that, Emmett!" Poor Miss Hale exclaimed.

He just patted her head.

"Me either, Bella! You know that!" Edward said worriedly. "Is that Garrett guy playing?"

I saw Jane sullenly march up.

"Hey, Janie!" I smiled at her and turned to Edward. "Nope. We are playing a garage. The Wolf's Den Mechanics."

I kissed his cheek and Edward relaxed into my side. It was lovely!

That was until it was my turn to stiffen.

"Oh shit! It's the slug!" Alice blurted out.

Jane burst into laughter.

It was Jake "The Slug" Black.

It was actually kind of funny.

This game was going to get a lot more interesting!


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: Good morning, sunshines!**

Chapter 15

"So Rosie, the story goes something like this..." Alice began as we sat on the benches before the start of the game. The practice's nurses had arrived with coolers of beers and snack foods.

"Please call me Miss Hale." The solemn face woman asked.

Alice tapped her chin in thought. "No."

I was in the process of getting Edward drunk. It would ease his anxiety over the Cheetos that Emmett was munching on. The bright fake cheese that was flying through the air was making my almost boyfriend hyperventilate.

"Liam! Another beer for Edward!" I pointed to my favorite nurse. He was a burly boy from Boston who was flamboyantly gay. I wanted to keep him.

"Aww girl, no problem! Getting beers for pretty boys is my specialty!" He winked at Edward who was extremely confused.

I started listening in to Alice's conversation with Rosalie. I was going to kill Alice with one of these readily available baseball bats in front of me.

"Why do they call that man a slug?" Rosalie questioned. "I'm sure I don't want the answer, but he appears well toned."

"Nothing like these guns, Rosie!" Emmett flexed his muscles. I threw a apple at his head. "Hey now!"

Alice held out her fingers. "That diddle is the size of slug and as limp as one too."

"Diddle? Jesus, Brandon, you're a medical doctor!" Jasper complained.

Alice gave him the evil eye. "Would pecker work better for you, Dr. Whitlock."

She looked down at his and bit her lip. Jasper started staring at her. He murmured, "Tell me that you didn't see that guy's penis."

They needed to have sex.

"No. It was Bella." She looked like she was about to lick his face.

Damn it.

"What?" Edward asked.

I had no issue with telling Edward. It was my past and I hide nothing. I'm an open book with no filter.

"I dated the slug in high school." I shrugged. I looked over to where Jake was glaring at me. "No biggie. He hates me."

Alice broke her heated gaze with Jasper and grinned. "Bella came up with the nickname our senior year. It was fabulous."

I didn't feel bad in the least. The jerk deserved it.

Our fathers are still best friends in the way old men are destined to become. They are like an old married couple. They eat breakfast together at McDonald's. Have man dates at Yankees baseball games. Take fishing themed vacations together. Get drunk at the bar near their apartments and stumble to my Dad's to spend the night watching old movies. Wait... I think they're actually dating. I'll be damned. Cool!

That's not the point. Those old meddling papas decided to try and play matchmakers by making us date in high school. I thought he was cute. He thought he was cute. At seventeen, you don't make great decisions. Instead you make stupid ones that make you cringe.

Memories of sex with the slug will do that to a girl. I basically stared at the water damage on the slug's ceiling. His G.I. Joe sheets smelled funny. I think he munched on onions in his bed. I didn't feel anything. Just his chest pressing mine and his slobber on my chin. Afterwards, I went home, ate some ice cream and watched _My_ _So-Called Life_. I wished my first time was with Jordan Catalano, though he was a douche on that show.

The next day, the slug bragged about popping my cherry. He said I was frigid. The name, Isabella Popsicle was born. I let everyone know about the slug. Alice and I snuck into the locker room and took pictures to prove our claims. We made posters and hung them all over the school. It was a good day!

"I don't think you could count that time as the slug taking your virginity, Bella," Alice said, patting my hand. "That tiny thing couldn't penetrate a Cheerio."

I snorted.

Edward looked disturbed. I threw my arm around his waist. "Stop it with the cranky face. I was a teenage girl who's daddy picked out her first boyfriend. It was a bad pick, because the guy is a jerk. It was also a very long time ago, when I didn't know that there was a handsome and smart, Edward Cullen out in the world waiting for me to meet him."

I kissed his cheek and he hugged me to him.

"He keeps looking at you," Edward stated. Mr. Jealous was here.

I giggled. "That's pure hate and blinding animosity you see. He's going to be aiming baseballs at my head."

Jacob was a overgrown child.

"If he does, he'll regret it!" Edward was glaring at my ex. It made me smile bigger.

"Bella! You're up!" Jasper yelled. I was a softball champion in high school. It was a surprise to most people.

Of course, Jacob was on the pitcher's mound.

I yelled over to the owner of the garage, Sam who was standing on first base, "Seriously, Sammy? The slug? You hate that kid!"

He really, really did. Jake was always messing with Sam.

"He's dating Leah, Bella! She made me hire him!" Leah was Sam's ball busting sister. I could understand the fear.

However, this was messing with my day. "Grow a pair, Sammy!"

"I'm standing right here, Popsicle! You're such a bitch!" Slug growled.

He threw the ball. My bat wasn't even up.

"I wasn't even ready, Slug!" I yelled. "The only reason I was frigid was because I felt nothing. I had more satisfying Pap smears! You are basically equipped with a Q-Tip!"

They gynecologists loved that joke.

The ball flew again, almost hitting me in the arm.

Emmett and Jasper were holding Edward back. Liam was rolling up the sleeves.

"That's my girlfriend!" Edward yelled.

I liked the sound of that!

"I got this, boys!" I couldn't stop. "You're aim is like your sexual prowess, Slug. You can't hit the fucking mark!"

That was when Jacob Black finally hit something. My head with the baseball.

I fell backwards and blacked out for ten minutes.

I woke to having my head in Edward's lap, as he showered my face with kisses. Alice and Jasper were checking my vitals.

Emmett was sitting on the slug, while Liam was giving him wet willies.

Sam and the rest of the team were laughing hysterically.

The first thought that crossed my mind was if my father and Billy came out of the closet, the slug would be my brother. Yuck!

"The game..." I started to say.

Edward put his finger on my lips. "Is on hold. We can play another day, sweet girl."

I think I was swooning. Maybe I was dizzy. It was hard to tell.

"I wanted to spend time..."

"Tonight, we are going on a real date."

He kissed me softly.

Swooning. I was definitely swooning.


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: I don't usually bother you all with long author's notes, but today I hope you forgive this one. First, another of my stories, Grand Slam up on the poll for The Lemonade Stand. It you would like to vote for it or one of the other great stories, you can find it on tehlemonadestand. (Not a typo. It is teh.)**

**Also, my stories Curve Ball and A Sort of Fairy Tale are on the poll for completed stories in May at Twifanfictionrecs. If you would like to vote for them that would be swell, but I must say that the other stories on there are fantastic picks as well.**

Finally, hi!

Chapter 16

Officer Riley arrested the slug. It was fantastic!

Maybe Riley had some redeeming qualities. That would be nice. Though, I do believe he blamed me for the ruckus. Some rude asides about how my nickname for the slug made him emasculated and created rage. That one high school psychology class we had together back in the old days, suddenly made Riley an expert. What a nut!

Liam gave him a wet willy in retaliation. I wanted to be his hag. Unfortunately, Alice got there first.

I giggled though it gave me a wicked headache. I must say, however, I was really lucky to have just a bump on my head.

However, my dad wasn't buying it.

He had what I believed to be a lover's spat with Billy. I felt bad for laughing. Mostly, because it made the headache worse. I wondered if they were going to kiss and make up. I explained this to Edward as we stood outside of some fancy restaurant. I saw furs and jewels entering the building. This was not my type of joint.

"Maybe we should take you to the hospital?" Edward had my face in his hands, ignoring my story about my father and his maybe boyfriend. He was peering at the bump on my forehead. It was red and round. Not the prettiest look. "It might be infected."

"Alice, Jasper and Emmett all gave me thumbs up. I'm just fine!"

"They deliver babies!" He exclaimed. "You might have a concussion!"

I took his hands from my face and wrapped them around my waist. "They have the lives of mothers and their precious babies in their hands every day. I trust them and so should you. You know what you can do for me?"

He gave a wary little smile. "What?"

"Kiss it and make me feel better."

Gently he pressed his lips to the bump. It was the sweetest thing that anyone ever did for me.

"I just want you to be safe and happy," he stated.

"Life isn't perfect, Edward. We just have to do the best we can and to keep on trucking," I winked. "That's the Grateful Dead by the way."  
"I know The Grateful Dead!" He exclaimed. "I had a roommate who listened to them, until my parents made the school give me a single room. They were worried he would mess up my study habits."

Horrible stick in the muds.

"Never fear! I am here to help you loosen your tie and bring in the joy!" I exclaimed.

"Excuse us!" An older woman covered in jewels pushed past with her husband. He was wearing a tux. I felt like they were what the characters on those Monopoly cards were based on. I couldn't help wondering if when they got home they would sit on bags of gold coins, drink whiskey from glass tumblers and talk about their yacht. "They'll let anyone in these days."

Uh oh. This was troubling if those two were the normal clientele. Very troubling.

"This is really our second date, Edward. The picnic was the first one." I clutched his hand. "Let's go to that cute diner down the road!"

"Bella, that date was a fiasco! We almost ended up in jail!" He led me up to the maître d' who was already scowling.

"That's why it was awesome, silly!" Grasshopper had so much to learn from the mistress of fun.

"This is our romantic do over!" He exclaimed. I liked the first one.

"Do you have a reservation?" That man's face was so pinched that I had to wonder if he was secretly sucking a lemon.

"Cullen, table for two," Edward was so confident when dealing with this snotty man. It was sexy. If he started saying multiplication problems I was going to jump him in the cloak room.

The waiter nodded and then looked at me in confusion.

Obviously, this was the overpriced restaurant version of the Sesame Street's One of These Things is Not Like the Other.

I was Oscar the Grouch. Only happier and not smelling like rotted banana peels.

"Right this way..."

Thirty minutes later, I had been ridiculed by the waiter about my attire and horrible French accent.  
I had to admit to Edward that raw oysters made me think of slugs and there was no way on hell I was sucking one down.

Though watching Edward do it was surprisingly erotic.

The waiter had now returned with our main courses. Mine was looking at me.

I looked at the waiter. "I think you forgot something."

"Yes?"

I looked at my fish. It looked at me. "The head."

"Miss, it is the chef's signature dish," he sneered.

"Perhaps, the chef wouldn't mind removing it just this once?" Edward kindly inquired.

He is such a nice man!

I wasn't so nice about my food giving me the evil eye. "Yes! Back to the kitchen and lop of it's head with a butcher knife. Chef can pretend to be Henry the Eighth or The Queen of Hearts. Off with it's head and all that jazz."

Edward laughed and quickly covered his mouth.

"I'll see what I can do." He left with his nose high up in the air. I hoped the dude wouldn't be getting a nose bleed.

He didn't remove the fish.

It was an ugly bastard.

"You can share my pork with me," Edward offered. He held up his fork and let out a little groan as my lips wrapped around it. Cool!

Until the amount of pepper on it made me choke. Do the rich people in this place even eat the food? It was horrible!

The pork flew out of my mouth and landed on Edward's tie. I started pouring water down my throat, some of which dribbled out the side of my mouth and down my face.

Edward stared and muttered, "So hot."

He completely ignored the food on his tie. It was awesome!

The large chef came out with a face full of fury. He reminded me of Dom Deluise or a pot belly pig. He was intimidating. Mostly with the butcher's knife he was waving around.

"You don't like the head, young lady?" He glared at me. "Then I'll get rid of the head!"

That butcher's knife hit the fish in front of me and it's head bounced up and landed on my lap. It smelled off, quite frankly. The sauce it was drenched in was soaking through my dress.

I jumped up and my knee hit the table. The wine bottle flew in the air and poured all over the chef's white jacket.

I laughed.

To my amazement, Edward started laughing.

The chef, however, didn't find this amusing.

"You are banned from my restaurant!"

"That's perfectly fine," Edward stated, as he stood . He took my hand and kissed it. "You were rude to my girlfriend. That is not acceptable. I shall let Mr. Aro Volturi know about this."

"Mr. Volturi?" The chef looked panicked.

Edward confidently smiled. It was the sexiest thing I ever saw. "He's a close friend."

"But..." The chef looked faint.

Edward took my hand and we headed out to the street.

"I was thinking that we should head to that diner you mentioned before." Edward pulled me close. He rubbed his nose in my hair. "Get some take out."

"Oh!"

His mouth grazed my ear. "I liked watching your mouth around my fork. We can recreate it at my place."

Oh. Wow!

"Okay..."

His hands tightened around my waist. "We need to get you out of that dress."

"To treat the fish head stain?" I squeaked.

"Partly. More importantly, I just want to see what's underneath."

Well color me shocked and horny.

Edward might be a little tipsy from the wine, but whatever works.

That's when he kissed me hard and rough.

Sexy times with the Pythagoras Theorem, here I come!


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: Sorry it's so late!**

Chapter 17

Being intimate with a man that has severe OCD does have it's challenges. I knew this going in.

I didn't quite expect him to be covering the couch in plastic sheeting. This was just to eat dinner and we hadn't even got to the smoochy, smoochy yet.

I did have to wonder if we had to wrap ourselves in plastic wrap first, like leftover's in the fridge. That would be slippery. Perhaps fun! I'll save that idea for future Edward and Bella horizontal mambos!

"Whatcha doin'?" I asked, as I grabbed a fry and stuck it my mouth.

He looked panicked. "Bella, could you use a napkin?"

"Say please and call me sweetheart. That will make me think about it." I took another fry and swirled it around my mouth.

Edward gulped. "Please, sweetheart, do that with the French fry again."

Well, I'll be damned! He forgot about the napkin.

I licked the fry up and down. His eyes were wide and he licked his lips.

"I need to finish covering the couch!" He turned quickly.

I sighed loudly. Maybe my seduction techniques were seriously lacking? I was going to be getting busy on plastic. It was like that horror film...

"This feels like an _American Psycho_ moment, Edward Cullen!" I announced with my nonexistent filter. "Seeing all that plastic makes me think of Christian Bale cutting up pretty Jared Leto!"

"Are you saying you think I'm a serial killer?" He asked incredulously.

"Nah. I'm just pointing out that the plastic is a serial killer move like in _Dexter_. Actually, it makes me think of Laura Palmer wrapped up tight in that stuff. Have you ever seen _Twin Peaks_?" I asked, tapping my chin, as he shook his head in the negative. "We should really watch the episodes together!"

I used to love that show. Dancing dwarves and Agent Cooper eating cherry pie. That was some good TV!

"Are you trying to say you don't want plastic wrap on the couch?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "I can manage to put food in my mouth without it dropping everywhere."

"Really?" He didn't look convinced.

"I would give it the old college try!" He had started figuring me out, because there really was a good chance it would be all over me.

I unzipped my dress and it slipped to the floor. "A promise is a promise, Edward. You wanted my dress and i want you. I honestly don't think your couch cover will feel very good on my bare skin."

"Oh my god, you're beautiful." He ripped off the plastic sheeting. Then looked at my dress. "I need to soak it to get the stain out."

I moved towards him and pushed him on the couch. He said, "Ouch!"

Oops!

"Edward, the only thing that is important right now is you have an almost naked woman in front of you." I straddled him and I placed his hands on my breasts. "The only thing you need to be doing is ravishing me."

Our lips met and he flipped me down on the couch. His hands were touching me all over and that's when I ripped his shirt open. Buttons went flying and he gasped, "I liked that shirt!"

"I like you better without it!" I bit his ear and my fingers made fast work of his belt. His pants and boxers quickly followed.

My hand grabbed his hard dick and he groaned, "You're a vixen, Miss Swan!"

I licked his nipple and Edward's leg flew out and hit our food. It went everywhere.

Edward didn't bat an eye, instead he unhooked my bra and sucked on my boobs. It was magical.

I squeezed his bare ass. His mouth went to town on my neck and I was positive that I would be sporting a massive hickey the next day.

"Say...the multiplication table!" I cried out as his fingers went inside me.

Oh god. Oh god. He started murmuring equations and his talented fingers were make me tremble. I bet those digits became so perfect with all the calculator pounding.

"My room!" He stood and pulled me into his arms, so he could carry me into his bedroom.

He slipped on the food, but me managed to make it.

I was tossed onto the bed and he froze. Like a marble statue. "Edward..."

I crawled on his bed and placed his cock a doodle doo in my mouth. That sure woke him up!

He pulled my head away and said, "I want you, but..."

"Put on a condom, Edward."

"Yes, sweetheart!" He sure could do what he was told. He hovered his body over mine. "So lovely."

I blurted out, "Fractions make me wild."

"Two-thirds," he said with a wicked grin, as he pushed into me.

He started to do complex long division problems as he pushed into me. It was so hot and intense that my nails raked down his back. Push, push, kiss, caress and reciting prime numbers were the perfect combination.

It was good shit!

That's when he said the best thing ever, "Sexy... Tell me your favorite artists!"

I grabbed his hair and thrust upwards, "Caravaggio, baby with a side of Jackson Pollock."

"God damn!" He yelled and emptied inside of me, as I tightened my legs around his waist.

It was almost perfect, but I could have orgasmed a couple more times. Oh well. We needed to work on that.

Afterwards, I cuddled in his arms. He stroked my hair and said, "I need to clean the mess on the living room floor."

"Don't you dare." I looked into his eyes. "I need a kiss."

He smiled. "As you wish."

We kissed and kissed. Then did it some more.

Fun therapy had just begun, but this was a wonderful development.

I think he might just become my everything.


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: I love these two. I really, really do.**

Chapter 18 (EPOV)

I woke up unable to breathe.

There was silky fibers in my mouth and a soft mass pushing down onto my chest.

Was this death? Why did death smell so sweet? My nostrils filled with the smell of lilacs. It reminded me of my grandmother's garden. She would let me play in the dirt as long as my parents were on another continent at medical conferences. It was the happiest time of my childhood, even though I now have an unnatural fear of worms because of it.

I started to panic and my body started to flail.

"Edward! Calm down!" A voice called. My murderer was a woman. "It's Bella!"

My eyes opened slowly. I saw rumpled hair and a sweet smile. A very naked Bella was hovering over me. It was waking to a dream.

"Morning, sunshine!" Bella kissed me on the nose. "I'm starving!"

I couldn't help, but hug her. I had never seen anyone, so happy in the morning. "We could stay here."

I had never been so bold with my past girlfriends. There was just something about this cute, big eyed girl that made me want to be lazy and just have her skin next to mine.

It was a strange discovery.

"There will be more time for this later, Gator!" She started bouncing on the bed. My eyes just couldn't stop looking at her bobbing breasts. They were mesmerizing. Bella grabbed my face. "Eyes looking at mine, Buddy. We missed dinner and I have a mighty hunger."

"I could make you some..." I had a variety of granola and plain yogurt.

Bella bounced on her knees. I couldn't stop looking. Damn, I wanted to flip her over and suck on those things.

"I need sausage!" She started cracking up. "I know there's some nice sausage in this bed with me, but seriously I'm hungry and could really use hash browns too! I know this kick ass little restaurant that has the best breakfast!"

She stood and started jumping on my bed.

I was horrified. Flashbacks of my one time trying to do such a dangerous activity filled my head.

_"Edward? What is that noise, young man?" My mother, Esme came in her heels making a clicking noise on the floor. My mother was always wearing them. Morning, noon and night. "You'll break your skull!"_

_I was so horrified at her entering and catching me being frivolous, that I missed the bed and ended up on the floor. I started crying._

_Mother gave me a unsympathetic look. "You'll be fine. Carlisle?"_

_My father called from his office, "Yes, my dear?"_

_"Punishment?"_

_My father called back, "Have him copy the section on sexually transmitted diseases in the medical journal."_

_I wanted to wail._

_Mother tapped my desk. "Get to work, son."_

_I will never bounce on my bed again._

"What's wrong?" Bella stopped and looked down at me.

I looked at her sternly. God, she was pretty. "It's dangerous and will break the box spring."

"Get your ass up here!" She pulled me up and put her hands on my hips. "Bounce, baby!"

"Bella, I can't!" I pleaded. My mother's disapproving gaze filled my brain. "Listen,my parents have always sa..."

"That you are to live an existence of no enjoyment. I got that." She slowly bounced with me. Bella was bewitching me. "They wouldn't know fun if it hit them over the head. Don't you worry, I will bludgeon them with fun when I meet them!"

I never wanted her to meet them. If they squashed Bella's joy, I would never forgive myself.

We bounced more. I felt my heart speeding up. I was going to have a panic attack.

She kissed me. My heart was still beating rapidly, but it wasn't due to the panic. It was all due to her mouth on mine.

We bounced harder. Up and down we went.

Her smile was so very big and her face was flushed.

I couldn't help smiling as well.

Bouncing harder and higher, we started laughing. Was this what I've been missing?

Then we fell.

My back hit the mattress and she landed on my chest. I gripped her waist. She ran her fingers through my hair. She said with that beautiful, flushed face, "Hi."

I rubbed her lower back. "Hi."

"Edward..."

"Yes?" She was amazing.

"I want your sausage right now." Bella giggled.

I had to smile. I reached over to my drawer and grabbed a condom. "It's yours."

She gently placed the condom on me with a soothing touch and lowered herself on me. With matching smiles on our faces, Bella moved slowly. I couldn't take my eyes off her, as I felt the pressure build.

I stroked her slowly and watched as her eyes fluttered as she came. I followed soon after. This was perfect and, to sound like a sap, we were perfect.

Bella hugged me to her. "You are wonderful, Edward Cullen. Don't let anyone put your inner glow in a box, handsome. You are positively glowing right now, you amazing man."

She was heaven.

That's when she jumped up. "Shower time!"

I just sat there.

She turned around. "You coming?"

Indeed I was and probably several more times this morning.

XXXXXX

Thirty minutes later, I was banned from the living room.

"Bella, let me clean it up!" I was shaking to get my rubber gloves and cleaning solution.

"No way, Snickerdoodle!" Bella called back. "If you do it, we'll never get breakfast!"

"Have you noticed you have a tendency to use odd nicknames?" I asked in a huff, as I sat at the kitchen island. I played with my coffee cup.

I heard laughter. "Have you ever noticed that you can be a testy monkey in the morning?"

Damn, she was happy.

I heard a scrapping noise and a little groan.

"What are you doing?" I jumped up in a panic.

She called out. "Two more minutes, Cullen! Sit that cute ass down!"

I did as I was told.

A few minutes later and Bella yelled, "Come on in!"

The first thing I noticed, was how pretty Bella looked in my shirt that she made into a dress again. She picked my favorite stripe tie to put around her waist. I wanted to make love to her on top of the coffee table.

Which she had moved.

"What did you do?" I looked in amazement.

"I think it looks more comfortable." She grinned. "You need some pillows."

It did look better and not so sterile.

The couch and chair were closer together. She switched around some lamps. It made sense with Bella's artistic touch.

"What possessed you to do this?" Her face fell, so I added, "It looks great, but I'm curious."

That grin again. "To hide the stain!"

Of course.

"What do you think of some artwork? A little color?" She looked at my blank walls. "You can pick out whatever you want from the gallery. My treat!"

I blurted out, "I want your paintings!"  
She launched herself on me and wrapped her legs around my waist. "Thank you!"

She kissed me.

I almost dropped her, because her intensity made me weak in the knees.

"Let's get some breakfast!" She exclaimed, pulling away from my mouth.

I was still holding her. "Are you going to get down?"

"I thought you could give me a piggy back ride!"

Her joy was infectious.

That was the day, I gave my first piggy back ride and it was amazing.


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: Hi!**

Chapter 19

I pulled him towards the large pond and the rental building.

"I don't know about this, Bella." Edward was nervous. This was to be expected.

The sun was shimmering on the water and children were playing at the water's edge. It would have made a beautiful picture, but it was missing something.

I grabbed Edward and moved him into the frame and took a picture with my phone. He grimaced. Still cute, but not what I was going for.

"Please try to smile, grumpy pants!" I did a second attempt.

There was a smile. Sort of. It would do.

"I don't think these vehicles look safe," Edward placed his toe up against one of the plastic boats. "We'll fall in!"

"It isn't a tippy canoe that I'm making you serenade me in," I pointed out. "That sir, is for another day!"

I linked our fingers and headed to the stand. I said to Mr. Saul, "One of your finest paddle boats!"

"Isabella! Happy to see you, little one!" He was an exuberant, wizened man with the most amazing cotton ball, white hair. "I see you are in need of a double this time!"

I grinned and nodded. I finally got to go someone else and it was marvelous.

"Two life jackets, please!" Edward asked, looking at the water.

"Edward, can't you swim?" I asked, but he wouldn't look at me.

He was visibly sad. "Father thought it was a frivolous activity that would take me away from my studies."

"Handsome, that is an unsafe travesty! I will have to teach you how to swim at the YMCA!" I took the life jackets and placed one on Edward. "Bright yellow is your color!"

I kissed his nose and he relaxed.

"You need to wear yours, too." Edward tried to put mine on me.

"I can swim!" I was an excellent swimmer. Like a quick, little minnow.

Edward pinched his nose. "Humor me."

I smiled and put on the vest. The things I do for the man I adore.

I waved at Mr. Saul and we headed to a red paddle boat with racing stripes. It looked like it would really be able to move.

"Are you sure that thing is sea worthy?" Edward asked, inspecting it. "I don't think it will even float."

I started pushing into the water. "You need to have a little faith in things! Our chariot awaits!"

As I made him sit, his foot got stuck in the water. "The mud! I'm all wet!"

"You'll dry," I said in an attempt to console him. "Now move your feet and let's go paddling!"

I wasn't sure this day's activity was one of Edward's favorites. He didn't seem to enjoy the blissful action of enjoying the sun on one's face and just slowly moving around the pond.

"Those children are going faster than we are." He looked at a group of children who passed by us quickly. It must be pointed out that in paddle boats quick is going slightly faster than a turtle.

"Enjoy and relax, Edward." I closed my eyes.

"Are you falling asleep?" He shook my shoulder. "That isn't safe!"

"Put your arm around me, Nutty," I demanded.

He did as I asked and I snuggled into his chest.

"I do like that," he admitted. I was pretty sure he would.

I rubbed his leg and he started paddling harder. "I thought this would be relaxing to you?"

"Right now, it's making me excited." He swallowed hard and looked down at his excitement. Oh!

"Is it me or is it the action of going around in circles while riding in a small, plastic boat?"

"It's most definitely you!" He admitted.

I kissed him and he started kissing me back. We were getting a little scandalous for our fellow paddlers.

I pulled away and that's when I saw them.

"Holy shit!" I cried.

"What? What?" Edward looked at me in a panic. "What did I do wrong?"

"They're kissing!" I almost fainted, because there at the shore was Alice and Jasper in a heated lip lock. "Damn it! I owe Emmett twenty bucks!"

Edward looked at them. "Wow."

"Yeah, wow! Let's say hello!" I smiled at the knowledge that I was going to embarrass Alice.

"Bella, sweetheart, leave them alone," Edward pleaded. He could be such an adorable softy.

I loved him calling me sweet terms of affection, but my need for vengeance against my buddy was too strong. This is how we show our best friend love for each other.

I stood in the rocking paddle boat. "Yo, yo yo, Dr. Al! What's up?"

I saw Alice pull away with a little shriek.

My laughter was so robust that the boat rocked harder and Edward was trying to hold on for dear life. It didn't help.

The paddle boat flipped over and we landed in the water. Edward was sputtering and I was laughing even harder.

"Good thing we have our life jackets!" I bobbed up and down.

Edward made a horrible face. "This water is disgusting."

"Kiss me!"

He looked at me with an odd expression. "Why?"

"Do it!"

He did and even with our cumbersome life jackets I felt his hands roaming.

"This is kind of fun," he said, pulling away in the water. "I like kissing in the water."  
"Me too!" I kissed him again. "There are so many water destinations we can keep doing this in."

"Really?" He kissed me some more, because that was our thing.

"You betcha," I replied finally, after pulling away to breathe.

"Bella Swan! Do I need to arrest you for disturbing the peace?" Officer Riley yelled.

Officer Pain in the Ass should be his name.

I ignored him.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

I took his face in mine, as we treaded water. "Will you officially meet my dad? Have dinner with us?"

He looked petrified and then nodded. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The kiss I gave him then was filled with everything that I had. Respect, adoration and a whole lot of love.

I think he gave it back to me in return.


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: Hello!**

Chapter 20

"The higher you swing, the more relaxing!" I yelled to Edward.

I felt the breeze on my face and I went high up in the air. Just like when I was young, it felt like my feet could touch the top of trees. It was invigorating.

"How is this supposed help me get comfortable meeting your dad?" He was barely moving.

We were at the small park next to my dad's apartment. The swing set was sufficient to try to ease poor Edward into meeting my dad. So far, it wasn't a success.

"Pump with your knees, cute stuff!" I went higher. "The elevation creates laughter, which will make you feel lighter and happier. Do you want me to push you?"

"No!" Edward looked offended. "I have been on a swing before!"

I slowed down. "How many times?"

"Two," he admitted. I stopped and hopped off. I stood before him as he twisted slowly. "Nanny used to take me to the park. The second time I fell off the swing and skinned my knee. No more parks after that."

I sat on his lap. Taking his face in my hands, I said, "You deserve to feel the breeze in your hair, to be able to close your eyes and imagine that you're are flying. Wanna try?"

"I feel silly. I'm a grown man, Bella." Edward twisted us back and forth.

"Who cares!" I jumped off his lap and grabbed the chains that held the swing. I pulled back with all my strength. "Hold on tight, monkey!"

He went flying, as he let out a scream. Oh shit!

"Hang on, Edward! Move those legs! Pretend you're a pilot!" I called out.

He pumped his legs, but it was quiet until...

Edward Cullen started laughing. It was a beautiful sound.

"Bella! Are you and that boy getting your asses in here for dinner?" My father called from the front stoop.

That's when Edward let go and went flying. He landed on his butt on the ground, his head quickly followed.

I ran over and knelt down. "Are you okay?"

"I shouldn't have let go!" He rubbed his head.

I kissed it. "Nope. You need ice for that bump."

"I need another kiss, I think," Edward announced with a goofy grin.

I giggled. "Granted!"

Our lip lock was cut short by my grumpy and hungry daddy. "It's going to get cold!"

I pulled him up and we went over to my scowling father. "Dad, I know you met Edward before, but..."

"I have a gun, boy. I'm not afraid to shoot you right between your eyes." He gave my guy the stink eye, but I saw his mustache twitch. My daddy was such a kidder. "Let's eat!"

Edward looked nervous, as we followed my dad up the stairs. I whispered in his ear, "The worst he can do is shoot water in your eye. It will be fine."

I squeezed his hand and he hung onto it like a lifeline.

My eyes widened at the state of my father's apartment. It was clean and jazz was playing on the stereo.

Weird, but also quite nice!

Truthfully, I was expecting to see a baseball game on the television and a six-pack of Bud Light on the table as appetizers.

Instead, Dad's fishing magazines were piled up neatly on the coffee table. They were next to a plate of cheese and crackers. There were new plaid pillows on the couch. He had dusted and lit scented candles. It was a series of unexpected developments.

"Edward, can I get you a beer?" My dad asked. That was expected. "I have Sam Adams, Smutty Nose and I think Amstel Light."

That was not.

"A Sam Adams, sir."

My father nodded. "Wine, Bella?"

What?

"Beer, Daddy!" I felt his head. "Are you sick?"

"Fine, Kid!" He patted my head like a puppy.

That's when I could smell a delicious aroma coming out of the kitchen. It was not the frozen lasagne I had purchased for my dad to serve. "What is that smell, Dad?"

"It's enchiladas, Bella," Billy stated coming out of kitchen, cleaning his hands on a dish towel. His dark hair was peppered with gray and his eyes twinkled at me. "I made them up as an apology for Jacob's behavior."

They were boyfriends! I swallowed my squeals of joy. I just needed proof.

"It's okay, you didn't raise him to be a moron. I blame his constant need to be a douche on his dependency on movies starring wrestlers. He has an inflated sense of self." I sat on the couch and pulled Edward down with me. "Billy, Edward. Edward, Billy."

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Cullen. Our Bella, is quite taken with you," Billy stated with a smile.

I grabbed Edward's stiff arm and pulled it around my shoulder. My guy was regarding Dad warily. "Hello, Mr. Black."

Edward looked terrified.

"Let's get the kids some beers, Billy." My dad pointed to the kitchen.

I whispered to Edward, "Let's play spy!"

"What?" His eyes widened.

Distractions were the key with my handsome man.

I moved closer, so our bodies were touching. "I want to see if my dad and Billy are secret lovahs!"

"Bella!"

"Shh!" I put my fingers on his lips. I rubbed them slowly. "Or we can just make out on my daddy's couch. That's what I bet the guys are doing in the kitchen right now."

"We can't make out in your father's home!" Edward exclaimed quietly.

"Really?" I licked his lips.

He kissed me back. "God, you're a cute, little package of trouble."

"No doubt." I grinned. "Should we disrespect my day's couch?"

"Will he shoot me?"

I snorted. "Probably!"

He lifted me up and placed me on the floor with a sigh. "Lead the way, Sherlock!"

"Making out to be continued later, Watson!" I grabbed his hand and led him towards the kitchen.

Edward replied, "Why am I imaging you naked with a tweed cap and pipe?"

"Why am I imagining you wearing only a stethoscope and a happy smile, Dr. Watson?" I said with a wink.

He groaned and put a hand over a prominent and promising erection.

I slapped his ass. "Stick with me, handsome! I will be seducing you in so many ways."

Another groan. Fun times!

That's when I saw it. I knew it!

My father, Charles Swan was kissing Billy Black in a heated lip lock. They were kneading each other's butts like pizza dough.

"Wow!" I squealed.

I did my happy, bouncy clap.

"Bella! Sweetie, I should have told you..." My dad looked at me nervously.

I ignored him and jumped on Billy giving him a huge hug. "I have a new daddy!"

I looked at Edward with a big smile, which he returned. Today was a most excellent day!


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Alice was hiding in the gallery. She had patients charts covering the front desk. Jane kept threatening her with a No.2 pencil.

"Why are you here?" Jane glared. "Shouldn't you be poking vaginas right now?"

That was quite the visual. I frowned. "It's Alice's quiet time between patients. She has phone for messages. Let her be, Janie!"

"It's not my fault she had sexy times with the boss man and is afraid to face the consequences. In fact, I think she should man up and face him. You got some girl balls in there, Doc? Cause, I think you need to use them. I want to get back to doing work."

Jane was such a liar. She doesn't work. I had a feeling she just wanted to carve more pictures into the desk. It was pretty cool to look at, so I didn't complain.

I watched Alice's glare turn into a murderous rage. "I did not have sexy times with Whitlock! I tripped and fell on his mouth! He is not my boss!"

"You were totally making out! I saw tongue, Ali! That you cannot deny!" I jumped off my stool. "I feel a freestyle rap moment coming on! I shall make a composition of mad beats about how you and Jazzy Jasper were macking pond style at the park."

"First of all, you are a horrible rapper. Bella, an eighty-year old woman has more rhythmic flow and lyrical mastery. That girl, is full on truth!" Alice pointed this out by waving her pen at me. Her words were all sorts of blasphemy. I had amazing skills. Maybe. She continued, "You are also a traitor! Telling Jane!"

"She told me too, little Ali," my dad said. He couldn't keep his big mouth shut. "Honey, you have too much class to make out in public."

That was hysterical, because I made sure to make out with Edward everywhere! I didn't get lectures, but Alice did.

"It's okay if you are making out in you kitchen with Billy. Right, Daddy?" I asked, almost innocently.

My father rolled his eyes.

Alice yelled, "Oh fuck! The slug is going to be your brother!"

No! I kept making myself forget that not so fun fact.

"I'm not getting hitched, girls!" My dad complained and started eating a donut.

Jane snorted, "Are you wearing the white dress, Charlie?"

"I think the nuptials should fit Charlie and Billy." Alice tapped her chin with her pen. "It should be simple and in the woods. We can throw them a BBQ reception!"

"Stop planning my wedding!" My dad was looking annoyed.

I added, "Deep sea fishing trip for the honeymoon!"

We all giggled, except for my dad.

"I'm leaving!" My dad got up and brushed donut crumbs on my floor. "I'm going to meet Billy at McDonald's!"

Jane gave an evil cackle. "Is that code for knocking boots?"

"You girls are a bunch of bad seed!" Charlie glared. "Lucky for you all, I love you. I'll bring back fries."

Yay!

I pointed at Alice. "Now that my dad has gone, let's talk Jasper Whitlock. Why are you hiding?"

Alice angrily crumpled the paper she was working on. Taking a deep breath, she stated, "He said it was a stupid mistake."

"Do you think it was a mistake?" I questioned.

Her face fell. "I do now. I mean, I really want to dislike the guy! He is my main competition for being the best doctor in the damn world. Jasper is brilliant and so good with patients."

She looked at her hand.

"And?" I knew there was more.

Alice looked up. "He's a sexy beast."

Jane shook her head. "Women."

It was time, I decided, that Alice took the stubborn Jasper bull by the horns and ride him hard. Which is to say, my best friend needed to get her man. I was certain he was infatuated with Ali, too. I just needed him to admit it.

The bell chimed and I heard my favorite voice in the world. "Bella?"  
I turned to see my Edward followed by Rosalie and a cocky stranger. That guy had swagger written all over him.

It didn't matter to me, because my only desire was to have Edward's lips on mine. I launched myself on him. "I missed you!"

"I saw you this morning!"

"Too long!" I kissed him. He was willing to reciprocate.

"Damn," the smug guy stated. "Anyone have some sugar for me?"

What a hilarious slime ball!

"You're kidding, right?" Alice looked at him like he was nuts.

"I want to stab him with a letter opener," Jane snarled.

Edward looked embarrassed. "Ladies, this is Alec Volturi. He is one of the associates at the firm."

Alec winked. "Your wet dreams have been answered!"

Rosalie pushed past him and went to Alice. "Dr. Brandon, is Dr. McCarty with a patient?"

"It's Alice, Rosie." Alice looked away from Alec. "Go on up. He'll be ecstatic to see you."

Rosalie blushed. She rushed to the door. It was adorable!

Alec put both elbows on the desk and placed his chin on his hands. "A doctor? What will it take to get a physical? Dinner? Flowers? Full body massage, you lovely M.D.?"

Alice looked at Edward. "He's not serious, is he?"

Edward pulled me closer. "Unfortunately, he is."

"He should be neutered," Jane spat.

"I like the wild side, you rabid little meerkat." Alec grinned. "Threesome."

Jane gave a look that could kill. "I want to whip you."

"Just teasing, scary doll girl." Alec was beaming. He was a kinky guy! I found the fact that he was Edward's friend an amazing and odd development. He turned to Alice. "What do you say, Dr. Alice? Is that what you said your name was? I like it. I can put some wonder in you private lands, baby."  
I should have been appalled but he was hilarious!

"Why did you bring your filter less buddy bring here, Edward?" I smiled up at him. "He's funny!"

Edward looked at his friend's antics with a scowl. "Alice's partner hired the firm to take over the accounting of the practice. Rosalie will be working with you and Alec with Dr. Whitlock. This is going to be an epic failure."

"Why?" I watched Alice chuckle at Alec's antics. Jane just glared.

"His flirting will make us lose business!"

I rubbed his back. "His flirting is a nice distraction for Alice. Jasper made her sad and she needs someone that she can just have fun with."

"Alec is a cad." Edward looked thoughtful. "He could hurt her even worse."

"Alice is made of tough stuff when it comes to your friend's type. It's Jasper and the challenge he represents that makes her heart break."

"You are a good friend." Edward hugged me and kissed my head.

He was so delightful!

There was a few lighthearted moments of chit chat and Jane's threats, until Jasper burst into the gallery.

"Alice! Stop playing..." He stopped and his mouth dropped open at the sight of Alec squeezing Alice's hand. "Who's this?"

Alice didn't even glance at him, which was a smooth move. "Alec Volturi. He's the accountant you hired."

"You shouldn't be holding hands!" Jasper yelled. He quickly composed himself held out his hand to Alec. "Dr. Jasper Whitlock. We try to keep things professional in the office."

"Great!" Alec flashed Jasper a smirk. "My brother, Felix will be taking your account. I was just accompanying Edward to pick up Bella. We're going to lunch. Want to come, Dr. McSexy?"

Alice grinned. "I have a patient coming in. Thank you for the offer."

"Dinner?" This Alec was persistent!

Edward blurted out, "We should double date!"  
What? How marvelous!

"We should take the girls to Nonni's restaurant, Ed!" Alec clapped his hands. "It's been in the family for years. The best cannoli in the state!"

"That's awesome!" I looked at Alice. "You in, Brandon."

She shot a look at at Jasper. "Absolutely!"

Jasper faced flushed bright red and he stormed out.

Alice put on a happy face, but I knew inside she was sad. Poor Ali!

I gave Edward a tight hug. "Thank you for coming up with that idea!"

"Anything for my girl."

I just turned my swooning up to maximum.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 (EPOV)

I wasn't planning on going back to the gallery after work. In fact, I was just going to call Bella and talk her out of the double date. Except, that it was Bella and I absolutely didn't want her to get the wrong idea about my canceling. I need to make sure she knew it wasn't her, but the fact that the Volturi family was certifiably insane.

They were my family. Not by blood, but for the fact that the genuinely seemed to like me and enjoy my company. This was unlike my parents, who seemed to tolerate me at best. The Volturi's were also very loud and had no use for censorship of any type. Aro, himself, said things that made me blush! I was surprised that they didn't lose any clients and amazed that they actually had more that respected them for their big mouths.

There was a good chance that Bella would like them. She was an open minded girl. There was an even bigger chance that Aro, Alec and the rest of the family would say something so offensive that Bella and Alice will run away screaming. Bella was too important to lose. I was scared enough of losing her if she met my parents.

I sighed as I opened the door and had to duck, as a pen flew towards my head.

"What are you doing?" I yelled at the scary tattooed girl. "You could have hit me in the eye!"

"Your glasses would deflect them, you skinny ass Clark Kent." She looked at me with a sneer and opened a banana. "It's closing time, bitch."

I looked at my watch. "You are open for fifteen more minutes!"

"Oh." She chewed her banana and added, "Does the fact that I'm eating this remind you what you do to your douche of a buddy?"

"Alec and I aren't gay!"

"Whatever, Accountant Guy." She waved me away. "Go home."

I looked at her. Who did this tattooed girl think she was? Actually, those things were sort of beautiful. They could be painful, I would imagine. I shook my head and stopped concentrating on her tattoos. "Is Bella here?

Jane looked under the desk. "Nope."

"Is she in her office?" Jane just shrugged. "What's your problem?"

She started flicking her nose ring. "You are. I, as a matter of principle, don't make friends as a habit. That crazy lady is possibly the nicest person in world and she makes people her friends without them knowing it. I don't trust you, Poindexter. Bella really likes you and could get crushed by your neurosis. Let me give you a heads up. If you hurt her, I'll be removing all of your finger nails and feeding them to my boa constrictor. Got it?"

I imagined her snake and squeaked, "Yes."

"She's creating in her office."

I went quickly. Jane was a frightening little woman.

"Bella?" I asked opening the door. That's when I saw the most amazing sight. It made my OCD go into panic mode, but the man in me was feeling extremely turned on.

She was covered in paint. Bella's tiny tank top and shorts were now in a variety of colors. She looked like a paint factory blew up on her. It was even in her high ponytail that was bouncing as she up and down to the loud music that was blasting from her stereo.

It was some punk band I guessed and was a far cry from the soothing sounds of Simon & Garfunkle that soothed me as I figured out complicated deductions.

I found my foot tapping to the drums I heard.

She was using her hands to toss paint on the large canvas in front of her. It was larger than she was. The colors on it made swirls that made me dizzy, but it was intriguing. The thought of the slick substance on my hands made me tremble, but not in disgust. Instead, the idea of Bella using hers paint covered hands on me was a turn on.

This was confusing. This one woman has turned my life upside down.

"Umm...Bella?" I asked a little louder.

"Edward? Yay!" Bella spun around and squealed. She skipped over at put her hands on my cheeks. I felt the paint on my face. I must have made a face, because she pulled away and gave an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking!"

"No!" I didn't want her to feel bad. "I would like to kiss you hello."

Bella placed her hands behind her back and leaned in to give me a peck on the lips. She pulled away and it felt all wrong. I didn't even think about it. I just pulled her close to me a gave her the kiss I craved from her.

"Wow oh wow!" She looked at me with awe. I wanted to marry her someday. "Let me clean up and..."

I blurted out, "Can I try?"

"Painting?"

"Maybe?" I said, nervously.

My big eyed girl just smiled. "Take off the dress shirt and pants. Glasses too."

"Are you getting me naked for a reason?" I really wanted her to.

"So you won't get paint on your nice clothes."

Perfect.

"Thank you," I said, as stripped down to my undershirt and boxers.

"You're welc..." She stared at my boxers. "They have math equations on them."

I felt embarrassed. "They were a gag gift at the holiday gift exchange,"

Bella wrapped her body around me. "They turn me on."

Before I could kiss her, she hopped off and pulled me up to the canvas. I looked at her in shock. "This is yours!"

"Now it's ours," she dabbed paint on my nose. "Fingers in!"

I placed my fingers in the jar. It was an odd sensation, but not terrible. I gently stroked the canvas.

Bella's arms wrapped around me and she palmed me through the boxers. "You are doing such a wonderful job."

She rubbed slowly and kissed my neck, as my hands made circles. I had an idea. "Bella, I would like to paint you."

She turned me around and said quietly, "Watch."

Piece by piece, her clothes fell to the floor. "You too, handsome."

She didn't have to ask me twice.

We stood naked before one another and Bells whispered, "You decorate me and I'll do the same to you."

A kiss on my shoulder and a red line going down my arm.

Blue circling her breasts. That amazing giggle.

Green circles on my chest.

Yellow on her hips.

Our mouths met.

I knew our colors were mixing together, as we rolled around on the floor.

Kisses kept us grounded.

When I entered her I knew we were making love. She was amazing.

Afterward, she was in my arms as we kissed languidly.

I pulled away and said, "About the double date...

"I'm excited!" She said happily. "I'm meeting part of your family!"

"Bella, they are very forward and loud. They might be insa..."

"They sound wonderful!" She added, "You love them and I will too!"

I just couldn't stop looking at this rainbow girl. She put the color back into my life and I was in love.


	23. Chapter 23

**AN: Hi everybody!**

**Quick story recommendation... Diary of an Ugly Girl by ronilabidas. She is writing a great story with a Bella that I've really become attached to. It has romance, humor and drama which makes it an excellent story. Let me know what you think!**

Chapter 23

Volturi's Italian Bistro was a gem! A positively amazing diamond in the rough that smelled like heaven.

It should have been in a movie starring Al Pacino with it's dark wood walls, paintings of floating gondolas in Venice. The place was packed and the laughter was loud, but not loud enough that you couldn't hear old blue eyes crooning in the background.

An actual old blue eyes, because they had a Frank Sinatra impersonator singing about a lady being a tramp. I just had to do my happy clap bouncing.

"You like it?" Edward asked with a smile.

"Do I like it?" I gave him a wink. "I'm in love with it! Al?"

"Agreed, Swan!" She sniffed the air. "That is some delicious smells entering my nostrils."

Alec came over and threw his arm around Alice. "That's my sexual pheromones, Doc. Take a deep whiff and see what wondrous smells you'll be enjoying this evening."

Alice took a sniff of his neck. "Smells like a valiant effort, Alec. Don't get your hopes up."

"Oh baby, I'll win you over yet." He motioned towards the tables. "Nonni, has the perfect place for us."

Alice gave him grin, but then I noticed her eyes flit to the door. She was looking for Jasper.

I pulled her back to walk with me. "Stop it, Brandon."

"I'm not doing anything."

She peeked back. Like hell she wasn't looking for Jasper.

"He's not here," I hissed.

"He will be," she hissed back.

"Do you want him to be?"

"No!"

Yes.

"Bella? Alice? Everything okay?" Edward asked.

"Yes!" We both said brightly. We were little fibbers.

She tried to trip me and I kicked her in the shin. That's what friends are for.

We weren't sitting at the table for long when the boisterous Volturi family swooped in and started talking at once.

"Get the children wine, Antonio! The calamari special! The antipasto platter, Luigi! These beautiful young ladies need meat on their bones." An older woman with short curls and a floral dress was directing the waiters. She smack Alec's head. "I see you trying to touch that lovely girl's knee."

Alice looked down and must have seen where Alec's hand was poised, she slapped Alec's head too.

"Nonni! Alice! I was trying to scratch my leg!" He whined. I saw him whisper to Alice, "You have a scratch you need itching, Doc?"

Alice giggled. She really did need an Alec distraction.

Large amounts of wine were being poured into goblets. The Volturis were party animals!

"Children!" A man exclaimed with a wave of his hands. I knew immediately this was Aro Volturi, aka The Accounting Maestro, who was a staple on late night commercials. He wore a dark suit and gold chains with his hair slicked back looking like an extra from _The Sopranos_. I wanted him to recite scenes from _The Godfather_ or _Good Fellas_!

He held the hand of a lovely woman with similar complexion to Alec. She was decked out in jewels, but her smile was warm. "What a wonderful evening to have all our loved ones here! Old and new! Hello, I'm Gina Volturi. You can call me Mama."

Alec kissed her on both cheeks. "Mama and Papa, this is my date Dr. Alice Brandon."

Mama beamed and grabbed onto Nonni. "Did you hear that? She's a doctor!"

Little children ran laps around the table and I drank some wine. Yummy!

Edward looked sweaty and nervous. I would sponge him off later.

"She looks like a good breeder," Nonni stated, looking Alice up and down.

In true Alice Brandon fashion, she laughed. "I'm an obstetrician. I _know_ babies!"

"You, Dr. Alice are a special girl! So gorgeous, Alec! Boy, keep this one close! She's saucy! You know what that means?" Aro chuckled.

"She's good in bed?" I blurted out.

Everyone looked at me in silence. You could hear a pin drop.

Edward was clutching my leg.

That's when Aro laughed. It was a full body chuckle. "Edward, who is this vision of silly charm?"

"This is my girlfriend, Isabella Swan," Edward introduced me. His death grip on my knee tightened.

"Edward, call me Papa. He always forgets, Isabella! You call me Papa, too!" He took my hand. "You're name fits you, young lady!"

What a charmer! I could also tell how much they all adored Edward. That made me love them even more.

Aro leaned over to whisper in my ear, "Thank you for helping Edward out of his shell. He deserves happiness."

My heart swelled up in joy!

"Dr. Al! You said yes to my little brother?" The younger version of Aro walked over with a very pregnant woman.

"Hello. Felix." Alice jumped up and gently touched the woman's stomach. "How are you feeling, Gianna?"

"Like a blimp! When is this one finished cookin', Dr. Alice?" The woman looked tired.

Alice patted her hand. "Even though it's your fourth, this baby isn't completely baked yet."

I watched in confusion and Alice caught my expression. "It was a funny surprise when Felix came in to do the accounting. I've delivered all of his babies. He faints every time!"

"Dr. Al! My reputation!" Felix complained.

Gianna chuckled, "What reputation?" I have the picture of you passed out at every delivery. They come out every Christmas!"

This was a fun family. Edward looked miserable. I grabbed his hand and brought it up to my lips to kiss.

It was only a few hours later and food was being consumed gustily, wine was practically chugged and the volume was at an all time high. Alice and I were having a ball. Alec was sitting in Alice's lap in an attempt to give her a lap dance demonstration. The elders were dancing to the Frank Sinatra doppelgänger. Edward looked more and more melancholy.

What the hell was going on with him?"

That's when it happened. I glanced over at the near the door where a hostess was sitting Jasper down with a beautiful redhead. I was going to kill him!

Of course, he had no interest in the red head. He was staring at the giggling Alice who was trying to push a gyrating Alec off her lap.

Jasper was a repressed idiot.

I saw his determined expression, as he stomped over to the table followed by Big Red. Her hair was so teased a bird probably made a nest in there. "Good to see you all."

Alice looked up with wide eyes and sad face. My heart was breaking for her.

Alec must have noticed my friend's distressed face. He hopped up and held his hand out to Jasper. "Dr. Whitlock."

They gripped hands and it was like a standing arm wrestling match.

Alice quietly asked, "What are you doing here, Jasper?"

There was no Whitlock or Dr. Whitlock, which meant she was devastated. Gianna came over and placed a comforting hand on Alice's shoulder. She must have had front row seat to their sexual tension during the birth of her babies.

"I heard good things, so I brought my date to this wonderful establishment. This is Vicki."

That moron was trying to make her jealous. He barely looked at that woman he was motioning to. Did he pick her up on a street corner? Her dress was short enough in all it's leopard print glory. She just ignored all of us.

Alec stared at Jasper for a minute, then took a large swig of wine. He pulled Alice up. "I've needed to do this all night."

He gave her a movie star kiss. It was fabulous!

"Wow!" Alice said.

Jasper got in Alec's face. "Don't kiss her!"

"I don't see a ring on her finger, asshole." Alec smiled.

Jasper rolled up his sleeves. "Let's take this outside."

"Gladly!" Alec grabbed an opened bottle and kept drinking.

Aro just chuckled and kept playing poker with Uncle Franco at a nearby table. He was taking the poor guy to the cleaners.

"No. Stop. Please." Alice said quietly, as we followed them outside. I think my friend was liking the attention.

"Ali!"

She winked. "I think I like them both!"

Oh shit!

It was only a minute when Alec took the first punch. He missed. "That's for making her cry!"

"It wasn't my intention!" Jasper tried to kick Alec, but it looked liked the worst audition for _Riverdance_ ever. He would never have a second career as an Irish Dancer. "Alice is a beautiful flower, she too good for both of us!"

Alice eyes got watery.

"She deserves to be treated like a queen!" Alec tried to pull Jasper's hair and got his big college ring stuck in it. "What the fuck? Cut off some of those curls, you girly man!"

They tripped on each other and were rolling around swatting at each other like the other was covered in flys.

It was hysterical!

"That is so romantic!" She cried. It was!

Felix put his arms around us. "Dr. Al and Izzy, that right there is two men who fight like kindergarten girls. Their penis are the sizes of those pink erasers that those two use to erase their drawings of the _Care Bears_. If Eddie joined in it would be a teeny peeny convention. If a group of men had smaller..."

Gianna took him by the ear and pulled him away. "Behave, Felix!"

"Yes, beloved!" Felix kissed her. The cuteness was overwhelming!

Aro had wandered out. He was laughing and making a waiter take pictures.

Gina was flapping her hands. "Boys! Stop! It's always better to talk things out with a full stomach of spaghetti and meatballs!"

That's when Nonni brought out the hose.

This was the best double date ever!

I looked around for Edward. I glanced in the big window to see him inside at the table, playing with a napkin.

I turned around and headed in, not tempted to watch the screaming duo of Jasper and Alec as they were being hosed down by the family matriarch. I was certain there would be a video I could watch later.

I tapped Edward on the shoulder. "Why so glum, chum?"

"Maybe, I should just take you home and I'll head back to my place." He looked so sad.

The hysterically happy Italian clan started to come in and I took Edward's hand. "Is there somewhere quiet we can talk?"

"Nonni's office, I guess."

He led me to a large room that was located across from the kitchen. It was like an indoor flower garden. There were more potted plants than furniture and not only was the wallpaper floral, but so was the upholstery. It made me dizzy.

The most masculine thing in the room was a big oak desk, which I perched on the edge of.

"Ever have desk sex?" I asked.

"What?"

He looked at the desk and the floral explosion that surrounded us. Edward's face was the picture of repulsion.

"Not here! I would _never_ desecrate Nonni's desk that way!" I shuddered. "Another desk, I would. My gallery or..."

"My desk at work?" His eyes finally lit up.

I grinned. "I'll let you work out complex math problems on my body using washable markers. It will be kinky!"

"You are unbelievable," he said this with a huge smile.

"There it is!" I exclaimed. "I've missed your smile tonight."

He came to stand between my legs, which I wrapped around him. "It's hard to be around their family sometimes. They include me in everything, but..."

I wrapped my arms around Edward's neck. "They really did a number to you, didn't they?"

"The Volturi's? They're good people." He looked confused.

"Your parents. The Volturi's are amazing! I love them!" I kissed Edward and played with his hair. Pulling away, I tapped his nose. "I have a theory about families."

"You do? Why am I not surprised?" He teased. My boy was coming out of his sad funk.

"My dad's great, that is without a doubt, but my mom is a different story. I haven't seen her since I was three. It's no big deal..."

He took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. "It is a big deal. A huge deal. You are the kind of woman everyone needs in their life and if they don't realize it then they're a damn fool!"

"Don't make me cry," I sniffed, as he wiped my eyes. "I realized I could cry over her, but I have so many people in this world who care for me. My dad, Alice, Billy, Emmett and even Jasper became my dysfunctional family. The Volturi became yours. I became yours, because I consider you one of my family. Family isn't blood. It's heart and you have so many hearts that find you to be a wonderful man."

"I'm your family?" He looked at me with wide eyes.

I felt uncharacteristically embarrassed. "If you want."

I looked at my knees and he lifted my face. "I want nothing more."

We started making out on Nonni's desk like naughty teenagers. There was a lot of groping over our clothing.

"Children! I have pastries!" Nonni burst in and gave a hearty guffaw. "Do I need to bring the hose in here?"

We looked at her in red faced embarrassment.

"Nonni... I... I..." Edward stammered.

"It's about time, sweet boy!" She winked at us. "I remember the days that my Mario would eat pastries off my naked body on that desk."

Wow!

She put the tray down next to us.

"Feel free, children." Nonni patted the desk top. "It's very sturdy."

Edward looked horrified and I laughed.

"Maybe we should take these pastries to go?" He suggested.

"Sure." I guess our night was over.

He grasped my waist tightly and whispered, "You don't mind crumbs in your bed, do you?"

Not at all!


	24. Chapter 24

**AN: I just wanted to give you a heads up in case you haven't noticed. This isn't edited, so it is the picture of imperfection. A lot like me.**

**I do have a beta who I work to the bone, but this story and Grand Slam are her break stories. Will they be edited? Probably. I can load up fixed chapters at any time. You seem to enjoy almost daily updates, so let's keep it going this way. Thanks!**

Chapter 24

"Bella! We're in a museum!" Edward complained.

I kept goosing him.

The guards found me highly amusing, as did the high school students on their field trip. Pretentious gallery goers and Edward did not.

"As an artist, shouldn't you be enjoying the art?" He ran his fingers through his hair. His pretty hair. I sniffed it, because it smelled good. Like musky, boy hair gel.

"Stop!"

Added bonus, it annoyed him. That was adorable!

We were at The Metropolitan Museum of Art and Edward was trying to find out what makes me tick in front of a plethora of Surrealist paintings. He looked overwhelmed.

"This is my play land, dearest Edward!" I spun around. "It's like another home to me! Right, Tony?"

I winked at one of the burly guards standing by the entrance of the galley, all decked out in his uniform. Tony just chuckled. "You might as well as be one of the acquisitions, Miss Bella."

Edward looked skeptically at me. I pinched that ass again. He jumped.

"We're going to get kicked out!"

"You're so cute!" I looked at Tony. "Isn't he the cutest man, Tony?"

"The bees knees, Miss Bella." Tony always humored me.

"We aren't going to get in trouble! Relax!" I pulled Edward toward a canvas with a couple created out of abstract lines and colors. "What do you think of this?"

"I have no clue." He was getting fidgety. "Let's look at the mummys in the Egyptian wing."

I pulled him down to sit on the bench and wrapped my arms around his waist. "I see us."

"What?" I see unconnected lines and green hair," he stated with his face twisted in concentration.

"I see two people who have feelings so passionate and intense that it makes them swirly and twirly with colorful burst of emotions!"

"Oh." Edward pulled me up and took me closer to the painting, his fingers tightly linked with mine. "I don't see that myself."

I was trying to tell him he was important to me. Love important.

"Oh... Okay. They say art is subjective. People can see different things and have different visceral reaction," I stated. I would just have to find another way to tell him.

"I see love not just passionate feelings," Edward's thumb stroked mine. He was staring at my face and not the painting. "It's still damn ugly painting though."

I giggled.

"When I see us, I see love." He moved, so his chest was against my back, his arms wrapped around me and his mouth by my ear. I turned my head and our lips were almost touching. "I hope you see that too."

"All I see when I look at you is love, Edward Cullen. I love you." My mouth brushed against his.

"I love you." He kissed me softly. "The first day I met you I knew, though I find you terrifying."

Giggling, tiny voices were surrounding us. I didn't care in the least.

"Why was I terrifying? I'm not frightening at all." I was pretty certain that he was more appalled by my habit of creating messes out of thin air.

He turned me to face him. His green eyes were teary. "I knew you were going to change my life."

I put my arms around his neck. "You changed mine too."

His lips met mine and it was certainly the best trip to the museum ever!

"She's giving him cooties!" A small boy yelled.

Their was an eruption of giggles from a class of elementary school children. My giggles joined theirs.

I turned to the boy. "He likes my cooties!"

I gave a laughing Edward a peck on the lips.

"I really do," Edward added. "You'll see when your older."

The children's matronly teacher shot us an annoyed look.

"Miss Bella," Tony reprimanded.

I grinned. "We'll be good. Come Edward, let's explore ancient lands full of artistic mysteries. Greek and Roman?"

He nodded. "You are the epitome of sugar, spice and everything nice."

"Why thank you, sir!" I gave a curtsy.

We headed to the gallery containing Greek and Roman statues, swinging our hands. Everything thing felt so light and easy between us.

"Ready to see some nudes, Mr. Cullen?"

He tickled me. "We can do that at my apartment."

"Secret porn stash, Edward?" Exciting! "I want to see!"

He whispered, "Maybe, but I was thinking of something more up close and personal."

More exciting!

"I'm a bad influence on you." I started staring at a nude statue. I had a feeling he didn't like being ignored.

I felt his lips on my neck. "Thank god for that."

This was my favorite side to him. "You certainly changed your tune, since we got here."

"What can I say? I guess you bring out the frisky little boy in me." He turned me to face him. "How about we come back another day? I need some Bella one one one."

"A kiss first in front of an ancient god?" I nodded in the direction of a bust of Zeus.

We started making out in front of all the visitors in these hallowed halls of ancient artistic artifacts.

"Andre, you really need to get a handle on the actions of the patrons of this institution. Carlisle, we must speak to the rest of the board members about making sure the guards are held accountable for not making sure the behavior is appropriate."

What a stick in the mud!

That's when Edward pulled me close and held me tightly.

"I...I...I...I can't breathe!" I really couldn't, because he was cutting off the precious air that brings me life.

"Edward? Son, what are you doing?" A peeked over to see a stern, blond man glare at my man.

Oh shit, it was the daddy.

Mommy didn't seem much nicer with her hair wrapped in a tight bun and a scowl on her lips. She need a chill pill, ASAP.

"Mother and Father, what are you doing in New York?" Edward's voice was so high pitched that I was certain dogs were wincing from miles away as his voice pierced his ear drums.

"We have obligations in the city, Edward," The woman replied. "Like the obligations you have at your job that you decided to slum at."

Whoa! Accounting is slumming? That is an incredibly difficult and seductive job. Momma Cullen and I are going to have a mighty rumble in the New York jungle.

"Hi, I'm Isabella Swan! You must be the parents of my Edward here!" I shook their hands. Their faces were in shock. "That delightful Aro gave my Edward the day off for a mental vacation. It's that just the best?"

"Umm... Bella, let me introduce you to Dr. Esme Platt and Dr. Carlisle Cullen." Edward looked ready to faint.

I gave them the once over, as they both looked at me in disgust. Obviously, my _Wizard of Oz_ striped tights weren't appropriate enough for them. Dressed in suits on a hot summer day they must be keeping cool with the ice in their veins. No wonder, my sweet Edward was frightened of almost everything. These emotional icebergs made him scared of kittens for god's sale!

No one would say I'm the competitive type. Until now, because there was no stinking way they were going to to make my guy feel bad again.

"Who are you to my son?" Esme sneered.

"The wind beneath his wings, Mama." I gave her the wink. "I'm his lady! We should definitely all go out for chow some night. I know an Indian restaurant that's the tops! It makes repeat appearances, but sure tastes great going down. Super meeting you both, but we have to roll out. Your son needs a proper and through fucking. He looks stressed. Wave by to mommy and daddy, lover."

I pulled him away, as he called out, "Bye."

"What did you do?" He was trying to turn back. "They are going to kill me!"

"They would have to become some meaner inmate's bitch in the big house if they do! There isn't any escargot in jail either, so I think you're safe from death by disapproval." I took his shoulders and turned him to look at me. "We are going to get a tub of strawberry ice cream, because it's your favorite. Then we are going to hide from Mommy and Daddy Dearest at my place. I will distract you with sexual positions using ice cream. You'll love it!"

"They'll never let us be together!" He was in a panic spiral.

"Are you an adult?" I grabbed his face. He nodded. "Do you love me?"

"With everything I have!"

I tweaked his nose. "Then man up and get ready to shag me like in a seventies porno!"

He blushed and laughed.

"You control your destiny, Edward!" I hugged him. "Not to mention, have you met me? I can win anybody over!"

"Thank you, my love!" He kissed my temple.

I'd always have his back, now I just had to find away to thaw out his parents.

I wish they made heaters for human hearts, because it would make my life a whole lot easier. I will just have to use plain old Isabella Swan kick ass.

I looked at Edward who held onto me so tightly. He was worth it.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

"You said what?" Alice was on the floor giggling hysterically.

She was hiding out in the gallery again. Jasper was on a rampage, because Alec sent her roses. In retaliation, Alice stole all of the lollipops that Jasper used to suck on to calm himself down. That made Jasper hide Alice's street clothes that were in her locker when she was delivering a baby in the hospital that morning. She was now stuck in hospital scrubs until she headed home for the day. They had the most dysfunctional, unrequited love I ever saw.

"I was going to have intercourse with their son." I was going to keep it classy.

I'm pretty certain I made the worst impression ever of a first meeting with a boyfriend's parents.

"I seem to recall your first version of this story used fucking as the description for that intercourse," Jane stated, as she drew pictures of demon Snoopys on her arm.

I grabbed her arm. "Those are kind of beautiful in their demented simplicity."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Nice way to introduce yourself to the future in-laws, Swan," Alice said with a laugh. She stood up with a grin. "How is Edward handling things?"

"Umm..." I grabbed an invoice for a painting I just sold and muttered, "He's hiding at my place."

I had a surprising and unexpected roommate. I wasn't planning on having our relationship progress so quickly. I still hadn't taken him roller skating, but with the reappearance of his fuddy duddy mama and papa, I had no choice. He was scared of them and I had a need to protect him. It was that simple.

Plus, he made an awesome roommate. The man was pathologically neat, though getting more relaxed. He loved cleaning toilets. The inside of my refrigerator was pristine. He didn't mind watching cartoons, because they were all brand new to him. The best part was frequent love making.

"What?" Alice looked at me like I lost my ever lovin' mind. I probably had. Edward Cullen could do that to a girl.

"Just for a bit. Edward just needs to get a new apartment, change his cell phone number, get a secret identity..."

"You can't hide from his parents," Jane pointed out. "They'll find you. Your only hope is to make them miserable and bend them to your chipper will."

"My chipper will is powerful!" I exclaimed gleefully.

"Unfortunately," Jane spat and started to draw again. I was pretty sure I saw a hint of a smile. She loved my chipper, but she just refused to admit it. Silly Jane!

Emmett rushed in. "Ali girl, can you please hump grumpy on an exam table and give us all some relief? He's driving me fucking batty. He was criticizing the way I was putting on my rubber gloves! I went to medical school!"

"Surprising," Jane stated, as she looked Emmett up and down.

Alice glared at Emmett. "I'm dating Alec!"

"Has seen the boobies?" Emmett asked, leaning on the desk and pointing to Alice's chest with a grin.

Crossing her arms across her breasts, Alice looked down. "No."

Emmett jumped up and down. "I knew it! You are so into Jasper, you can't possibly imagine a life without him. That my girl, is why Volturi hasn't seen the promise land!"

I had to agree.

Alice pouted and had to admit, "Maybe."

I grabbed her hand. "You need a love intervention, Ali! We need to sit down and explore your love options..."

"Love options? Are you talking about how our souls are destined to become one, Bella?" I turned quickly to see Garrett behind me. His fingers were playing with my hair.

How did that sneak get in here? Was he a spirit? A ghostly annoyance? He was wearing a tunic and leggings, so it was entirely possible.

"I have a boyfriend, Garrett." He made me want to drink. Heavily.

Garrett bowed down to me. "Namaste, Bella!"

What?

"I was teasing about our joined souls." Liar. He took my hand and continued, "I understand about your lover and I want to extend an olive branch."

"Done! Extended! Bye-bye!" I waved at him. "Jane? Help please!"

"Namaste, Bitch!" Jane shot him the finger.

What the hell does that mean? Crazy yoga terms.

Garrett ignored Jane. "I wanted to invite you and your lover to come to my tantric heated yoga class. It will be a relationship revelation."

Must find a way out... Hmm... A manicure? I had to go buy peanuts at the grocery store? Teaching my dad how to navigate homosexual dance clubs?

"I don't think..." I started to say, as Edward rushed into the gallery.

"They found me! At work! They want us to go to dinner with them on Friday!" Edward grabbed my shoulders. "Kiss me!"

I did and I held him. "All better?"

Wait? Who? I got distracted by the kissing!

"Those are some magical lips," Edward stated and tightened his grip, so my face was buried in his chest. "I told my parents we would meet them at seven."

"What?" My voice was muffled in his chest. His parents? Oh shiitake mushrooms!

Garrett tapped Edward on the shoulder. "I had just extended an invitation to Bella to bring you to my special yoga class. You seem to be stressed."

"You again?" Edward pulled me even closer.

I beat on his chest. "Can't breathe!"

Edward pulled away slightly, so I could move my head and get precious air.

"Are you wearing women's sandals?" Edward asked looking at Garrett's footwear.

They were gold sandals decorated with green stones. Emmett and Alice started giggling.

"Does it center you? Help you find your inner spirit guide?" Alice scoffed.

"I have the eye of the tiger," Garrett stated. "These are mystical gems from the orient."

The were actually pieces of plastic on a pair of twelve dollar sandals from Target. I almost bought them myself, but put them back due to their ugliness.

Jane was cracking up. "Damn hippy."

"Let's go, Bella!" Emmett grinned. "Rosie and Ed here are in need of an emotional chill out!"

Alice grabbed Emmett's arm. "The enemy!"

"Ali girl, it's all good! He's not birthing my baby with chanting! It's yoga and I get to see my lady wearing tight, stretchy pants!" Emmett looked at Edward. "Think about it, dude! Bella in tight pants getting all hot and sweaty. She bends so slow..."

Edward kissed my neck. "Yes, please! We'll go!"

"Oh sweet Krishna!" Garrett exclaimed grabbing his tunic, looking at me. Yuck.

"Men are so dumb!" Jane complained.

We were going to some weird yoga with Garrett? I asked, "When?"

"Tomorrow!" Garrett looked excited.

Edward whispered in my ear. "I want to see you sweaty and bending for me."

"We can do that in the bedroom, Edward! Where Garrett isn't watching!" I complained.

I glared at Emmett. This was all his fault.

He was oblivious. "This is going to be awesome! Rosie will be psyched! Not at first, obviously, but we'll work our way there!"

I was pondering how Emmett would manage that when Jasper burst in, with a bouquet of carnations. He tossed them at Alice. "These are for you. I'm wooing you. See you upstairs."

He left immediately.

Alice looked at the flowers and then looked at Jasper retreating back to their office. "That's so romantic!"

Umm...okay.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

It was hotter than Hades in the little yoga studio that was connected to Garrett's examining rooms.

I was already sweating and only been inside for a minute.

The Women's Eternal Light OBGYN medical office was a small building surrounded by high rises that seemed like an ordinary office building on the outside, but inside it was an ode to India. Bright colored silks covered the walls and illustrated images from the karma sutra hung on the walls. Which makes me wonder if Garrett thinks it will get the not pregnant patients the mood to breed? Emmett had been staring at them. Maybe, he thought it would be a good business idea too? I take that back. The way he's been looking at Rosalie, I'm guessing inspiration.

I sneezed. The place reeked of patchouli. I think I was allergic.

Stripping down to a sport's bra and yoga pants, I turned to see Edward rush in wearing khaki shorts and a polo shirt. He stopped in front of me and looked at me with dark eyes. "You're already sweaty."

His finger trailed down my neck. I squeaked, "It's hotter and stickier than the rainforest in here. I keep looking for snakes and monkeys crawling around this place."

"I have a snake in my pants and you're my little monkey," he stated and licked my ear.

I created a monster and I loved it.

Jumping on him and wrapping my legs around Edward's waist I kissed him. I was his little monkey and I did love his snake!

I pulled away and looked at his outfit. "Why are you dressed to go to a barbecue in the suburbs?"

"I wanted to look nice for our date." He smiled at me. He was adorable.

I nuzzled my nose in his neck. "I look like a sweaty mess."

"You're a beautiful sweaty mess."

I latched onto him again. He was going to have trouble breathing when I was through.

Emmett pulled me off of Edward. "Thanks for the show, kiddies. Let's save it for the yoga, shall we."

I glared at him and whispered, "You just want to do it to, Miss Rosie."  
"Damn straight, Bells. I need to take it slow with her though. She's a nervous little filly." He motioned towards her with his head. Rosalie was standing by a wall looking miserable in an oversized tee-shirt and basketball shorts. Poor thing.

"Want me to talk to her?"

He smiled. "Yes, please! I'm going to try and discreetly make sure all these pregnant ladies in here are hydrated. Garrett is going insane on the weed if he thinks this is a good place for some of them to be. It has to be ninety in here!"

"Edward, could you help Em? I'm going to check on Rosalie." I gave him a wink.

Edward just kissed my head and headed off with Emmett, as I found myself next to Rosalie.

"This should be fun!" I tried to stay positive.

She just gave me an incredulous look.

Okay, then.

"You like being an accountant?"

She just shrugged.

"Do you like porn? I find it invigorating," I stated.

"What?" She asked in shock.

That was the ticket!

"I'm teasing! I think we should try to coexist in harmony. I know you don't like me, but Emmett's my friend and I love Ed..."

She looked at me like I was crazy. "I like you!"

"Really? It seems..."

"You scare me," she squeaked. "You always have a smile and go with the flow. You and Alice are too cool to be friends with someone like me! I'm awkward and shy. Emmett is going to realize this and dump me!"

She looked teary eyed. That wouldn't do!

"You scare me!" I exclaimed. "You're so beautiful and poised! I wish I could be like that!"

"Really?" She smiled a huge smile. Rosalie Hale was stunning.

That's when she hugged me hard. Our sweat was mixing.

"We're friends?" She asked.

"Absolutely!" More with the hugging. I looked over to Emmett and Edward who were passing out water. They were grinning at us.

I was filled with warm fuzzies, but that lasted only for a moment. It changed over to hysterical giggling, as Garrett strolled into the room wearing a tie-dyed speedo and wooden beads around his neck. He needed to pack that package to make it look bigger. He might have been better off with regular swim trunks.

I went to stand by Edward on our mat and he muttered, "Is he serious?"

"Yup!" I laughed again. It was so funny.

"Everyone to the mats with their partners, please! Bella, come up here! I need a helper."

Oh shit! Edward was fuming.

"I don't know what I'm doing, Garrett! Pick somebody else!" I looked for someone to save me and Edward grabbed my hips tightly.

"That's fine, Bella goddess! It will be a teaching moment!" Garrett pulled me away from Edward and pushed me down so my hands were on the floor and my butt in the air. I felt his hands on my ass and something hard pushing against me. Granted it was small, but still felt like a small stone hitting my backside. "Now everybody, I need you to get your partner in the downward dog position and move your body to..."

"Hold up there!" Edward yelled. I looked upward to see him pull off his shirt. A pregnant woman next to him groaned. He pulled down his shorts to reveal black boxer briefs that needed no extra padding. He was amazing! "You're doing it wrong!"

He stalked over to us and pushed Garrett out of the way forcibly. Grabbing my hips, Edward rocked into me and kissed down my spine. Good Lordy, this was sensual. Rocking back and forth into me with kissing and caressing. A lick on my neck. Sweet goodness! I needed to get him home or at least in a bathroom for some release.

I glanced up and Emmett was mimicking Edward. Rosalie was a panting mess.

Actually all the couples there were following my Edward's lead! This was the perfect example of tantric yoga. Yowza!

Garrett was pissed. "Listen here..."

A woman cried out, "Oh no! My water broke!"

Garrett was still throwing a hissy fit, so Emmett rushed into action. "Have you been having contractions?"

"All day!" She cried. "Dr. G said I could control them until tomorrow with chanting and tonight's yoga! Oww!"

"Damn it, Garrett!" Emmett dived into action. Garrett was being yelled at by the woman's husband, while Emmett worked to deliver the infant.

He threw out commands to call an ambulance, gather towels and fill bowls with water. He was like poetry in motion.

I noticed a swooning Rosalie. How lovely!

Soon a little girl was making her entrance in the world. It was beautiful!

I felt Edward's hand in mine. He said gently, "I want that, but I'm broken."

I turned to him and took his face in my hands. "A little bent, lover, not broken. We all are, in this crazy world. We will make beauty together."

He kissed me, as the baby gave a hearty cry.

I was going to give Edward Cullen the world.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

The restaurant was one of the newer places to be seen in the city. The type of restaurant that made society girls want to drink directly from a bottle of wine and dance in the pretentious fountain. It was a Paris Hilton hot spot and I looked in confusion at Edward. "You're parents picked this place?"

"Yes, but I don't get it." He was as confused as I was. "They're more of a Rainbow Room or Le Cirque type couple."

Exclaim, was the newest creation from some hot shot celebrity chef that earned acclaim on a reality television show. Looking at the plates of the clientele, the cuisine looked like overpriced versions of fast food.

"They probably think this is the type of hot dog stand a girl like me would want to eat at," I pondered. "Little do Mama and Papa know, I actually would prefer an actual hot dog stand."

Edward's worried face relaxed. I had that effect on him.

I took his hand. "Are you happy? With me?"

"Of course!" He looked upset.

Rubbing his sad face, I said, "Simmer down. You have a mountain to climb to get your parents to accept your life. Sometimes the only thing you can do is take a deep breath and not care what they think. The Edward Cullen I know is an amazing man who is brilliant, compassionate and the loveliest person I ever met. Remember that and you'll be good."

"They're going to drive you away from me."

"Stop! They'd have to pull me away, while I'm kicking and screaming. I still won't go away and cling to you like lichen."

"You're a weird and fantastic girl." Edward pulled me past the hostess, as he dismissed her with a wave of his hand. "We see our party over there. Cullen. Make sure that the bill is given to me and not the other gentleman at the table."

The Edward at restaurants was a smug and intimidating creature. Waitresses that normally swoon at him, seemed to shirk away in fear. It was an odd occurrence that I thought he had stopped doing, but tonight it was back in force.

"Bossy pants, what's up with that?" I pulled him to a stop. "It's a hard job waiting tables and even harder when the customers are being assholes. Cut it out!"

"You're right! I'm so sorry," he apologized, looking embarrassed. We continued towards the table. "My dad is here and it makes me on edge. I'm acting like him and... Why is she here?"

I looked towards the table and next to the somber Mama and Papa Cullen was a beauty right out of the country club. Her sleek brown hair pulled back by a headband. She was wearing a cotton candy pink sweater set. She was my polar opposite.

I had a feeling my vintage cocktail dress was not going to be a hit. My polka dotted tights would be the nail in my fashion coffin for those fun deprived parental units.

Oh well!

"Ex-girlfriend?" I asked.

That would be my cliched guess.

Edward looked at me his face filled with concern. "Angela was never my girlfriend. Our parents are friendly and I think they would have liked it if we dated. She's a surgeon."

Oh goody, a different cliche! I wonder if I was secretly in a romantic comedy? A really good one that wouldn't be a blockbuster, but would be treasured viewing for high school girls during their slumber parties for decades.

"Do I look more like a Sandra Bullock or a Drew Barrymore?"

"What? Umm..." He was trying to figure me out again. Edward didn't get a chance to work out this Bella puzzle, because we had reached the table.

I was being blasted by death beams from Esme and Carlisle's eyes. That Angela chick just looked tired.

I had to make a decision to make. I could tell them off and drag Edward away to safety or I could kill their grumpy dispositions with kindness. The second idea was going to be oodles of more fun!

"Mother. Father. Hello..." Edward looked nervous. He was shaking slightly. That would never do!

I grabbed Esme and hugged her tight. She gasped and tried to slip away, but I was like a barnacle. "Hi ya, Mom! Sorry about our first meet and greet. I have this little issue with saying what's on my mind."

"You seem to have boundary issues as well," Esme pointed out drily.

I grinned and patted her cheek. "That's very true! You'll get used to it by the time of the wedding!"

"What?" She was panicked.

Hilarious!

Next, I hugged the shocked Carlisle. "Miss Swan... I..."

"Call me Bella, Dad! We're going to be family!"

I pulled my camera out and pulled Carlisle's face up to mine. I held it out to take a picture. "I like to capture memories for the babies!"

"What? You aren't pregnant, are you?" He asked worriedly.

"Nope! You just need to make sure you're ready when it happens." I smiled at him. "I would feel remiss if I didn't have some picture for your future grand babies to see our first dinner as a family."

Carlisle was looking pale and my Edward was slightly in shock. I grabbed his hand and he smiled at me. This was going to be good for him!

I grabbed Angela's hand. "Nice to meet you, Dr. Angela!"

"Umm... Hello?"

"Bella Swan, lady love of Edward! It's very nice to meet you!" I smiled and pulled her in for a hug as well. "What the hell! I think we are going to be amazing friends!"

That's when my Edward started giggling like a mental patient. His parents looked at him liked they thought he lost his mind.

"Maybe we should be seated," Angela suggested.

That we did with Edward still chuckling. My man had lost his marbles. Truthfully, it was a long time coming with having these grumpy gooses as caregivers.

"Did you give him drugs?" Esme spat.

It was bound to happen. Her control freak was coming unhinged.

"If you are asking if he's high on my love then yes." I winked at her. I pointed at the waitress. "Hi! We need vodka on the rocks for the table. You can probably already tell that this table needs the hard stuff. Also, give me the check after dinner."

Edward stopped laughing. "Bella..."

"Miss Swan, you couldn't possibly afford this place," Carlisle scoffed.

"I must disagree, Pops! I have a very lucrative gallery and sell my original works for oodles of cash." I rubbed Edward's upper thigh. He liked that very much. "Not to mention, I know the very best accountant in the world! Very best accountant, would you like the steak?"

Carlisle's mouth would be catching flies if there were any flying about and Mama Esme wanted me buried next to the Interstate.

"Edward doesn't eat red meat. He'll have the tuna," she declared.

He hated tuna. Esme was making a power play.

"He's a grown man. I think he can make his own decisions." I stared into her eyes. No fear.

"For god's sake, he became an accountant! He can't make good decisions! Look at yourself! You're an awful decision!" She threw her hands up in exasperation. "We had primed him to be a brain surgeon and a nice girl picked out as his bride!"

"Umm... No," Angela disagreed.

Edward threw his napkin on his plate. "I love being an accountant, Mother! I love Bella even more!"

"I love him and the way he works those numbers," I cheekily added.

Edward tickled me.

Carlisle pounded the table. "We didn't raise you to..."

"Have a mind of his own? You can't even see the amazing person your son is! That is the saddest thing I have ever heard! I thought my mother is bad. I don't even know her, but at least I don't have her hanging around making me miserable! I do have a father that loves me and supports me unconditionally. I'm a lucky girl!"

"Wow," Angela blurted out. I could work with this one.

"We love our son, Miss Swan!" Carlisle said. His face was red with anger.

"I believe that, but you need to show that by not being assholes!" I thought strong language would work best.

"Bella, I think cheeseburgers, fries and beer at Ben's bar would be a fabulous dinner," Edward stated looking at his parents with a strong expression. He was angry and beautiful!

"Angela, will you join us?" I asked. "Ben is the greatest guy and..."

"Oh yes! I love beer! Do they have nachos?" She looked overjoyed at the invitation.

I was pleasantly surprised!

"Are you coming, Mom and Dad?" Edward asked. He was daring them.

"Of course not! Edward, stop rebelling and..." Esme tried to take his hand, but he moved away swiftly,

"Your loss." He started to move to the door.

I threw some cash on the table. "For the vodka. Listen, he loves you control freaks, but you're going to lose him. I'm taking him to a Yankees game on Saturday. I'll leave tickets for you both at the box office. It's your decision now."

I didn't want him to regret losing his parents, so I was going to give them a shot to do the right thing.

Angela waved at the Cullen's. "Have a good night!"

We caught up to Edward. "Are you okay?"

He smiled a little. "I will be with you. You and beer."

"So is this Ben cute?" Angela asked.

"You'll love him!"

I do love playing matchmaker!


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28 (EPOV)

Angela was dancing on a table with the bartender.

I rubbed my eyes. Was I drunk and imagining things?

We grew up together, Angela and I. She was my only friend, because she was carefully approved by my parents. Our playdates consisted of reading, working on math problems and playing doctor. This wasn't a euphemism for exploring our sexuality. It was actual practice on mannequins that our fathers would watch and take notes on. Afterwards, we were allowed a cup of orange juice as they critiqued our techniques. It was nerve wracking and why I became an accountant. Numbers were comfort.

My shy friend was now kissing the bartender. I think she was choking him with her tongue.

"Let's join Ben and Angela!" Bella exclaimed, doing her happy bounce clap on my lap. That felt nice, but the idea of dancing on a table not so much.

"I don't think so, Sweetheart."

She grabbed my face. "It will relax you, my sweet babboo!"

"Sweet baboon? Babboo?" I loved this girl, but it she spoke like a crazy person most of the time.

"What Sally calls Linus on _Charlie Brown_!" Her face got pouty. "Your parents have many things to answer for! We shall have a cartoon watching marathon, because my love, you have a lot to learn."

I did. It was very apparent as I sat on the old 1950's diner chairs in this bar that felt more like Al's from _Happy Days_ then a seedy bar. There was even a jukebox.

"I wish I was cool like Fonzie. He would dance on a table with you," I blurted out. "I'm more of a boring Ritchie Cunningham."

Bella immediately straddled me. "Babe, you know _Happy Days_! Sweet googly mooglies! We are destined to be! How were you ever allowed that joy?"

"Nanny would let me watch it with her. She always had the best old shows on. _Mr. Ed_ and _MASH_ were also good, but _Happy Days_ was my favorite. Nanny snuck me popcorn."

She kissed me with a grin. "I have a plan."

"Oh no! Are you going to get us arrested?" This was always a concern.

"No! Not all of my plans end up disastrous! It's Riley's fault for being a stupid, stick in the mud creeper! Turn a guy down for a date one time..." She played with my hair.

"What?"

She pulled my hair so it was sticking up. "It was eons ago, Edward. No worries. Anyway, somebody has a birthday coming up! Why didn't you tell me?"

"How did you find out?"

It was next week.

"I read your license!" She admitted with a grin. "Next time smile in your picture. Angela! Edward's birthday?"

Angela pulled her lips off the bartender and he helped her off the table. "It's coming up! The Cullen family never had a birthday party that I've been to."

Of course, she hadn't. My birthdays consisted of dreaded salmon for dinner, a candle on a creme brûlée and a new button down shirt.

"I don't like birthday parties," I stated, so they wouldn't keep talking about it.

"You'll love a Bella Swan birthday bash! Angela, are you in?" Bella bounced harder on my lap. I was getting excited.

"Let's make it a surprise!" Angela loudly yelled. A drunk Angela was very verbose. She threw her arms around the bartender's neck. "Bennie, will you be my date?"

"Angie, will you be my gal?" The bartender kissed her neck making Angela her laugh. He had a Mohawk and lots of tattoos. I thought my parents were annoyed, but wait until the Webers meet Angela's new guy.

Bella jumped up and ran to the jukebox. I watched her tap her foot, as she looked at the selections. She was beautiful.

All of a sudden, she started beaming. Bella tapped a button and an Elvis Presley song I never heard before came on.

Running over Bella threw her arms around me and started swaying. She held me tight and said, "Love me tender, honey! Uh huh!"

It was the worst Elvis impression, but it was perfect to me.

I was starting to feel the music or at least the alcohol Bella was making me drink, when arguing interrupted our romantic dance.

"I loved how you assumed that we were going Dutch, Brandon!" Jasper Whitlock complained.

"I assumed I was paying, Whitlock!" Alice retorted. "You're such a stingy, pain in the ass!"

Jasper threw his hands up in the air. "I was going to pay! This is me with the wooing!"

I looked at Bella. "Did you know they had a date?"

"She was complaining that Alec had a date with some accountant chick named Tanya." Bella shrugged and watched the bickering couple as they fought their way to a booth.

Tanya was my ex. She was a terrible person and Alec hated her. What was he up to?

I didn't want Bella to ever meet that horrible woman. She was my attempt to get my parent's acceptance and it backfired horribly.

Bella looked at them solemnly. "I think Alice works better with Jasper. They challenge each other."

Alice and Jasper started kissing. I was surprised they weren't getting naked.

Angela, on the other hand, was waving her shirt in the air and Ben was singing to her.

"Isn't it wonderful seeing our friends getting amorous?" Bella hip checked me. "I have an idea."

"Really?" I was scared and turned on.

"Ben has a mighty clean restroom with a lock. I can latch on like a monkey."

Oh god.

She whispered in my ear, "Fancy going at it standing up?"

Two minutes later, Bella's legs were wrapped around my waist and my mouth was sucking at her neck.

It was amazing how this was quickly becoming one of the best nights I ever had. It was all because of my Bella!


	29. Chapter 29

**AN: Summer vacation time...**

Chapter 29

Baseball day! Baseball day!

It made me bouncy. It seemed to make Edward paranoid.

"What if someone has the bubonic plague?" Edward questioned, as he we headed to our seats. "I brought masks for everyone."

He pulled medical masks out of his backpack.

"Put those things away, boy!" My dad pushed the masks back in the bag. "Does he always do things like this?"

I kissed Edward's cheek. Actually, I fell into it. I was pushed by someone in the crowd and my lips met his cheek. I righted myself. "He's working on it, Daddy. He's doing a marvelous job."

"Uh huh. Come on, Billy." My dad motioned to his beloved. I brought them as a Cullen buffer. They had to be more tolerable with my gay dad and his gent around.

Edward clutched my hand tightly, "Sweetheart, there are people everywhere!"

Umm, yes.

It was the height of baseball season. The air was muggy with thick humidity. The heated tensions between Yankees and Red Sock fans was making tempers flare. The walkways to the seats were packed with all types of people from preppy families taking their squealing, little ones to their first game to tattooed rockers clutching worn baseball gloves. The lines to the bathrooms were long and the smell of freshly sprayed urine was a pretty good indication that not everyone had patience.

That's when I saw the hot dog vendor. Oh happy day!

"Wiener!" I grabbed his face. "I need some authentic New York wiener!"

"Bella, shouldn't we wait to do that at home?" He looked confused for some reason.

I was the one who was confused.

"What _are_ you talking about?"

He wrinkles his brow. "What _are_ you talking about?"

"The hot dogs they're selling over there. You?"

He turned as red as a fire truck. He choked out, "My penis."

Hee hee!

"That's awesome!" I was pushed into his chest by another baseball fan. "Hey there, sailor."

He tightened his hands on my waist. "Does it surprise you? You always have creative ideas about sex."

"I do. I'm a kinky girl." I kissed him. "Now that you got me started thinking about hotdogs, baseballs and using them to get freaky in dugouts..."

"Edward?" We turned to find his parents staring at us with tight lipped disappointment. At least they're consistent.

I decided to hug them. Hard.

I ignored their noses wrinkling up in disgust. I decided that it wasn't that they didn't like me it was because, even with deodorant, I was smelling pretty ripe. The stadium was hot, it was crowded, and the amount of sweat dripping off everyone made it smell like rotting meat.

I really wanted a hot dog!

"Mother. Father," Edward greeted his parents.

Esme took one look at her son and blurted out, "What in the world are you wearing, Edward?"

"The perfect clothing for a baseball game, Mother. It's hot today. I hope you're ready to sweat, because your attire is not appropriate for the venue." Oh snap! I liked my man sassy.

Edward was correct. He was wearing the perfect outfit. I picked it out. A pair of cargo shorts and a tee-shirt that read, Math Equations are for Lovers.

It looked a hell of a lot cooler than the matching button downs and khaki pants that Esme and Carlisle were wearing. They had matching fanny packs. This did not compute.

"Why do you have fanny packs?" They looked like clueless Americans on a European vacation. I imagined Chevy Chase running up and the trio getting into a series of misadventures.

I really needed to watch _The National Lampoon_ movies again. They were classics!

Carlisle looked at me in confusion. "The man at the sporting goods store said they were essential for urban travel."

"Afraid the gypsies are going to pick your pockets?" I questioned. They both looked at me like I was an odd duck. It wasn't worth it. "They're...umm... Nice?"

Edward held me by the waist. He looked at his parents with a frown. "Bella's dad and Billy are waiting for us. Please don't embarrass me. I consider them family."

That was the most romantic thing I had ever heard! I kissed him.

His parents made uncomfortable noises behind us.

We ignored them.

We pushed through the crowds to my father who had already got beers and hot dogs. He handed me a beer to Edward. "You look like you need this, boy. Those lines were crazy, so I thought I would grab some supplies when the vendors passed by. I got you a giant pretzel, Bella."

I leaned down to pull my dad to me for a hug. This was our special tradition. After my mom headed for parts unknown, my dad started taking me to Yankee games at the old stadium. I would sit on his lap and he would teach me about all the ins and outs of the game. We would discuss player statistics and batting averages. The best part, the absolutely greatest, was that Dad would buy a giant pretzel for his girl. It made me feel special and truly loved.

"I love you, Daddy!" I hugged him tighter.

"I know, Bells. I love you." He kissed my head. Pulling away, Dad looked closely at Esme and Carlisle. "You must be the parents that made Edward an emotional infant."

"Daddy!" I punched him in the shoulder.

Carlisle stammered, "Why... Why... I... Never..."

Edward chuckled behind his hand.

"Sit your ass down and pull the stick out of it before you do. Carlisle, right? Esme?" Carlisle nodded and sat down in shock. Esme looked offended, still standing. "You sit too, lady! Listen here, your son is a good kid. He seems to be messed up, because of you idiots. Quit it. If you treat my girl like trash again, I will bring the Charles Swan thunder on your asses. This conversation is now over. You will behave. Anyway, I'm Charlie and this is my significant other, Billy."

Billy gave a wave and took Charlie's hand. "Hello."

Carlisle and Esme stared at them. Esme was gripping the plastic chair. She looked constipated.

Edward whispered to me, "What just happened?"

"That was some Charles Swan awesomeness." I said as I leaned on Edward's shoulder. "Why did you think I brought my dad?"

"That was inspired." He kissed my hand.

I went into Edward's backpack and pulled out two Yankee's hats, one of which was pink. "These are my gifts to the both of you, Esme and Carlisle."

I handed them to Esme and Carlisle with a grin.

"What are these?" Esme asked, trying not to wrinkle her nose at me. She eyed my dad warily.

"It's really sunny out here and I thought you might want to keep your heads covered." I shrugged and added, "I also wanted to thank you for coming. It's important to Edward and he's important to me."

They stared at me and I felt like I was under a microscope.

"Put on the damn hats!" My dad barked.

Billy patted my knee, as the teams ran out to the field. "That was very sweet, Bella. You're a good girl."

I watched in amazement as Esme and Carlisle put on their hats. It didn't appear that they were doing it out of fear of my father. Carlisle gave me a small smile.

The crowd roared as the first batter took to the mound. It was like they were cheering for the possibility of Edward having a positive relationship with his parents.

It was a turning point it seemed.

I caught Carlisle cheering at a home run. It was for the wrong team, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Dad helped by explaining the game to him.

Esme was drinking a beer that Billy bought her.

Edward was smiling and yelling at the umpire.

It was amazing! It was brilliant!

We were having a great time and I had just put my hot dog to my mouth to take a bite, when a voice came over the speakers, "We have a special announcement..."

I was deep throating a hot dog on the giant screen. Oh shit!

What was it with me and hot dogs?

_Billie, will you marry me? Love, Charlie_ was written under my head.

I dropped the hot dog and pulled my dad and Billy in front of me and yelled, "It's these two!"

I sat in Edward's lap and watched my dad place a ring on Billy's finger. They kissed in front of all of Yankee Stadium and those watching the game on ESPN.

Edward's parents watched in shock.

I kissed Edward in happiness.

He whispered, "That will be us someday."

Yes, but today was about my dad and Billy.

I jumped up with a fist pump. "I'm going to have two dads!"


	30. Chapter 30

**AN: Enjoy.**

Chapter 30

"Ben, this is going to be the best birthday party in all the land!" I jumped up and down. He gave me a thumbs up and continued to set up the hamburger and fries buffet.

I was so giddy I was twirling around Ben's bar. It was festive and I was thrilled. We had balloons of ruby reds, sea blues and sunflower yellows with streamers that matched. They twisted and turned around the walls in a dizzying array of brightness that would be a shining example of the importance of Edward.

It was very reminiscent of a child's birthday extravaganza, but without clowns. I should have know he would have an unnatural fear of those ghastly white faced monsters. I probably shouldn't have made him watch the mini series of Stephen King's _It_.

My inspiration wasn't only all the children's parties that Edward missed out of when he was young, but also the things that he loved like _Happy Days_. I was giving him a 1950's Sock Hop.

I couldn't help grinning at the band setting up in the corner. Buddy Holly was tuning his guitar. Elvis was wiggling his hips. James Brown was doing his splits. I watched as the who's who of impersonators were warming up to perform a kick ass show for my man.

Angela grabbed Ben around his waist. She looked fantastic! Her crisp blue Oxford was tied around her waist and her dark jeans were rolled up. Ang's dark hair was held back with a red bandanna. She exclaimed, "This is going to knock Edward's socks off!"

"I like the look, Angela!" I gave her two thumbs up.

"Eh! That's my move!" Ben joked, flashing the thumbs up back at me. He was the epitome of a leather jacket wearing 50's Greaser.

I was so very lucky to have such wonderful friends.

"I love the poodle skirt!" Angela announced, as I flipped it around. I looked the picture of school girl going to the malt shop with the ribbon tied ponytail. I could imagine Edward pulling it as he ravaged me in the Studebaker I rented for the occasion. They have huge backseats.

"Easy access." I gave an extra skirt flip.

"You're one dirty birdy." There was a tap on my shoulder. I turned and screamed. It was frightening.

It was Jane.

She wore a ripped, black tee-shirt that had an image of a British flag with a bloody knife through it paired with a red leather skirt and fishnet stockings. Jane slightly resembled a raccoon with her black lined eyes. Her mohawk was green. She was mesmerizing.

Someone ignored the memo about this being a period theme party.

"Janey, Sid Viscous called looking to get the Sex Pistols back together." I poked her safety pin necklace. "Punk rock invasion at doo wop central? Could you have least done the greaser look with Ben?"

"No. I make my own theme." Jane gave a two tall man salute. She pointed to a pacing Alice. "Dr. No _Sex in the City_ is having a panic attack."

Alice was a blur in red with white polka dots, as she went back and forth mumbling to herself. A red poppy was pinned to her dark curls.

"She looks very _Wet Side Story_!" I eyed her in appreciation. Alice could always be counted on to have party spirit!

"Swan! She's upset, because Dr. Anger Management isn't here complaining at her and making her horny." Jane wagged her finger in my face. Hey now! "Where's Alec?"

Did she sound wistful? Oh my god!

"You like him?" I screeched. It was reminiscent of the howler monkey. Everyone turned to look at us. Whoops!

Jane grabbed my ear. "Shut up, Swan!"

Ouch! That hurts!

"Do you want to kiss his preppy little Ralph Lauren button downs? I bet he reads GQ to learn how to style his hair. Maybe, you need to pull a Kate Middleton and..."

I loved to give Jane a hard time. It was fun!

Ouch! She tugged my ear hard. Maybe, it wasn't that much fun.

"Go talk to Ali, the quack. I need beer." Jane huffed over to the bar.

I bet she was dreaming of naked Alec on a bear skin rug listening to her angry Marilyn Manson screaming rock. Kinky!

"Alice, darling friend of mine, stop tiring yourself out. I need you to be ready to do the mashed potato and the twist!" I gave her a little demonstration of my dance moves. I could really cut a rug.

"He didn't show up," she stated looking forlornly at the door. "He was supposed to pick me up and never showed."

I hugged her tightly. "I'm so sorry! Please tell me you called him!"

"No answer." She looked at her feet. "If there was a delivery I would have been paged to the hospital. Emmett had one this morning, but we didn't have any other's scheduled and no emergencies. I've been dumped!"

I had no words to console my poor best friend. Her face was streaked with tears, but that is when the most amazing thing occurred. Jasper rushed in wearing scrubs.

He pulled Alice to him. "What's wrong?"

"Why are you wearing scrubs?" She asked, looking at him in confusion.

He stroked her hair. "There was an emergency on the subway. A man was attacked and I had to treat him on the platform. I didn't have a change of clothes in my locker at the hospital, but I wanted to get here so you would know I didn't stand you up."

Alice kissed him. It was so romantic.

"Thank you," she told him pulling away.

I wanted some romance and like the cosmos heard my cry, Emmett and Rose started pulling in a blindfolded Edward.

"Is the blindfold necessary? I know we're heading to my birthday party!"

I motioned to the band.

They started playing, _It's My Party_ by Leslie Gore. Wrong song! Wrong song! It's Edward's party and I don't want him to cry!

I made slashing movements at my throat.

Aro Volturi started cackling and shouted, "You should have used my Frank Sinatra, pretty Bella!"

The band looked embarrassed. The started playing, _Earth Angel_. That was more appropriate to demonstrate my feelings for my love.

I removed his blindfold. I said nervously, "Hi."

He looked around in wonder. I was worried. Then Edward smiled and it was like the sun shined brightly down on me. "You're amazing!"

He kissed me in front of our friends and cheers erupted.

I pulled away and grabbed a festively wrapped box. "This is for you!"

I hoped he loved it.

We all watched as he sat at the table and stroked the box. He was happy. Edward opened the box very carefully. His fingers gently removing the tape. He was cherishing every moment of this. The lid came off and Edward gasped.

I watched as he pulled out the Letterman jacket I had made for him. He murmured, "I always wanted one of these."

I wanted to cry, because his joy made me feel so very happy.

He stood and pulled it on and looked at me in awe. "How does it look?"

"Perfect," I said smoothing the lapel.

He hugged me. "I love you so much."

"How adorable," a snooty voice said.

I turned to find a reddish blonde sneering at us. She was wearing a business suit. Even Alec was wearing the appropriate attire. He looked like a young Elvis.

It must be Tanya. I will not take her party foul lightly.

Alec mouthed, "I'm sorry."

Edward looked ill. He was scared of this woman. Not happening on my watch.

I moved away and pulled the woman to me. "I'm Bella, Edward's lady. We're going to be best friends."

"I highly doubt it," she scoffed.

"Oh honey, I've weakened scarier people than you," I stated confidently. "You don't want me as an enemy."

"I'm shaking, you weird little girl." She glared.

A gave her a wink. "You will be."

Tanya pulled away and barked, "Alec!"

He went running and Jane growled quietly.

I knew she liked him!

I grabbed Edward's face. "You trust me?"

"Always!" He kissed me.

"That Tanya bitch is going down." I squeezed his butt.

He returned the favor. "This is going to be the best birthday ever!"

It really was!


	31. Chapter 31

**AN: Yeah, yeah...she was talking to me.**

**This is for Mandi and Hismystic Muse, because they love Jane. **

**I'm writing a scary story called, Wet Sands. It's on my profile.**

Chapter 31 (Jane POV)

I twisted my nose ring and watched Bella dance to old people music with Captain OCD. My boss didn't do anything small. I would be amazed that she didn't throw herself a celebration of menstruation shindig every month.

I was trying to avoid looking at prep boy and that drama queen he brought. Bella's accountant was about to shit himself when he saw her come in.

I stabbed my knife into my hamburger.

_Die, burger, die!_

It was odd that I was seeing my hamburger with a bad, pale red dye job and wearing Anne Taylor flamingo pink suit.

_Die, burger, die!_

Alex was trying to dance with the fluffed up flamingo. They looked like seizure patients. It made me chuckle until the hamburger mocked me.

_Die, burger, die!_

"Young lady, whatever did that sandwich do to you?"

I looked up to see Alec's father sitting next to me in a fedora.

"I like the hat, old man." It reminded me of my own dad. Marcus was in an assisted living facility in New Jersey. Parkinson's. Life's a bitch.

Alec's dad placed the hat on my head. "It's yours. It looks better on a pretty girl such as yourself."

"Where's the dig, Alec's dad?" It was coming. The nasty comments were my normal.

He just smiled. "Call me Papa. You have your own style! I like it and so does my boy!"

I saw Alec glance over to us with a frown. Preppy asshole. "Doesn't appear so."

"All he talks about is Jane likes this music or Jane made fun of me." Alec's dad gave me a grin and grabbed a French fry off my plate. "Sweet Alice is a wonderful girl, but they weren't the right match."

"I think he's found a new match that isn't me, which not to say I want it to be me, but even Dr. Cheesy Romantic Comedy is better than whatever pink beast from hell that lady is." I stabbed my burger.

"My boy is not enjoying gyrating uncomfortably with that Denali over there. Dear little one, Tanya's family is a menace and her papa, Eleazar is my enemy. I have no doubts that Alec is trying to help us in some way." He shook his head at me. "He isn't the brightest bulb in the Volturi family, but he's a good boy. Give him a chance!"

I glared as I watched the flamingo squeeze Alec's butt while staring at Bella's Captain OCD.

He looked over at the couples dancing. "See our Edward and Bella? The perfect case of seemingly opposites attracting, but when you peel away to the core they are perfect with both their differences and similarities. Ahh...Mama is waving me over. She is just going to love you!"

His wife was a leopard printed extra from _The Real Housewives of New Jersey_. She was blowing kisses at us. Alec's family was certifiable.

I watched the older man shuffle away and realized that I now like two people. Bella and Alec's weird dad. Fuck! I needed a smoke.

Heading towards the door that led to the alley made me grumble under my breath about asshole politicians. I was stopped by my peppy boss lady.

"You said you were quitting!" She admonished.

"Bella, I tell you a lot of things. I told you I vacuumed the gallery yesterday, but we all know that was a lie." I poked her in the forehead.

She just gave her annoying and oddly charming grin. What a pain in my ass. "Janey, we all know I'll be taking care of you and your black lung. Just throw me a bone here and try to be healthy. I like having you around!"

Bella and her positivity guilt trips. She gets me every time.

"I'm just going to stand outside and get some fresh air." I glanced over and saw Alec looking at me.

She started doing her bouncing, clapping nonsense. The girl was a human pogo stick. No wonder Captain OCD liked her so much. Bella probably just bounced on him for two seconds and made Mr. Numbers a man.

"You like him!"

I glared. "I like bad seventies porn and Cheez-Whiz."

"I can see endless possibilities with using those two things and your obvious affection for Alec," Bella stated with a wink.

She was a weird, kinky thing.

"He's with the flamingo."

Bella nodded. "Alec keeps looking like he's going to vomit when he looks at her. He makes sweet love to you with his eyes. Grab him and ravish him in front of the spiked root beer floats! That horrible woman will stomp out of here! It will be a win for everybody!"

"I need to think, Bella! I'll be back in a few." I pushed past her and out in the dark alley. It smelled like rotting fruit and piss. Just like home.

The dark was comforting. A dim glow was coming from a nearby street light. I stuck my unlit cigarette in my mouth and looked up to the night sky.

It was pulled out of my mouth and lips crashed into mine.

Alec.

Hot damn, that man tasted like cheap mints and whiskey.

I pulled away and growled, "What the fuck?"

I grabbed his head and tasted his whiskey slobber again.

After ten minutes, we took a break to breathe. His hand was under my shirt and squeezing my boob. My hand was down his pants and pulling his hose.

"Cigarettes kill," he mumbled into my mouth. "Hot alley sex makes you live longer."

"No shit, fucker," I twisted his dick. He cringed and smiled. He liked it rough. Well damn. "Where's your debutante girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend. Tanya is trying to steal our clients and I'm trying to stop her." He bit my neck. The fucker. I liked it. "Mine!"

"Yours?" I bit him harder. "You are mine now, Beyonce loving frat boy. I will stop the flamingo with Bella's help. Bouncy doesn't want her sniffing around your dorky buddy."

He looked at me and licked in my ear. "Okay. But, Jane..."

"What?"

"I hate Beyonce and love Johnny Rotten. I have tattoos that you better love licking. Also..."

"Yes," I squeaked. I was turned on like crazy.

"I think you need my secret piercing stuck in you."

I was going to marry this mother fucker in Vegas.

He fucked me on the trash cans, as I hummed Iggy Pop. It was perfect for us.

"What the hell!" The flamingo screamed.

I gave her a middle finger salute, as Alec kept going.

That's when I heard Bella giggle and say, "Brilliant!"

It was a good night after all.


	32. Chapter 32

**AN: On a ferry boat on the way to vacation. Yay!**

Chapter 32

I was ecstatic! Jane and Alec! Alec and Jane! Their love could be one that would be passed down as epic prose of true amour in poetry or at least in a pulp comic.

I could illustrate!

"Bella, sweetheart, why are you doing your happy clap?" Edward wrapped his arms around me and peeked over my shoulder. "Oh shit!"

"Isn't it brilliant? Romantic? A true example how people who seem like polar opposites are drawn together like magnets?" I was giddy.

"Yes to all of those things. Tanya doesn't appear pleased," he pointed out.

A very accurate and amusing fact. She stood in her very expensive and cotton candy pink business suit in the repulsive smelling alleyway. I wasn't completely positive if the awful look on her face was due to the dirty condoms at her feet or the fornicating Alec and Jane in front of her.

It was really rude for all of us to be staring at their lovemaking, but Jane was a work of art with all of her tattoos. I was particularly impressed by the Queen of Hearts beheading poor Alice on her buttocks.

Also, Alec was extremely flexible. I stated this observation to Edward.

He was to busy covering his eyes. "I will never, ever be able to bleach this view from my brain! There's not enough bleach in the world."

I kissed his cheek. "Let's get you some cake."

Unfortunately before we could make it to the door, pink talons grabbed onto Edward's arm. "Edward, we need to talk."

To be completely honest, after the shock of meeting this woman, she wasn't in the least intimidating. She sounded like a squeaky toy.

I removed her hand and held it in mine. "No can do, Minnie Mouse. My man needs cake."

"I think Edward can speak for himself, you weird bug eyed girl," she hissed.

I sniffed the air. It stunk out here and Janey was still riding Alec like a mechanical bull.

"Look at you slinging the sass." I smirked at her. "You're playing in the big leagues, Squeaky McGee. I think your date is occupied at the moment. You should probably head on home to the hole you crawled out of."

Tanya tugged my arm away and pulled Edward into the bar. "You do realize why I was participating in this farce of a relationship with Alec?"

How dare she ignore me!

"Because you like him, Tanya?" He pulled his arm away. "I don't have time for this. Bella has planned this amazing party for me and I personally wish to enjoy it."

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my nose. "I love this party, Bella. More importantly, I love you."

Let's say it all together... Aww!

We started walking away from her.

"How adorable," she said, as she followed us. "I'm going to take all of you clients, Edward."

Edward turned us quickly to face her. I could see, from the corner of my eye, Aro standing up to come to our aid, but Edward didn't need any assistance. "Good luck with that, Tanya."

I squeezed his hand in support.

Tanya just smirked. "I have all the luck. My father is offering your clients an amazing deal, but if we could work on our previous relationship..."

"Nope," I stated.

"This is between Edward and..."

"Nope." Wasn't she listening the first time I said it. I poked her in the nose. "Are you that hard up for a boyfriend? You need to blackmail a man who isn't interested. This is turning out to be a bad romantic comedy. I don't see Sandra Bullock over here making adorable quips."

Alice came up. "Bells, what you see exhibited here is a bad vampire fan fiction plot twist. The villainess uses any stupid means necessary to get her sparkling vampire obsession."

"Al, what the hell are you talking about?" Sparkling vampires? That is the most idiotic thing I ever heard. Vampire growl and rip out throats not look like disco balls.

Alice stomped her foot. "The book I lent you! Epic love between a clumsy girl and a smooth, vampire, hot piece of marble ass."

"It's good," Rosalie announced quietly.

I was using Alice's copy to prop up a broken table leg.

Tanya looked at us like we were crazy. "This is about Edward and I."

"This is about you controlling, Edward!" I pointed to the door. "He isn't interested and you are pathetic. Honey, try EHarmony or speed dating. You'll have better luck."

If looks could kill, I would be wrapped up in plastic by the interstate.

"Happy birthday, Edward!" Ben exclaimed. He pulled out the giant record shaped cake. It was amazing! Sure the black icing will make all of us look like we have rotting teeth, but really how it looks like was more important than having scary teeth for a couple of days.

That's when I noticed the glint in Tanya's eyes. She came towards me and pushed me towards the cake. I sure as hell wasn't going in there alone. I grabbed her arm and we fell into the cake together.

She screamed, "You bitch!"

I shoved cake into her mouth. That would shut her up!

Angela screamed, "Food fight!"

She dove right in.

I grabbed Edward and kissed him with cake all over my face. He smiled at me and said, "You taste delicious!"

It was wild! I laughed harder as Tanya tried to get away, but Mama Volturi pushed a large piece of cake into her hair.

That's when my dad, Billy and Edward's parents came in.

Esme looked at us in shock. He arms filled with perfectly wrapped gifts. "What is this?"

How sweet! Mama and Daddy Cullen were making up for lost time.

Dad just patted her shoulder. "My kid sure knows how to throw a party!"

Indeed I do.


	33. Chapter 33

**AN: Hi!**

Chapter 33 (EPOV)

They brought me gifts. I looked down at the professionally wrapped packages in front of me. The edges were crisp, the tape was measured to all the same length and the bows were tied tightly all to my mother's specifications. I could appreciate precision, but I really wished she would have done it herself. Show some maternal feeling in her gift giving for once.

Bella was sponging icing off of my new jacket. Now _that_ was a gift given with love. I looked down at the sleeve. A thick glob of white was smeared on the sleeve. I asked her, "Do you think it will come out? I have some spray I mixed up with..."

She covered my mouth. "I will take it to Big Tony. He'll get it out."

My mind went to _The Sopranos_. Was she taking my Letterman jacket to the Bada Bing?

Noticing my confusion, Bella explained, "Tony and his wife own the dry cleaners on Harris Avenue. They are fabric miracle workers."

Now that made sense. I was imagining strippers cleaning clothes at the laundromat. That isn't at all hygienic. Alec was a bad influence on my imagination.

The same Alec who was now stumbling in with Bella's scary movie employee. It was bizarre.

"Damn! Crazy food fight and orgy action?" Alec questioned. Jane scooped up a pile of cake from the floor and stuck it onto Alec's face. She started licking it off of him.

"Jane, you viper, I can think of another place you can lick that off." He looked at her with a wink.

Grabbing his face, Jane crammed her tongue down his throat. She pulled away from Alec, pointed to some cake on the floor and barked at Ben, "We need a doggie bag!"

Aro hugged Gina, "Our little boy is in love, Mama!"

That's when Alec started licking cake off Jane's boot.

That was gross. My father looked as nauseous as I felt.

That's when Bella licked frosting out of my ear. That I liked. Call me a hypocrite, but when it comes to Bella, everything is wonderful.

"Edward, are you going to open your presents?" My mother asked, glancing at the door.

Of course, she wanted to leave immediately. My mother was as wanted at this party as Tanya was. Thankfully, at least she was gone.

I wanted to act out. I needed to act out. It was a desperate cry from the little boy Edward who sat all alone in his room eating celery sticks and looking at images of syphilis in medical journals.

I took a paper plate that looked like a record and glanced at my mother with a small smile. "Want some cake, Mother?"

I looked over to see Jasper Whitlock sitting next to me with Alice perched on his lap. I took some cake that was stuck on the shoulder of his scrubs and shook it of my fingers and onto the plate. That thing was in a hospital. I could only imagine the germs the cloth was inadvertently in contact with. I held it out to her with a smile.

"Edward Masen Cullen!" She was livid. Her aversion to germs was extraordinary for a physician.

I chuckled and watched as my father covered his mouth to laugh. Bella gave him a thumbs up. She had won father over, too. Amazing!

My mother spun on her heel and stared at my father with fire in her eyes. He tried to placate her. "Now Esme..."

"We are leaving, Carlisle!" My mother stormed out of the bar followed by father.

Bella started to get up, but Mr. Swan held up his hand. "I'll talk to them. You kids keep having fun. Billy?"

Billy smiled and said, "Happy Birthday, Edward."

Picking up a box, Bella handed it to me. "Open up presents?"

I shook it. Shirts. "They can wait. The best present has cake on her nose."

I kissed it off. I wanted her.

Emmett pulled Rosalie from her chair. "I think there needs to be a whole lot more shakin' going on at the shindig! Let's watch Jasper make a dancing fool of himself!"

The band started to play, _The Twist_.

"I can dance!" Jasper complained as he stood up. He swung Alice off his lap and into his arms. "Want to bet?"

"Don't break my toes, Whitlock! I have babies to deliver!" Alice tried to pull away. "Save your moves for the boudoir."

Jasper dipped her, making Alice giggle. He asked, "Is that a promise?"

I looked around at all the amorous couples around me and then at my lovely Bella. She was the perfect hostess. The perfect hostess that I wanted to be having sex with right this minute.

Glancing over at me, she got a wry smile on her face. "I have a surprise for you. Want to take a walk with me?"

I took her hand eagerly. Maybe, I could at least get some kissing action.

She lead me out to that nasty, disease riddled alley. I asked warily, "Fornication alley?"

There was no way. The thought of Alec, Jane and the rats going at it was enough to make me as flaccid as Mama Gina's famous linguini.

"That's funny," Bella said with a smirk. "No. This."

Before me was a Studebaker.

"Wow! This is for me?" I asked, running my fingers over the hood.

"For tonight." Bella did her bouncy clap. "Want to test drive the back seat?"

"Yes!"

I threw open the door and tossed Bella in. She gave a squeal and pulled me on top of her.

It wasn't as roomy as I imagined.

Trying to pull down her dress, I almost wedged myself into the floor.

"Oww!" I groaned. Bella accidentally elbowed me in the eye, as she tried to unbuckle my pants.

"Sorry!" She tugged to my pants down awkwardly.

I fumbled to get her panties down and skirt up.

There was more uncomfortable movements, but even more laughter.

This was fun!

When I finally entered her, I could imagine us in the fifties at Inspiration Point. Desperately trying to show our love before curfew. It was amazing and we were both so close...

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

A flashlight was shining in the window.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

"This is a public location! You need to stop what you are doing and..."

Officer Riley Biers. I hate him.

Of course, with my naked butt in the air, Bella rolls down the window. "What the flying fuck, Riley?"

"Jesus, Bella! You're having sex in an alley?" He shined the flashlight in my eyes. "What's _wrong_ with you?"

Bella removed her hand from my ass and gave him the finger. "What's wrong is I was about to orgasm, you cock blocker!"

I was going to get arrested on my birthday.

"Take it indoors, Bella! Please, be respectful to your neighbors," he admonished.

"Yes, I'm sure the rats are scandalized!" She yelled into my ear.

I laid my head in her shoulder while they continued to bicker.

Happy Birthday to me.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

Riley Biers was the bane of my existence.

"All I am saying is you should conduct yourself like a lady," he said. Screw that. "Oww! Stop it!"

I was launching rubber bands and aiming for his face.

"Nope!"

This was my business and having him reprimand me here was unacceptable. Actually, it would be unacceptable at the grocery store, the park, a hair salon or at Old McDonald's farm. If Riley was around, I didn't want to be there. E-I-E-I-O.

Jane looked up from her comic book. "Aim for his balls, Bell."

It was a fantastic idea. So I did.

"For fuck's sake!" Riley clutched the front of his pants. Bull's eye. "What _is_ your problem? I can have you arrested for assaulting a police officer!"

"Does it ever get old throwing that threat around?" I wondered. "Go home!"

Riley stomped his foot. I was amazed to see him in street clothes and not the regulation police uniform I thought he had superglued to his torso. Of course, a dark blue Police Academy tee-shirt and khakis were fitting. The pristine white sneakers he wore wasn't very surprising either.

"I have things to tell you..." He came over to where I was trying to hang up some new paintings. I grabbed a trusty rubber band out of my pocket and got him right between the eyes.

"Scram." Everyone should have easily available rubber bands for moments like these.

"I need to tell you that I li... Oww!" He clutched his mouth. Right in the kisser.

Jane watched intently, her head resting on her arms. "I think this is police brutality. His voice is brutality assaulting my ears."

"You should leave." I waved at him.

Jane's phone rang. She looked at it and smiled. "Alec's waiting in the alley."

Gross! It was now their special place. Any alleyway would do for those romantic perverts.

"Be good," I said with a grin. "Actually, be careful of rats."

"Will do! If the Po Po here gets on your nerves just yell for me. I suggest something like, the pig is trying to get in my trough," she suggested.

"Nasty."

Jane curtsied. "I try."

Riley frowned as he watched Jane leave. "She is a menace. You should fire her."

"You should mind your own damn business." I stuck out my tongue at him.

Oh shit. His eyes grew dark and like a really badly dressed puma, he tried to pounce on my mouth.

I quickly covered my mouth with my hand and kneed him in the groin.

"Damn it! Oww! Bella! I... I... Oh shit... This hurts!" He was on the ground. "I like you!"

I looked at him in confusion. He liked me? That was inconvenient and not at all reciprocated.

"Oh. Umm... You're like a casual friend? Annoying brother?" I didn't know what to say.

Riley looked up with tears of pain in his eyes. "Kiss me?"

"No way, dude." The bell on the door rang and I had to smile. It was my Edward.

He ran over, looking at Riley. "What happened here?"

"Like a ninja, I deflected Officer Pain in the Butt's advances." I said. I kissed Edward and Riley grimaced. "I broke his penis."

"I'm going to kill you!" Edward yelled.

I pulled Edward back. "I'm like Wonder Woman. I took care of it! Isn't that so cool?"

What an amazing day! I was kick ass!

"Bella, I'm supposed to protect your honor!" Edward was flustered. He was trying to pull out his hair again.

I helped pull up Riley. I was a kind person. He annoyed me, but poor guy was suffering. "Should I get Jasper to checkout your man bits?"

"This really hurts, Bella," Riley whined. "I just want to go home."

I did feel bad, but seriously, he needed to respect boundaries. This was an important lesson. Don't try to kiss another guy's girl and annoy her. Why? She will make you cry.

"Sorry about this, Riley. If I meet a nice girl for you, I'll totally hook you up."

I ushered his limping body out the door and turned to Edward. "What did I do to get this wonderful visit?"

I jumped into his arms. He hugged me tightly. "I just missed you."

"Let's do something exciting!" I thought and thought.

Ice Skating?

Ballroom dancing?

Hot dog eating contest?

Ha! I did that last night. It was Edward's.

Hmm...

"Why don't we have wild monkey sex in my office?" I asked. Sometimes the simplest ideas are the best.

We headed towards the office, but we were interrupted by my father running into the gallery.

"Kids, I need your help! Billy and I are going to get married next month. I need help planning the wedding."

"You pregnant, Pop?"

"Hardee, Har, Har, kid. I just want to do this. Will you help?" Dad testily asked.

A wedding! I got to plan the best wedding for my dad ever! You know what that means...

Happy, bouncy clap time!

"We need to get started right this minute!" I grabbed his hand and started towards my office. "Let's look for ideas on some wedding websites."

Edward looked forlornly at me. "I thought we were going to go some work in your office?"

"Was I interrupting something, Bells?" My dad asked.

"Oh no! Edward was just going to stuff my cabinets." I wiggled my eyebrows at my man. "It can wait."

Edward muttered, "I was really looking forward to cramming into it."

My father was confused, but our real meanings must have dawned on him. His face turned pale and looked a little sick.

Now that was hysterical!


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

"This has to be the best wedding in the history of the world!" I was a woman possessed.

The floor of my office was covered in _Martha Stewart Weddings_, _Modern Brides_, _InStyle Weddings_ to name a few.

"Are we planning yours or Charlie's? There's an awful lot of white dresses around you. I don't think Charlie's ass will fit in that one. Maybe Billy?" Alice cackled from my desk.

She was full of beans. I saw her looking with a glazed over expression at the destination wedding web pages that were on my computer. She wanted that with Jasper, but little Miss Independence would have to be kicking and screaming down the aisle.

"Charlie would look fuck hot in this lace mini dress," Jane stated, holding up a magazine from where she was laying on the floor. "I am going to brand Alec like a bull at my wedding. Traditional weddings are for pussies."

Rosalie Hale choked on the soda she was drinking. The poor woman still hadn't gotten used to Jane.

"I don't see him going for that, Jane," Alice scoffed.

"You can't see the forest from the trees, Dr. 90210. Alec loves this kind of stuff. He's going to brand me too. Who needs rings when you can leave your mark with a branding iron. We will celebrate by eating greasy barbecue, whose sauce we will lick off each other's naked bodies."

Whoa.

"You're a suck puppy, Janie. I do love you!" I pointed out. Jane was one in a billion.

Rosalie started playing with her hair and said quietly, "I think it should be simple and lovely. White and blues, because your father and Mr. Black both love the sea."

That woman had the intelligence of a computer, but the soul of an artist. I could see it now. We would have the ceremony outside of the city. There was a small town in Connecticut that they liked to go to on their fishing trips. A little bed and breakfast that they would stay and...

Oh!

Things are so clear now. They weren't just fishing.

Anyway, we could stay in the town and have the ceremony by the river's edge followed by an outdoor reception. Blue table runners and large, snowy blooms of hydrangeas in vases. A jazz band playing in the background. It would be beautiful!

I jumped up and pulled Rosalie up. I started spinning us around. "You are brilliant, Rosie!"

I kissed her on the forehead.

"Oh my!" Rosalie gasped.

Jane rolled over on her back to watch us. "Getting your sapphic love on, Bella? Does Nerd boy know?"

"Shush, Janie! We are all heading to Connecticut for my daddy's big gay wedding!" I happy, bouncy clapped.

"I will kill myself if you make us wear seersucker." Jane threw a pencil at me.

Alice threw one too. "Ditto here!"

Silly girls.

"Think about it, ladies. Holding hands under the sun, while the sun shimmers and casts a heavenly glow around the proceedings. The sweet sounds of smooth jazz playing softly in the background as vows are being recited. This wedding will be..."

I was so excited about explaining my vision of the ceremony that I didn't notice that Tanya Denali had entered my office.

She was staring at us with her mouth hanging open.

"Waz up, yo?" I asked her.

"Are you marrying Edward?" She screeched.

It might have been the excitement coursing through my veins at figuring out my dad's wedding. It possibly could have been the wine the ladies and I had been guzzling as we perused wedding ideas. Most likely it was just the idea of seeing Tanya Denali losing her mind.

"Yes, indeed," I lied.

"Aww shit, Bella! This is going to be good!" Jane crowed. She gave Alice a high five.

It would indeed.


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

"You have got to be kidding me! The two of you have only been dating for a couple of months!" Tanya was quivering in rage. Her face was blotchy and red like she was having an allergic reaction to strawberries.

"Hey! Do you need Benadryl? You look like a puffy medical experiment," I pointed out.

"I'm fine!" She screeched.

Alice stood up from my desk and crossed over to Tanya. She poked Tanya's face with the eraser side of a pencil. "You have hives. I'm a doctor. I diagnose things. You should probably take some antihistamines and move into a plastic bubble. You are allergic to the thoughts of Edward Cullen. It is in my professional opinion that you should imagine that he never existed."

That's why Alice is my best friend.

Tanya clenched her hands into fists and screamed, "You cannot marry him!"

I winked at her. "Sure I can. It's easy peasey. All I need is a pouffy dress, my guy in a tux, a fancy dancy cake, classical music that makes me sleepy and an annoying photographer trying to make me pose uncomfortably when all I want to do is get my drink on. Those things together make a magical day that I shall remember for at least a week."

"Those things together make me want to vomit," Jane added.

"Touché, Janie!" I gave her a wink. "You need Alec strapped down and branded like a bull. Different strokes for different folks."

Tanya face was like a mask of irritation, as she looked at Jane. "What does Alec see in you?"

"I can twist around like pretzel," Jane stated nonchalantly, as she picked off her black nail polish. "I hear you make like a board and just lay there."

Alice started cackling.

Jane stood and stretched. Her shirt rode up and her tattoos were on display. Tanya looked disgusted, but I found them beautiful. "Where are your rubber bands, Bella? I think we should shoot them at her until she leaves."

It was a grand idea.

Rose had been very quiet, which wasn't unusual. What was surprising was when she spoke in the icy tone that I hadn't heard since our first meeting. "What is is really about, Miss Denali? It isn't about any feelings you have for Edward. You never had any. Stop with the bullshit."

"What do you want me to say, Miss Hale? I hate to lose." She pointed at me. "Edward chose this instead of coming back to me. He also has taken over the accounts of one of my father's biggest clients. I want that account back and I want Edward on his knees."

Before I could say anything, Rosalie spat, "You bitch! The reason the Cope account is now with Volturi Accounting is because the Denali Agency is a bunch of CPA's who can barely count to ten. How any of you passed the CPA certification exam is a mystery to me! Leave Edward alone! He's happy! He's finally..."

"Having sex with a real girl and not a plank of splintery wood," Jane added. She looked at Tanya's chest. "Did you have a boob job? One of those things look like it's deflating."

Alice took her pencil and tried to poke it. "In my professional opinion, those are water balloons, Goth Girl. See how they are leaking? That's good, old H2O not saline."

"Ahh..." Jane cocked her head and looked, as Tanya covered her chest.

"You are all insane!"

We are and I was done with this conversation.

I stood in front of her and tossed a rubber band at her. "Like the days of the wild, Wild West it is time for an old fashioned stand-off. A duel. Rubber band rules apply."

"What rules?" Tanya looked at me like I was crazy. If the shoe fits...

"In rubber band duel there are no rules." I aimed at her nose.

Jane pumped her fist in the air. "I love rubber band duel! I'm up next!"

Rubber band duels hurt so good.

That's when Edward walked in. "What's happening here?"

"You are engaged to a lunatic!" Tanya yelled.

Yup.

"Engaged?" Edward looked at me in shock.

Surprise!

"Hey there my handsome fiancé, we are having a rubber band duel at the moment. You might want to move over a little to the left. I would hate for it to ricochet off of Tanya's big, shiny forehead and hurt you." I winked at him, hoping he would play along.

"Oh right! Sounds like... Umm... Fun, future wife? How is it that we are shooting rubber bands at Miss Denali?" He gave me a wink in return.

I aimed for the water balloon in her bra. I wanted to see if I could get them both to leak. She would be fake lactating all the way back to her office. "I want her to leave. Decided to make it a game. Fun for all."

"Oh. Carry on." Edward stated and walked over to my desk and sat. He looked at the screen. "Destination weddings? I think Alaska would be lovely this time of year. We can have the ceremony on a sled being pulled by huskies. I'm serious. It's on here."

He motioned to the at the computer.

"This is ridiculous! I'm leaving! Edward Cullen, the Cope account is mine!" She huffed.

Edward didn't even look up from the staring at the computer. He just clicked on the mouse. "Good luck with that."

She turned to leave and I shot her in the ass.

"Oww!"

"Come on back now, ya' hear?" I shouted at her back. "On second thought, don't."

"Hey Bella, come here," Edward said. I headed over to him and pulled me onto his lap. "Hi."

"Hello there, fake fiancé."

"No fake fiancé, Bella. You said it and it's on." He kissed my nose.

I looked at him with wide eyes. "I was just trying to drive Tanya bonkers."

"You did an admirable job at that, my girl." He kissed my neck, ignoring our friends staring at us. "No take backs."

"But..."

He kissed my shoulder. "No."

Alice chuckled. "Whoa!"

"Ladies, I need some alone time with my fiancée." Edward kissed my collar bone.

I stuttered, "But... But... But..."

I was just joking around. Maybe in a year or two...

"Captain CPA, is going to get it on!" Jane exclaimed.

"I am, Jane. Good-bye." He waved at them and started lifting off my shirt.

"What are you doing?" I asked. This was really happening.

Edward started licking my chest. "Fucking my future wife on a chair."

Oh my! Dirty, foul mouthed Edward was hot!

"Okay."

He bit me on the top of my breast. "Marry me and I'll seduce you with math problems until we are old and gray."

I felt his hands dip under my skirt and into my panties. "Oh!"

"This and multiplication tables." His fingers started moving and caressing.

"I... Well... Oh boy! Faster!"

He was in buttoning his pants, as he continued to assault my girly parts. He grunted, "How about years of long division?"

"More!" I gripped his hair.

He stopped. "Marry me?"

"Fine, you handsome ass! Get busy and love me up with some fractions!"

Twenty-five minutes later, we were naked and exhausted. My head was resting on his shoulder as I sat on him in my chair which had turned to face the back wall. He was fondling my breast lazily. I admitted, "You play dirty, Cullen."

He kissed the top of my head. "I do."

"Kiddo, I have a question!" My dad's voice rang out. Without thinking, Edward had swiveled the chair to face the door.

The girls had left the door open! I screamed.

My dad screamed.

Edward looked sick.

"What is wrong with you two!" My dad yelled as he bolted out of my office, slamming the door behind him.

I looked up at Edward. "That should cement your relationship with your future father-in-law."

Edward looked like he was going to vomit.

This was what memories are made of.


	37. Chapter 37

**AN: Hi everybody! I apologize for the delay! Summer with two little children is insanely busy.**

**This story is coming to an end and should be complete in a couple of weeks.**

**Another of my stories, Blinded is on the poll at TwiFanfictionRecs for top ten completed fics for the month of July. Kind of excited about this.**

**Anyway, please enjoy!**

Chapter 37

"This is a probably a horrific idea," Edward complained, trying to wipe up the juice from the tomato I was cutting on the counter. I was in his kitchen trying to create a culinary masterpiece and he was going to lose a finger if he kept trying to clean up while I worked. "Really, extremely terrible."

I had invited his parents, my dad and Billy over for dinner at Edward's apartment to announce the engagement that was no longer fake. I had briefly thought to have the shindig at my abode, but that thought was quickly squashed at the thought of Esme taking in my organized mess. She would probably run out screaming before I could put out the appetizers of crackers decorated with cheese spread. It said it was made with real cheese, but the bright orange color was a tad suspect.

"What would be terrible is if I chopped off one of those talented fingers of yours." I wiggled my eyebrows at him. "This is all your fault. I was planning on knocking you up first and making you marry me. Instead you took a wonderful way to drive Tanya insane and made it become a sneaky way to get a ring on my finger early. Tsk, tsk, my lovable boy."

Edward gave me the stink eye and started wiping harder. The he stopped and looked at me. "You knock me up? I think it would be the opposite way. I'm the guy!"

"Tomato. Tamato." I was trying to make perfect dinner and my tomato was squishy. "We had to tell them."

"I was thinking an email," Edward said with a shrug.

"No way, Chicken Little. You want to do the crime. You do the time." I cut into another ripe ruby shaded orb of goodness that splattered over Edward's white button down. "Oops!"

"Bella!" He pulled it off and started washing it off in the sink.

I licked my lips, as I watched him wash off the shirt. He wore only a undershirt and a pair of jeans. He was entirely too sexy in just a tee-shirt. I wrapped my arms around him and washed my hands around his body, while I kissed his neck. Edward leaned into me and asked, "What are you doing, lady?"

"Just wear the tee-shirt. It makes me horny." I bit his ear. "I think we have a time for a quickie."

"I think you need to finish that salad." He turned around and was trapped by my arms. Edward kissed my nose and added, "Save those sexy thoughts for later. I'll need them after dealing with my parents."

I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Come on now! Much can be done in two minutes."

"Way to make me feel like a sexy virile man, Bella. I can go longer than two minutes!"

"Not with my tongue on you," I quipped. My wet fingers played with the buttons of his jeans. A quick flick and it popped open.

Edward's hands pulled up my shirt and started to stroke my breasts over my bra. His mouth went to mine.

"Jesus, kid! Can you two give it rest when you have company coming!" My dad's voice made us pull apart quickly, as Edward buckled his jeans and I pulled down my shirt. "Is that your lasagna, Bells! That's worth being scarred for life again by you doing nasty things with Edward. Hello, son."

Edward was bright red like the tomato I sprayed him with. "Hello, sir."

Billy brought in a bouquet of daisies to me and kissed me on the cheek. "Hi, sweetheart."

Dad sat on the stool and looked at me with a strange expression. "So what is this _Meet the Parents_ sequel moment? Am I DeNiro or is Carlisle. No offense Edward, but I don't want to spend time traveling in an RV with your mother."

Edward looked confused.

"Did Esme put this poor kid in a bubble?" Asked my dad.

"Pretty much," I said sadly.

Note to self, _Meet the Parents_ viewing party!

Billy grabbed my hand. "Bella? Is this an engagement ring?"

Sort of.

_Edward was dragging me from jewelry store to jewelry store to find the perfect sparkly bauble that would illustrate his adoration._

_It was really sweet, but that wasn't my style. I would just ruin it with paint and clay._

_"The perfect ring has to be here somewhere!" Edward was in a tizzy._

_I rolled my eyes. This was getting annoying. "I think we should just get some sterling silver bands for the ceremony and be done with it."_

_"Platinum."_

_"What?" I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk as people rushed past us in the busy city streets. I usually enjoy the hustle and the bustle, but today getting pushed and shoved was making me cranky._

_"The rings must be platinum. It's a better metal," He pointed out._

_I got pushed into Edward by a massive man wearing a track suit. I pulled Edward into a nearby store. "Listen up, Scrooge McDuck! I do not need jewels or fancy doodads, because I know I love you and that you... Oh! Toy store!"_

_I had pulled him into a wonderland of bears, dolls, Legos and train sets. It had brightly colored balloons surrounding us that made it feel like I was in a circus. It was fantastic! I yelled, "Let's play, Edward!"_

_"We have to find a ring, Isabella! I need to show the wor..."_

_I ignored him and pulled him to a bin of wind-up toys. "Look Edward, it's a monkey playing tiny tambourines!"_

_"Bella..."_

_I kept winding up toys and tossing them at him. I almost hit him in the nose with a spouting whale. It was fun, but then I got distracted by the best thing ever. "I found my ring!"_

_I picked up a large magenta, plastic ring. It was destined to be my engagement ring. I pushed it into Edward's hands and made him put it on my ring finger._

_He scoffed, "I was going to get you a diamond."_

_"But do diamonds do this?"_

_It lit up like strobe lights at a discotheque._

_"You got me there," he admitted._

_Indeed I did._

"Bella, did you have to steal your old man's thunder?" My dad complained. "I'm happy for you, but you could have waited until after my wedding to get engaged."

Esme screamed, "Edward, you're getting married?"

When did they come in?

Esme fainted and landed in a heap on the floor.

"Oh dear," Carlisle said, looking down at his wife.

When would people ever learn how to knock?


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

"Edward, I think you killed your mother," Carlisle stepped over Esme and handed me a wine bottle. "Isabella, this is a Pinot Noir from the Burgundy region. How about we crack this open, my dear."

I think I loved Carlisle Cullen. Not as much as my Edward, but his dad was making me have all the warm fuzzies.

My dad looked over at Esme. "You think we should pick her up, Carl?"

"She'll be fine, Charlie." Carlisle sat next to my father and waved at Billy. "Nice to see you, Billy."

"I brought that article about that native art gallery I was telling you about," Billy went to grab a newspaper clipping from his jacket.

Edward was in the middle of opening the bottle of wine. He was pulling out the cork, when he must of realized the conversation his dad was having with Billy. He fumbled with the bottle and some of the red elixir sloshed onto the counter. He didn't even attempt to clean it up. "Dad?"

"Oh yes. I met up with Charlie and Billy for drinks the other night. We thought the best way to support you two was to get to know each other. I haven't had that much fun since I was in high school." Carlisle smiled. A real smile. "Your mother wasn't invited."

I snorted. Of course, she wasn't.

I started pouring the wine into tumblers. "Was it that gay bar on South Street? Dad, did all those bears try to pick up Mr. Cullen? They are pretty aggressive..."

"We went to McGrady's," my dad huffed.

"Oh the gay sport's bar! Cool!" I started passing out drinks.

Edward was finally cleaning his spill with his basket of twenty cleaners. "You know we have wine glasses, right?"

"I just thought we needed a container that holds more. More drunky makes more happy." I chugged to prove my point. I sputtered due to it being a terrible idea to chug wine.

"Call me Carl, Bella dear. That was a gay bar?" Carlisle looked contemplative as he sipped his wine. "Everyone was really gracious and kind. I even helped a poor man! I had to give him an exam in the bathroom."

Edward sputtered, "Dad! You didn't!"

Oh God! Carlisle gave some random man a prostate exam!

"Dad!" Edward was turning pale as a ghost.

Carlisle looked confused by Edward's reaction. "Son, as a physician I have taken the Hippocratic Oath. The man said he had a lump in a sensitive area. I accompanied him to the lavatory and after a through cleaning using the soap of the wall, used some paper towels to. . ."

Edward turned green. "It was a filthy bathroom in a bar! You can't even fathom the germs that inhabit those places!"

Of course, I thought this was hysterical.

"Edward, we got him out of there in time," my dad stated, sitting on the couch. He pointed to Esme. "I think we should move her."

Carlisle chuckled. "No. She looks comfortable."

Esme Cullen was laying on Edward's floor twisted up like a pretzel. Her once conservative tweed skirt had rode up so her granny panties were showing. It wasn't the most pleasant view. It also begs the question of why she was wearing tweed in summer? That wasn't the smartest idea.

I suggested, "Maybe we should stick a pillow under head?"

"God no! She'll wake up!" Carlisle looked frightened. He was scared of her! Makes oodles of sense.

Edward ignored his mother and started pacing. "Did it even look like they cleaned the place?"

"I didn't notice." Carlisle took another drink. "We should go back, Gentlemen! It was a great night."

"You have botulism!" Edward grabbed a spray and started spritzing it on his father. "You need to be clean!"

Carlisle pulled the spray bottle out of Edward's hand. He then patted his back. "Deep breaths, son. I am perfectly healthy! That man, however, had a rash that should be looked at by his regular physician."

My man recoiled in horror.

"I apologize Bella. I don't know how he got this way." Carlisle gave a long suffering sigh.

"You." Was he delusional.

He looked embarrassed. Good. "You have a point there."

Edward was scrubbing his hands and making them raw. I kissed his neck.

"Crazy, we've had sex in dirtier places and you didn't complain. Remember the recycling center? There was that janitor's closet and..."

"Jesus, Bella!" My dad yelled, covering his ears.

It gave me the giggles!

Edward just looked embarrassed like his father.

All of a sudden, Carlisle pointed to Edward. "I like that look! You look comfortable!"

He gave a quick glance at Esme who gave a very unladylike snore. Then proceeded to take off his tan coat, dark tie and button-down. A whistle escaped Billy, as Carlisle stood in his undershirt. My father glared at Billy, but I had to agree that Edward got his looks from Daddy Carl.

With Esme curled on the floor, this was becoming the best dinner ever.

Until the doorbell rang and the slug barreled in. He tripped on Esme. "There's a dead woman on your floor, Popsicle! Did you kill her with your annoying pep?"

Jacob Black!

"Go away, slug." I hit him with my rubber band. Never leave home without them!

"God damn, Swan! Can you please control your woman, nerd!" Jacob rubbed his forehead.

"Boy..." My dad got up with his angry look. I was hoping Dad would give Slug a spanking.

Jacob plopped down in a chair and stuck his dirty work boots on Edward's coffee table. His AC/DC tee-shirt was covered in dust.

Edward was having a panic attack.

"Jacob, why are you here? I told you that unless you could accept my life choice than. . ." Billy started to say.

"Dad, I'm here to make peace with Popsicle." He burped. What a classy guy. "My queer dad is marrying your queer dad, so I think we should make-out and make up. We are going to be family after all."

"You are so warped. Like that tiny little penis of yours," I pointed out.

Jacob looked pissed. Edward looked disgusted. Billy and Charlie looked nauseous. And Carlisle. . .

"That's why you call him the slug!" He cackled and poured more wine. It was a drunk Carl! Brilliant!

Jacob growled like a dog. That is so odd! He might look like a rangy mutt, but he was a person.

"Use your words!" I stated. "You're brain is about the size of your penis. Which is to say like the size of a peanut."

"You definitely don't take after your father, Jake!" Charlie exclaimed.

"Dad!"

Edward grabbed me by the waist. "None of you have filters!"

Not a bit.

Jacob started yelling at everybody and Billy yelled back. Edward helped me put the food on the table, as my dad and Carlisle started singing bad renditions of old sea shanties. It was fun!

Esme slowly woke up. "Are they still getting married?"

Carlisle held up his wine tumbler. "Babe, this wedding is going to rock!"

She fainted again.

"This is bedlam," Edward said with wide eyes.

I couldn't help grinning. "Welcome to the family!"


	39. Chapter 39

**AN: Hi!**

Chapter 39

"This is hilarious," Alice declared gleefully.

I couldn't help bouncing at the thought of Esme's face when she got here. The Inner Sheba Vintage Shop was the best place to find frocks for my dad's wedding and make her faint again. It never got old! Her eyes just rolled back and she dropped almost gracefully to the ground. As she went down, her arm would catch her head and her skirt would ride up around her waist. You would think by now that she would start wearing pants around me.

"I love you, but why am I here?" Edward had his arms crossed. I made him wear his Math is for Lovers tee-shirt and jeans. His mother was going to lose her mind. He wasn't impressed with my plan. "I would prefer not spending time with my mother if I can help it."

I kissed him quickly. "It's going to be funny! I also adore looking at your face!"

Payback was going to be so much more enjoyable with him there to watch his mother act like a loon. You see, Esme decided that now that Carl wasn't letting her boss him around, she was going to do it to me instead. She was insistent about planning my society wedding. I was insistent that she be gagged.

Daily interruptions with annoying calls was the first of her dastardly deeds. That was followed by dropping in the gallery with color swatches of the most morose hues she could find. I truly believed she was planning my funeral.

I refused to listen to her rotten ideas and let her try to step all over Dad and Billy's wedding.

"Isabella, I thought we were going to meet at a wedding dress shop," Esme inquired, as the driver of the car service she used let her out. Obviously, someone is too good for a taxi. She then gazed at Edward. "Son, what are you wearing?"

"The best shirt ever," he scoffed. Edward folded his arms and glared at her.

Alice hopped over and smiled. "I'm Dr. Alice Brandon. I don't think we've been properly introduced."

She held out her hand with a bright smile. Esme just looked at it and Alice's favorite weekend outfit. An old Nirvana concert tee and ripped jeans. "You're joking right? I'm guessing a doctorate in something like philosophy or poetry. Dear, get a job."

Hand dropping, Alice stared for just a moment and then spat, "I'm an OBGYN, lady!"

"How sweet. You deliver babies for poor people." Esme gave a condescending smile. "I'm so glad my tax dollars are being put to use on that."

Her evil face twisted up in disgust.

"Edward actually came out of that viper?" Alice whispered. "Does he have a tail? I'm sure, Mama El Diablo does."

It appeared Alice was now in a fighting mood. I knew I brought her for a reason.

"I think Madame Heidi is waiting for us," I announced gleefully.

Alice grinned mischievously. Edward, once again, was left confused. My poor sweet!

"Who's Madame Heidi?" Esme asked with narrowed eyes.

It would be my utmost pleasure to introduce them.

XXXXXX

Madame Heidi was an institution around these parts. Legend had it that she was the inspiration for the book about the little goat herder girl that ran through fields of periwinkles in the majestic mountains of Europe. I never read the book, but I was pretty certain that person was dead or older than dirt. Heidi was my father's age and from Brooklyn. I believe the tales started the month she wore her hair wrapped around her scalp in braids and a pair of lederhosen. That woman could yodel like a champ.

The newest rumor was that dear Heidi was a original Pink Lady that helped write the score of _Grease_. This might be possible. She certainly fit the part this week. Her hair was teased up in the perfect fifties beehive and the tight leopard print dress hugged all her curves, even the unwanted ones. Heidi pushed up her thick black horned rimmed glasses and greeted us with a gruff, "What do ya want, Swan?"

The sound of Elvis crooning floated through the air and Edward grabbed my hand and gave a sigh. "This is heaven, Bella!"

I knew he would love it and Madame Heidi would become his personal Teen Angel like Frankie Avalon to Frenchie in the movie. I really needed to watch _Grease_. More importantly, Edward and I needed to recreate the song, _Summer Lovin'_. I could picture Edward in a tight white tee with his hair slicked back and I would be flipping up my poodle skirt as he. . .

"Swan! Get that head out of the clouds! I swear that girl is as bubble headed as a cheerleader with her legs up." Heidi complained. "Hey Alice baby, I got those disco records for you. Why the hell would you ever want vintage K.C. and the Sunshine Band? I thought you had some semblance of taste."

Alice grabbed a plastic bag full of records from Heidi with a shrug. "My man likes them. It's a gift."

"Dump him!" She scoffed, as she lit up a thin cigarette that was stuck into a long, black holder.

"Jasper's a good one, Heidi! I'll bring him by soon." Alice smiled and pointed to Edward, "Why don't you bother Bella's fiancé?"

"Jesus little mama, you really want to get the old ball and chain hooked to you? I've had five husbands and I don't miss one of them." Heidi looked Edward up and down. "Are you cool, Daddio?"

"This place is amazing!" Edward exclaimed. "Can I buy this?"

In his arms he held a black motorcycle jacket that's worn leather was soft and supple. He smiled down at it lovingly. I took it from him. "I'll get it for you."

He kissed me with happy eyes. "I love you."

Heidi arched one of her drawn on eyebrows. "You two are sweet like a toothache. He's a keeper, Gidget."

Esme came out of her shocked stupor. "You can't smoke in here!"

I started bouncing in anticipation, as Edward looked at me. "What's going to happen?"

Heidi blew a perfect ring of smoke in Esme's face.

It was amazing!

"Where did you find the square, Swan?" Heidi asked before making more rings.

I wasn't a fan of smoking, but this was the exception.

"Isabella, we are leaving! This is not the appropriate place to find your wedding dress!" Esme demanded. "It smells like moth balls!"

I pulled out a powder blue tuxedo. "We aren't here for me! Our wedding is going to be a long time from now. We need duds for Charlie's wedding. Edward? Ruffles?"

He took the ruffled shirt and glanced at his mother. "Perfect, sweetheart."

"What?" Esme yelled. "Why am I here?"

Alice looked up from where she was digging through costume jewelry. "Comedy purposes."

"Who is that old grump marrying anyway?" Heidi started flipping records. Buddy Holly was singing about young love and Edward swayed slowly. He always made me smile. "Is it that fool, Cora? She will marry anybody with a functioning peck. . ."

"Dad's marrying Billy Black."

Heidi nearly dropped her cigarette. "I'll be damned. It makes sense. Really. Those two always on fishing trips alone. It gets lonely on a boat and men have needs."

I snorted.

Monster Mommy vented, "Edward, you cannot marry this girl! She's a menace and going to lead you to ruin! This little gutter snipe has seduced you with no rules and. . ."

"Shut up!" He yelled at her. Edward's face was red in anger. "Do you even want to be a part of my life? If so, shut the hell up!"

"You can't talk to your mother like that!" She glared at him. It was frightening.

"Yes, I can. Keep it up and you'll lose Dad and me!"

I grabbed his waist and turned him towards me. My hand stroked Edward's face. "It's going to be okay!"

Edward had dealt with her indifference his whole life. I wasn't surprised that he was finally letting his hurt out this way.

"Mother, I will be marrying Bella with Dad at my side. If you want us to be your family, I would suggest you find your soul and shove it back inside your black heart!"

Esme started sputtering, as Jane burst out of the back room. "Ma, can I just have these nipple clamps for Alec?"

I probably should have mentioned, Jane is Heidi's daughter. That apple didn't fall very far from that tree.

Throwing her hands in the air, Esme barreled out in a huff.

"I guess she doesn't want to support me," Edward stated sadly.

I hugged him tight. It would be alright. It was my promise to him.

"Hey Ed, let me try these out on you!" Jane demanded.  
Poor Edward.


	40. Chapter 40

**AN: Five more chapters, I think.**

**Story rec: Ren Faire by HisMysticMuse. I love it and it's a fun story. Read and enjoy!**

Chapter 40

The grounds of the inn were beautiful. I twirled around taking in the surroundings. There were oasis of gardens with clusters of colorful blooms. The monarch butterflies frolicked through the blossoms. Water fixtures sprouted bursts of water that made me want to dance around in the spray.

Edward grabbed my arm. "I see it in your eyes. We need to check in now."

"Stick in the mud," I whined, sticking out my tongue.

"I love when you stick out that tongue of yours." He kissed me swiftly. "Seriously, though let's not get kicked off the property for your dad's big wedding weekend."

I stepped back to get a good look at Edward. He wore a simple tee-shirt and shorts with his glasses perched on his nose looking relaxed. There was now a lightness to him that I had never seen before. His hair was askew from or make-out session in the car on our way to Connecticut. There were some lovely secluded spots perfect for kissing off the Merritt Parkway, I must say. His hands were wandering, as the gear shift jabbed me in the ass. It was an unexpected turn on.

What lead to his new outlook on life? Telling off his mother was the best thing he ever did.

"You just don't want my white shirt to get wet. Don't you think the workmen setting up the tent over there would like to get a free show?" I teased.

He pulled me flush against his chest. "I'm the only one that get's that show!"

There was kissing. The new version of Edward, which was a lot like the old version with an added spine, was big into kissing me at a moment's notice. His old timidity with displays of affection had dissipated with his fear of Mommazilla. I really should write a screenplay for that idea. It would be a hit!

"Aren't I the one that should be kissing my fiancé, kids? It's my wedding weekend!" Dad complained looking at us with annoyance. "I think they're planning on stealing our wedding, Bill."

Billy handed Dad a bag. "I think we're safe."

"We have our own plans forming, Charlie," Edward explained. He kissed my head. "The Volturi's have pulled up. I'm going to help them with their things."

The family's loud voices filled the grounds of the inn. They were the life of the party wherever the went.

"Our plan is nuptials next summer on a nude beach, Daddy! Can you imagine the possibilities?" This was a plan that Edward already vetoed, but I could picture it vividly. It would be hilarious!

Dad chuckled. "I can imagine a lot of burnt asses. You're like your mother. She had fair skin and burned to a crisp, too."

I took his hand. I didn't want my invisible mother to darken this joyous weekend. "I'm glad you found Billy. I love him bunches! He's always been a second dad to me."

"I'm glad you found Edward. I find him tolerable and if he fucks it up, I'll shoot him."

"Daddy, I don't think your BB gun will be a powerful deterrent." I stated watching Edward and Alec standing by a car. They were looking frustrated at a huge pile black bags covered in skulls.

Jane.

Wait! Jane was a clothes horse? I was floored. She packed enough ripped tee-shirts and safety pinned skirts for fifty people! I bet the biggest bag contained her combat boots. The good ones without the scuff marks. It was Jane's version of formal wear.

"Whitlock, stop complaining about my bags! Look at all of those!" Alice pointed to Jane's luggage.

Jasper looked at them in horror. "I apologize, Brandon. While your luggage is gigantic and filled with unnecessary garments that are ridiculous for a weekend in the summer, I could be dealing with that mess over there."

"So I'm not that bad, Whitlock?" Alice grinned and started to walk away, as Jasper pulled her back to him.

He kissed her. I swooned at the romance. "Not bad at all. I might love you."

"I might love you, too," she stated.

It was so adorable that I filmed it on my phone! I was going to play it at their wedding.

That was until Jane started sneezing. Which turned to cursing. It seemed, not surprisingly, that Jane hated nature. Shocker.

"Why is this place making me sneeze! Is this a pretty hell that makes you sneeze your brains out?" She started sneezing uncontrollably. When she finally stopped, with her bloodshot eyes and runny nose, complained, "What is that horrendous noise?"

Alec stood by her laughing hysterically. "Babe, it's birds! We have them in New York."

"No we have hearty fowl called pigeons and psychotic ducks that will peck off your nose for stale bread," Jane stated as she flipped off a cardinal. "Those birds are just showing off."

Aro was as giggly as his son about Jane's antics. "I agree with Jane, the city birds are much heartier. Look at that one, Janey!"

It was a lovely specimen of a peacock! It's tail feathers created a rainbow to celebrate the nuptials of Billy and Dad. It was a majestic beast who was gracing us with good luck. The colorful bird was chasing Emmett across the lawn. Rosalie just stood with her hand covering her mouth.

Edward muttered, "I should have known that Emmett would do something odd."

"He always does," I agreed. It was fun watching Emmett run around screaming. "I wonder if it's trying to scare him or mate with him. Get that bird lovin', Dr. Love!"

Emmett almost tripped on a root and yelled at me, "You aren't funny, Bella! He's going to make me his peacock bitch!"

My dad watched in horror. "Why did we invite these people again?"

"Comedy, Daddy. It will make better wedding memories." I giggled. "This bunch has to be better than Aunt Trudy coming!"

"Well. . . I felt bad and invited her."

I looked at him with my mouth wide open. "Does she know you're marrying a man?"

"Maybe."

I'll take that as a no. This was going to be hilarious! That old lady was meaner than a snake and had a broken verbal filter.

"It will be fine," Dad continued. He looked over to Carlisle who was sadly staring at a grove of apple trees. "Hey Carl, come on with me and we'll check in."

Esme, of course, decided not to attend. I have a distinct impression that she has horns hidden under her hair helmet.

I grabbed Edward's hand. "My sweet man, are you and your dad going to be okay this weekend?"

I was pulled close to him, his head resting on the top of mine. He answered, "It's better we're away from her. When she knows she's wrong, Mom lashes out more. This is a happy occasion. Let's just enjoy ourselves. This is supposed to be relaxing."

That's when Jane started yelling, "It stung me! That mother fucker stung me! Kill it, Alec. Stupid, goddamn nature!"

"Babe, it's a honeybee," Alec pointed out. "It dies when it stings a person."

He was trying to kiss her wound, but it was Jane so she pulled away and started stomping on something. I guessed it was the honeybee's poor corpse. "Retribution is mine!"

The innkeeper came out. She was an older, rotund woman with salt and pepper curls. She even wore a purple floral dress with ruffled apron. That sweet, but frightened, expression on her face was pure Americana. I wanted to hug her and cast her in commercial making pancakes to cute, toothless children.

"You all want to come in? Your rooms are ready." She looked nervous.

That was completely an appropriate reaction!

"What the hell is that thing?" Jane screamed.

Alice looked down and laughed. "It's a grasshopper, Crazy!"

"I like cockroaches. They would crush these stupid outside bugs with their city dwelling prowess!" Jane tried to stomp on the grasshopper. "Stop jumping, you little bastard!"

I smiled at Edward. "Remember this for our wedding!"

"Complete chaos?"

I kissed him. I wouldn't have it any other way.


	41. Chapter 41

**AN: Stress is bad. Enjoy!**

Chapter 41

It was a small, rustic pub that Dad picked for the rehearsal dinner. The tables were made with stumps for the legs and planks of plywood to make the tops. A moose head wearing a beer helmet glared down on us. The proprietors did, however, stick some wilting wild roses in glass mason jars on the tables for romance.

Edward whispered to me, "Are you sure they uphold the standards of quality food preparation held by the Connecticut State Health and Safety Department."

The water had brown pieces of sediment floating around in the glasses. The hacked off pieces of bread that were thrown in worn, wicker baskets appeared to have a mysterious green substance on them. We were all going to get the plague.

"What do you think?" I asked with a grin. "We are all going to get horrible diarrhea and die? Probably. I will keep you safe though. I have peanut butter crackers in my purse! I love you that much."

"There will be mutiny and we will perish by people trying to get our crackers. I will miss you, my love." He grabbed my hand. Edward was completely serious.

I snorted, as I wiped off the top of a beer can. It was dusty, but probably the safest thing in this establishment to put in your mouth. That was so dirty! I giggled, making Edward shoot me a dirty look. "Don't worry! I have pizzas on the way! We were never going to eat here in the first place. This is the spot that Dad and Billy discovered their love."

It didn't appear to be a place that the two older gentleman would find amour, but love doesn't wait for the perfect setting. It was their annual fishing trip two years ago, that Dad and Billy both caught two large fish. I wasn't sure the type of fish, only according to Charles Swan lore, they were whoppers. Whoppers that were part of a battle with Dad and Billy that ended up with both men in the water. They headed to this little dive restaurant we were all sitting in, sopping wet, and proceeded to get drunk on cheap whiskey.

". . .in the parking lot they ended up making out."

Edward's mouth dropped open with a, "Oh."

"Romantic, right?" I couldn't help smiling.

"Sure." He looked around our surroundings with another grimace.

Silly Edward!

I checked the clock that had a muskrat looking creature hanging off of it and realized the pizza would be here soon. I stood to head outside when a very drunk Carlisle raised a bottle of vodka in the air. "Today we celebrate true love! I had true love once. Her name was. . ."

Oh shit!

". . .Maria. She was an exotic spitfire who danced the flamenco with the seductive moves of a conquistador!"

"Dad!" Edward jumped up and headed to his father.

"Ed! My baby boy! I love you so much!" Carlisle pulled him to his side. "Did I ever tell you that you have a big sister named Carmen?"

What?

Edward looked sick. He looked so green that I would have thought he ate the bread, but I knew it was this family revelation. Carlisle was spewing every skeleton in the Cullen closet.

"Dad," my love whimpered.

"Don't get me wrong! I love your mother, but she changed when she found out about Maria!" Carlisle burped loudly. "Kept me on a tight leash!"

Things were becoming crystal clear. Esme was becoming clear. Whoa! I felt dizzy!

My dad tried to raise his glass in a toast. "To my soon to be husband! I love. . ."

"Esme hates Bella, because she loves life like Maria did." Carlisle started crying. "Maria's gone."

Rosalie looked upset. "Oh my God! How did she die!"

"Babe, don't egg him on!" Emmett groaned.

"It's just like _Days of Our Lives_ or _General Hospital_!" She exclaimed. We probably should have provided popcorn. Carlisle was putting on quite the show.

Edward pulled away from his father and slumped in a chair. The poor man was in shock!

"She's not dead! Maria left me for a dentist! He kept her teeth pearly white!" Carlisle took another swig. "Carmen is coming to meet her little brother tomorrow!"

That's when Edward fainted and ended up on the floor. It was the same position his mother always ended up in. Luckily he wasn't wearing a skirt.

"My poor baby boy!" Carlisle crooned, as he went on his knees and pulled Edward onto his lap. He started rocking Edward and singing an angelic version of Rock A Bye Baby. His voice was a treasure!

Billy exclaimed, "We should have Carl sing at the reception!"

Ain't that the truth!

I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder and the strong smell of pickled beets. "Popsicle, you do realize they are crazier than you are?"

"Slug, do you realize you reek of fermenting vegetables? It's revolting and makes me want to pour bleach on your head." I stomped on his foot.

"Ouch, girl! We're almost family!" He rubbed his foot and grabbed moldy bread off of a nearby table. "This Carmen chick single?"

I watched as he took a bite and gagged. Perfect!

I looked around at Edward being rocked by his inebriated daddy. My father and Billy looking extremely worried and the rest of the group getting drunk as skunk. I needed a plan or this wedding was going to become a mess.

"Anybody here looking for these?" A pimply faced delivery boy asked.

I was looking for a plan, but these pizza pies would definitely do for now. Stress makes me a hungry Bella!


	42. Chapter 42

**AN: Last of Edward's thoughts, gang!**

Chapter 42 (EPOV)

"You need to talk to your father and follow that with a call to your mother." I could barely understand Bella's words. She shouldn't have been standing in front of me in only a towel.

I stood and tried to unwrap her like a present. I had a rough night. I had supposedly fainted at the bar and I woke up in our room at the inn, wearing only a pair of boxers covered in penguins with a naked Bella snoring next to me. A paper plate with cold pizza on it sat on the bedside table. Food left out of the refrigerator normally makes me frightened of bacteria growth, but I ate it anyway. It was damned tasty.

"You aren't going to have sex with me right now, Edward Cullen!" Bella stomped away from me, as her towel dropped to the floor. "Talk to your Dad!"

How could she just walk away? She was naked and I was sad with a side of horny.

"Sweetheart, will you please make love to me? I had a bad night," I whined, following her. I was desperately trying to grab her bare waist.

"Father! Now!" She slammed the bathroom door in my face. Calling through the door, she announced. "I have to get ready anyway."

I threw on an old tee-shirt and jeans. I didn't want to talk to my father. I never wanted to understand my mother. I never, ever wanted to meet some mystery sister. What I wanted was to pout angrily, drink whiskey and have sex with Bella.

"Stop pouting and take care of it, Edward," Bella's face popped out of the bathroom door. "Oh I love you."

"I love you, too." I hate when she makes me a better person.

I left the room and headed down to the large room the inn used for serving meals. It was almost dizzying with the varied floral motifs. It reminded me of Nonni's office at the Volturi's restaurant. The woman in question was verbally berating my father at that very moment.

". . .ashamed, I tell you! Your boy, dear Edward, being told that way was heartbreaking!" She hit him over the head with her walking stick. "You can't hold your liquor!"

"Mama!" Aro pulled her away. "Come! Drink your coffee!"

I saw Charlie and Billy talking quietly to my father, as I walked over. I said loudly in Dad's ear, "Don't make him feel better for ruining your reception! He's a dirty cheater!"

"Son. . ."

"Yes, Dirty Cheater?" I grabbed a piece of toast off my dad's plate and started munching. I didn't even care about the crumbs that were landing on my shirt.

"I didn't cheat on your mother." He looked at me sadly. His face was tired. All the heavy drinking last night did a number on him.

"Says the cheater who is introducing my unknown sister to me today," I scoffed. I started drinking his coffee. That coffee was too good for that cheater. "You're full of shit."

Charlie stood up and patted my shoulder. "Sit here and talk to your dad, son."

I sat down with a huff and crossed my arms. I heard Charlie mutter to Billy, "My daughter is marrying a large, sissy girl."

Humph!

"I knew Maria before I met your mother. I never cheated on Esme," Dad explained. "Your mother found out about Carmen after you were born. We both did."

I looked up at him from where I was staring at a piece of greasy bacon. "This Maria kept her from you?"

"Yes. Your mother changed after that revelation. Esme was the sweetest girl when I met her. Smart and pretty. She loved lilacs and tulips. Did you know that about her? I used to bring them to her everyday before you were born." Dad looked teary eyed.

I rolled my eyes. "You said Maria was your true love, Dad. I call bullshit on this whole conversation."

I saw my father flinch. "She wasn't. Not really. The alcohol made my problems with your mother flare up. Maria seemed like the better pick last night, but she truly was a selfish woman. When she brought Carmen to our attention, your mother changed. It was like she always needed control, to keep us close, to make sure. . ."

"That we wouldn't leave her. Dad, you need to make this right with mom." I thought about how horrible Mom must have felt knowing that there was a whole other life dad had that she wasn't aware of. "Call her."

"I will!" Dad stood and turned to leave, but there was a high shriek behind us.

"Daddy!" A dark haired woman ran in. Her curls were huge and the rose covered dress she wore was skin tight. It matched the wallpaper. Her face was covered in make-up and her bright red lips were frightening. She almost tripped on the rug under her feet due to the stilettos she wore. "I almost got lost in this wilderness!"

She hugged my dad and covered his face with red lipstick. Turning to look at me, she purred, "Who is this handsome devil?"

"Your brother, Edward," Dad stated.

Her face crumbled at the admission.

She wanted to have sex with me. That's disgusting!

Alec spit out his orange juice, as Jane let out a snort. "Well fuck me with a plunger! Ed has a slutty sis!"

If things couldn't get any worse, but of course they always did, in walked in my mother with Bella holding her hand. I had never seen my mother look so disheveled. Her hair was in a messy bun and she wore an old sweatshirt with jeans. I didn't even know my mother owned jeans!

It was like a horror movie, my mother looked at my father's red lipstick covered face and wailed. She buried her head into Bella's chest and wept.

"Who's the old bitty?" Carmen asked, sticking gum in her mouth.

Jacob Black dropped his fork and rushed over to Carmen. He fell to his knees and grabbed her legs. "My destiny!"

Bella looked at me, then at Carmen whose legs were being manhandled by the slug. In a completely nonchalant manner, my girl stated, "You must be Edward's sister. I see absolutely zero resemblance."

I love her madly.


	43. Chapter 43

**AN: Don't cry, kids. Two chapters left.**

Chapter 43

Love was surrounding me. I watched as my father and Billy exchanged their rings under the bright sunlight as a light breeze made the limbs of Willow trees swayed around them. Their faces radiated affection and joy. It was beautiful!

I stood next to my father as his Best Girl. The bouquet of daisies I held were my favorite when I was a little girl, so Dad chose them for me. It was perfect.

Except for the slug.

He stood next to Billy in an ill-fitting suit that had an odd colored stain on the lapel. I'm sure Edward's sister had something to do with it. They had disappeared for a couple of hours and came back smelling of stinky cheese. The images that came into my head were disturbing.

The faces he was making were obnoxious, but Dad and Billy's declarations of love made everyone ignore that idiot.

I glanced over to where Edward was sitting next to his mother. He was holding her hand. I gave him a wink and he blew me a little kiss. This was going to be us soon. It was going to be lovely.

Truthfully, now that Esme and I were in a much better place, I could see a brighter future for us all. When she came to my room this morning, it was a surprise. A huge surprise.

_I had just stuck rollers into my hair, as I looked into the mirror to berate myself. "Isabella Swan, it was incredibly stupid to let poor Edward talk to his father by himself. What if he hit him? The wedding will be ruined and your man will be in jail for assault! Oh God! Dad is going to have to do a citizen's arrest! He's going to have to arrest his future son-in-law! What are we going to tell the children?"_

_My mini mirror panic attack was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door. It was probably Alice. She had already forgotten most of the things she needed for the weekend. Shampoo, razors, a hairbrush to name a few things. It was surprising after seeing her luggage. Alice only came in second to Jane in suitcase size. I wonder if she filled them with case files and medical journals. Getting kinky with Jasper over the weight charts of pregnant patients. It wouldn't have surprised me a bit with those two._

_I threw the door open. "Ali, what else could you possibly need?"_

_In front of me stood Esme Cullen. She looked like someone threw her into a gutter, made her roll around in filth, dragged her to a whiskey distillery and then dumped her in front of my door. Her stained sweatshirt had kittens on it._

_"You weren't mugged, were you?"_

_She pulled me into a hug. "Bella, I'm so sorry!"_

_Esme Cullen was weeping and blowing her nose into my shoulder._

_"It's okay," I patted her awkwardly. "Just talk to Edward for me."_

_She looked up with her eyes red and swollen. "He has a daughter. Carlisle, not Edward."_

_"I heard last night. I'm sorry." The poor woman must have been bottling all of her sadness up for years and taking it out on her family._

_"He didn't cheat on me," Esme quickly admitted. "I meet her once. A long time ago when she told us about the little girl. That Maria woman was so full of life and I was so shy. My insecurities about her clouded my judgement about life and about you. I apologize for that. You make my son happy and I never could. Thank you for doing that for him."_

_"It's a bright and perfect new day to start fresh with Edward and Carlisle! You can be happy!" I hugged her tightly. "I'll stand by you and help any way I can!"_

_"Thank you!" Her eyes were filling with tears again, so were mine. She reeked!_

_I questioned, "How much did you drink last night?"_

_"A lot of hard liquor."_

_Apparently she bathed in it as well._

_"Let's clean you up a bit."_

_It was time to make amends._

Things went fairly smooth, after Esme was reassured that Carmen wasn't actually Maria after several rounds of plastic surgery. Talking between the family happened, as I sat down to eat some tasty blueberry pancakes with Alice. Now as a glanced at Edward's family watching my dad sing the praises of Billy, I saw Carlisle's hand take Esme's. She smiled at him and he smiled back. It was so romantic!

Carmen was drinking out a flask. I should check if Carlisle got a paternity test on that one.

"You may kiss the groom," the officiant announced to my dad and Billy. It was beautiful, as my father dipped Billy into an passionate kiss.

Jacob started gagging.

He was hit in the middle of his head by a rubber band.

I turned to see my love smiling at me with a wink. I taught him well.

XXXXXX

I stood on the periphery and watched as the guests congratulated the happy couple. In a ranking of top days of my life, this had to be one of the best.

Two strong arms wrapped around my waist, a kiss placed on my earlobe and followed by a whisper, "Have I ever told you how fetching you look in green?"

"Thanks, Emmett."

Edward whirled me around, still holding tight. "Stop teasing."

"I like your moves with the rubber bands, Grasshopper. I taught you well," I kissed his nose.

"I have the best teacher in the arts of rubber band warfare," he agreed. "Did you know my maybe sister has her tongue down your new brother's throat right now?"

I wrinkled my nose at the image. Gross. "No, but not surprised. Are you sure that she's your sister?"

He shook his head. "I'm thinking-"

"Paternity test!" We exclaimed in unison.

"I was thinking that during the ceremony," I admitted.

"We're perfect together! We even think the same things," Edward stated, as he glanced over to the series of high flowering hedges that created a maze. The pink blooms were beckoning us. "I'm thinking about getting lost in that maze with you right now."

"I'm thinking of ravishing you in it." I caressed his lips with my finger.

"See! Perfect!" Edward said with a grin.

Ten minutes later we illustrating our perfection in the middle of the maze. My back was being pushed against the prickly limbs of a hedge and it felt brilliant.

"Oh Edward! Do long division for me!"

That's when I heard my father yell, "Damn it, Bella!"

Oops. I guess we were being a little loud.


	44. Chapter 44

**AN: This is the last regular chapter. The epilogue will hopefully be tomorrow.**

**Thank you for reading!**

Chapter 44

"She can't possibly be related to me in any way, shape or form," Edward stated, as he twisted a lock of my hair around his finger. My head rested on his shoulder.

I locked my fingers with his. "We need to sneak some of her saliva."

He grimaced. "I like the _CSI_ thinking, but having her just look at me like she's going to eat my face is scary enough."

"So gross," I agreed. Watching Carmen try to sneak attack Edward's mouth was getting disturbing. I certainly hoped they weren't related. "We can just pull on of her hair or just wait to snag a loose one off of her. The woman sheds like a sheep dog."

He just snickered.

Jane plopped down in the seat next to us. She was chugging vodka out of the bottle and snagged a cookie of my plate.

"Please don't get alcohol poisoning at my father's wedding reception, Janie," I implored.

"I'm grand. What are you and your girlfriend snickering at?" She gave Edward the evil eye. She loved him as a brother, I believed. A brother she would torment until he spontaneously combusted. "The way your dad and Bill are going at it like fornicating bunnies on the dance floor."

I took a drink of wine before scolding, "Try and keep it classy, Janie."

Edward huffed next to me. "I'm all man, Jane!"

"Sure, Captain CPA. Though my dick is far bigger than yours," Jane stated with a wink, as Alec sat next to her and drank out of her bottle. "Right, Alec?"

"Yes indeed, Jane." Nothing that came out of Jane's mouth ever phased him. "What are you all over thinking?"

"We need Carmen's DNA. Everything about her makes me ill. I refuse to be related to her." Edward was sneering at Carmen who was doing some sort of stripper moves on the slug on the dance floor.

Jane cocked her head to one side in thought. She nodded once and declared, "I will tongue tango with her for the greater good. Cool, Alec?"

"Can I tape it?" He asked.

"Cool." She gave his nipple a twist.

Poor Edward cringed next to me. I completely understood. Nipple twists were awfully uncomfortable.

"Thanks!" I said enthusiastically. It worked out great for us. We didn't have to go near Carmen. I call that a win!

"So our wedding is going to be in two weeks," Alec stated.

Jane glared. "Branding ceremony."

"Right. Would you two be our official heaters of the brand?" Alec looked hopeful.

Edward looked sick. "Seriously?"

"Yes. Your job will be heating the branding irons," Alec explained.

I hugged an annoyed Jane. "We're going to be your maid of honor and best man!"

Edward still looked freaked out, "Seriously?"

"We will!" I exclaimed.

Jane patted our heads. "Cool. I have a slut to swap spit with."

Edward looked at them incredulously. "Seriously?"

We watched them approach Carmen and Jake. There was lip lock. The slug was trembling like a puppy that needed to pee.

I pointed at the insanity. "Jane was willing to do that for us!"

"Cool." Edward kissed my head. "I will now be happy to heat up a hot iron for those crazies."

He really didn't want to go anywhere near Carmen. I didn't blame him a bit.

We watched as our friends and relatives were on the dance floor cutting a rug.

Dad and Billy were kissing slowly under the twinkling Christmas lights that lit the tent.

Rosalie and Emmett were speaking softly to each other as they twirled around slowly.

Esme and Carlisle were rocking slowly to the music. He kissed her passionately and she held him tight.

Alice and Jasper were arguing between kisses.

The Volturi's were drinking heavily and enjoying each other's company.

Jane was eyeing Alec as she kissed an oblivious and shit faced Carmen. Janie was smitten with Edward's best friend. Alec stared at her with the same intensity. Their devotion was something truly special.

I couldn't help but smile.

"Romance is in the air, Edward."

He kissed my head. "Romance and love is in my arms, Bella. You freed me and made me truly enjoy life."

"I just gave you the tools to discover who you really are." I caressed his cheek. "You are extremely special, Edward Cullen."

"You are my life, Bella Swan." His forehead rested on mine. "Hey, Bella—"

"Yes?"

"What is your thoughts on long division?" His hand cupped my breast. My cheeky mathematician!

I rubbed up his thigh. "I would love to hear all about it between my legs."

Edward jumped up and grabbed me around the waist. I was tossed over his shoulder.

My dad called out, "Where are you kids going, Edward?"

"Your daughter needs a lesson on mathematic principles, Sir." He patted my ass.

I squealed happily.

Love had finally found me.


	45. Chapter 45

**AN: This is it. Done. This story was my happy escape. It was based off of my love for ****_The New Girl_**** and ****_The Mindy Show_****.**

**Thank you so much for reading! You all have been so lovely and supportive of this tale.**

**If I do a sequel, it will be a Jane POV. She's fun!**

**I have a bunch of other stories on my profile, so I hope you see something else you like!**

**Thanks** **again!**

Chapter 45: Epilogue

_**One Year Later**_

They were so damn loud.

"Bells, bang the wall." Edward glanced up from the piano. "I want to finish the song."

Edward had found that he had a love of composing at one of our dates. I took him to a music store and was surprised to discover that he was a prodigy. A prodigy who pretended to not know how to play, so his mother would never discover his talent.

Now that he was in a much better relationship with his parents, he was writing a composition for their anniversary. The first happy anniversary they would have after years of tense interactions. It was lovely!

I knocked hard onto the wall. "Al! Knock it off!"

"Blame Jasper! He's a pain in my—" Alice's complaints were stopped by what I imagined was Jasper's mouth.

Those two hadn't changed a bit. They were happily living together in the way that made them content. Fighting constantly and having make-up sex.

"Why did we move in next to them?" Edward questioned even though he knew the answer.

Great location, affordable rent and a wonderful school system.

Oh no! We weren't expecting a little bundle of joy yet, but wanted to be prepared. We were newlyweds after all.

_It was a rainy day at Central Park. Even the ducks were waterlogged._

_Edward and I sat in a paddle boat, as the minister sat on another one next to us. Large umbrellas covered us, giving us a small amount of protection from the raindrops that blew in._

_Our guests watched miserably from shore._

_The kiss that Edward gave me was so passionate that the boat rocked. His hands wandered._

_"I don't care if this is your wedding, Isabella Swan!" Riley yelled from the dock. "This is a family friendly area. I will arrest you!"_

_Dad pushed him into the pond, as the sun started to peak out and the rain continued._

_The scream from Riley startled Edward and we followed him into the pond. My white sundress floated in the brackish water, the daisies from my hair floating around us and the droplets from the bright sky making the water look like it was littered with little diamonds. Edward just kept kissing me._

_They say rain on your wedding is good luck. It was the honest truth._

The phone rang and I jogged over to get it, as Edward called, "If it's Emmett, tell him that we'll go to the batting cages next week."

Emmett and Rosalie had a quickie wedding in Vegas. Angela and Benjamin had one in Atlantic City soon after. It seemed our friends had a thing for eloping. I was on the lookout for new stomach bumps to appear on the women. So far, only Emmett had anything that looked like a belly mound. Rosalie was feeding him well. Too well.

"Yo!" I answered.

"Bella girl, I need you to watch your brother," Dad stated. "If you don't mind, of course. It will be tomorrow. I want to take Billy to that fishing expo at the convention center."

He didn't mean the slug.

Dad and Billy adopted a toddler named James. He was a scamp, but I liked the little guy.

"Bring him over," I said with a grin. "Edward can work with him on his math workbooks."

The kid was brilliant with math and Edward found a tiny kindred spirit and brother. This was good, because Edward did not have a sister. Carmen was not a match and her plans to fleece the Cullen's was over before it could begin,

Not surprisingly, she was still dating the slug. The were so deplorable that they were a perfect match. It was still gross.

I hung up the phone and Edward questioned, "James?"

"Can he come over? Fishing expo tomorrow." I sat next to him on the bench. My fingers hit the keys. Do, Re, Me, Fa, So, La, Ti. . .

"Of course!" Edward wrapped his arms around me. "Whenever I see him I think about us."

"Are we planning on adopting a little boy from Ethiopia, too?"

He chuckled and kissed my shoulder. "I was thinking we could get started the old fashioned way."

I pulled off his tee-shirt and gently caressed his chest. "They say it might take awhile."

"I say that we'll enjoy all the work," he stated.

My tank top followed his shirt on a heap on the floor. My bra ended up hanging off of a floor lamp.

_Bang!_

My ass hit the keys. Edward mouth on my breasts and his hands unbuttoning my shorts.

His jeans were around his ankles.

_Bang! Clang! Bang!_

His fingers entered me swiftly and I could feel him playing the notes of the song he wrote for me inside my body.

_Clang! Bang! Clang!_

"Get in me and give me some figures," I gasped. So close.

He entered me forcibly. "Eight plus eight, Sweetheart!"

I stilled slightly. "Simple arithmetic?"

"You have a problem with that?" He teased with wicked eyes.

"God, no! I love fucking addition!"

_Bang! Clang! Bang!_

"So. . . Sixteen! Twenty plus thirty! Oh shit!" He yelled.

We were close to destroying the piano.

"Alec! Take a look at that! Those two are still getting kinky with math," Jane stated. They were staring at us from the doorway. "Try something new, losers!"

What the hell?

Edward looked up with a gasp and tried to grab his shirt off the floor for me. His feet were still wrapped up in his pants and he fell face forward landing on the floor. His bare ass in the air.

"Nice view, Ed!" Alec laughed.

My Edward just did another groan.

I stumbled off the piano and tripped over Edward, as I grabbed his shirt and put it on. "How did you get in here!"

"I made a key," Jane admitted. The woman had no shame. "You two are going to be godparents."

Edward pulled up his pants. "Of an actual child or a snake? I wouldn't be surprised if the thing is a reptile."

"We bred, Ed!" Alec gave him a thumb's up and pointed to his dick. "My swimmers are mighty conquerors!"

Wow!

I wrapped my arms around Edward and gave him a kiss.

It will never be a dull moment with us. I wouldn't have it any other way.


	46. Chapter 46: New story teaser: AE Sequel

**AN: I just wanted to let you know that The Attraction Equation is up on the poll for the Top Ten Fics for August on TwiFanfictionRecs blog. If you feel so inclined, it would be lovely if you voted for this story or one of the other great stories on the list. You can even vote once a day, for the entire month! What fun! twifanfictionrecs . com.**

**This story is still complete, but here is a little maybe teaser for you all. It's the Attraction Equation sequel written in Jane's POV. If I finish up some back logged stories on my list and you all like this, I'll continue it.**

**Thanks all of you for your support!**

Outtake: The Final Word According to Jane

"It reminds me of the movie, _Alien_." Bella poked me in my stomach. "Move, baby."

I swatted her hand away. I hated Isabella Swan, when I didn't find her amusing. She stole my joke. I was planning on using it on her one day if she ever procreated little number dorks. I bet they would come out with pocket protectors. "I have work to do, Swan!"

She started laughing hysterically and pointed to the desk where I was carving dirty pictures. "Work? Why start now?"

I pointed to my carving. "I'm creating an ode to your love of fractions with Captain CPA, Swan. I believe you should appreciate my hard work. Mostly the way I twisted you. I seriously doubt that you're that limber."

Bella cocked her head and looked at The CPA Commando's. . . Well. . . Cock. Cocked to look at cock. I kill me. "His penis is far bigger than that."

"The pencil pusher has a pencil dick," I stated. "Where's Alec and my chips?"

"With Edward getting my fries," my annoying friend stated. "If they come back with green leafy stuff feel free to use my rubber bands on Edward. He's on a health kick and must be stopped. My husband is a bad influence on yours."

"Then why am I going to hit him with the bands? You do it to your own man!"

She pouted. "Because I love him! I couldn't dare hurt him, but no qualms having you do it of me. French fries are important business, Janie."

"Wimp." She really was.

All of sudden, Bella grabbed the hem of the tent I was forced to wear due to my spawn. "Have your tattoos stretched?"

I shot her in the head with a rubber band.

"Ouch! I never should have taught you that!" She clutched her forehead.

I should have taken off of work this whole pregnancy. I could have just watched bad soap operas all day and prank called Dr. 90210. She was always was fun to terrorize! All you needed to do was tell her they were canceling the Style network. Wait was that even still on? I needed to rethink my game.

As much as mocking the actors on over dramatic daytime serials and harassing their fans on Twitter was enjoyable, Bella needed me to manage her over dramatic life. I was mentor to her of sorts. A life coach in eye rolls and tormenting minions. That girl would fall apart without my tutelage. Who else would be tongue Captain CPA's maybe slutty sister?

Note to self, change phone number. That slutty ex-sis has a hankering for my tongue ring and her stalking is getting tiring.

"Babe! We come bringing sustenance!" Alec called, carrying a bag of food. Then he grabbed his dick and shook it at me. "Want some big old kielbasa, Jane?"

That's my man! I shot him with a rubber band. Have to keep him in line!

"Damn it, Jane!" He crowed.

"That isn't a bag from Hank's Diner! Where's my chips, slave!" I felt a righteous anger.

Bella didn't look too pleased either. "Edward! Really? Is it that from the vegetarian place on South? I wanted fries and meat!"

"Sweetheart—" Edward started pouting. That boy had a giant vagina.

Alec couldn't help himself. "I've got your meat right here, Bella!"

Once again, more dick grab. He was predictable.

"Ouch!" Alec grabbed his head as I shot him. "Babe!"

"Good aim," Bella congratulated me. "Now it's Edward's turn."

Edward pulled out a package wrapped in foil. "No! Wait! Nonni's garlic bread and pasta!"

The heavenly smells filled my nostrils. That Italian shit was the best.

Bella actually whimpered. "Did you bring the Alfredo?"

Edward gave her what I think he thought was a sultry smile. He just looked constipated to me. "No forks."

Like a lioness mounting a completely inept gazelle, Bella attacked Edward's face. I think she said, between the tongue tango and saliva, "My office! Now, stud muffin!"

I would have been impressed with her gumption if it wasn't for the fact she was going to get horizontal and messy with the CPA. That was just nasty.

"Oh baby, you want some advanced trigonometry with your big rigatoni?" He asked with a moan.  
I felt my stomach do flip flops and I wanted to hurl. The only thing that gave me morning sickness was Edward Cullen.

Alec rubbed my back as a threw up in a waste basket. The amorous nerds were cooing about math and ignoring my discomfort as they went to their live nest. "Ziti always makes you feel better after having to be near Ed, Jane."

True.

Sitting up and wiping bile off my face, I eyed my baked ziti joy. So delicious! So yummy! So ready to get in my belly!

"Yo, loser! Get upstairs for your check-up," Alice stated, as she poked her head in the door. "I have a cancellation. So move it, Scary Momma!"

"What happened to the grouch? He's my cranky doctor of choice! We're both curmudgeons!" I was annoyed. I lived to talk shit about him to his face. He would turn bright red like a fire engine.

Alice shrugged. "He quit having you as a patient and gave you to me. Whitlock is oddly sensitive. I, on the other hand, don't care what you say. I find you to be an interesting study of motherhood for my next medical journal article."

"How do you equate motherhood with Jane?" Alec asked with a laugh.

"How impending motherhood makes some individuals less motherly. It's a case study of one."

Bitch. It was also true!

"I want the giant OB! He has thick fingers!" I stated with a glare.

Alice sighed and pointed to the door. "You frighten Emmett. Get moving."

"My ziti!"

"My other patients are waiting!" She gave me a malicious grin. "The ziti can be warmed, but your pee needs to get in a cup in five minutes. Chop! Chop!"

My doctor was a demon! A fashion obsessed demon!

Pregnancy sucked.


End file.
